How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

I'm freezing cold. I spent the day on an industrial site where it was 2F outside.

Inside the room i was working in for 8 hours, it was -11F. I'm laying in my accommodations (it's a 40 foot shipping container with some insulation, a cot, and a heater) contemplating what the fuck I did wrong to end up in this situation.
My Daddy always told me “Hard times don’t last, hard people do”. Unfortunately, I can’t get hard.
 
I'm freezing cold. I spent the day on an industrial site where it was 2F outside.

Inside the room i was working in for 8 hours, it was -11F. I'm laying in my accommodations (it's a 40 foot shipping container with some insulation, a cot, and a heater) contemplating what the fuck I did wrong to end up in this situation.
At least you're not in Mexico dodging child support for two children with a US national warrant out for you while hopelessly addicted to a various cocktail of drugs and alcohol.

As for me, I'm studying my ass off for a cert test I'm very unsure I'll pass which I'm going to pay for with money I can't afford to lose much of simply because I need some sort of forward trajectory in life to feel sane and like I'm not wasting it. I hope we all make it.
 
My new job is more physically demanding than I thought. My body feels sore, but I feel more alive than I have in weeks. Also, I really like all of my new coworkers, they're a great bunch doing everything in their power to make me feel welcome & included.
Why I'm fearing moving on to another job. I've seen what the shut-in friendless loser office ladies behave like, it's sad. Up and down our big glass tower to eat lunch and then disappear before going home 5 hours later. I don't want that. I worked briefly with one of our most notorious pedophile murder-rapists, but even he offered us a beer at the end of every friday shift. We spoke and shot the shit (granted they were all young so it was waste of air compared to my coworker grandmas now that have some wisdom to shoot).

The jobs I'm looking for are primarily aimed at single mothers of age 40-50, so it'd be a nice coworker group but also one I'm unlikely to get into. Anyway: Work is fucking hell. Easy job, way too much drama with restructuring. I tell myself "aight. Meet, work, home. No extra effort, no selfless shit". Then I come home having sent 3 emails and started 2 projects and printed 20 labels and I wonder, why am I like this.
 
Decently. Getting ready for a grad school qualifier exam, doing research I like and reported my retarded, pothead roomate to my landloard for being a useless cur that smokes pot and acts like he owns this place. I genuinely want to see the cunt leave of his own volition, in handcuffs or because he flunked out of school. He's been a thorn in my fucking side for months now. He literally embodies what people mean when they call blacks niggers: low IQ, lazy, unambitious and self-cenetered enoigh to think the world revolves around him.


I absolutely detest college. I'm at my peak. It isn't difficult. It's wasting my time.

I feel like pig with its throat slit and hung upside-down to drain it of its blood.

That's the whole point of this bullshit system is to dash any ambitions and passions you had into pieces and I'm fed up with it.

I absolutely detest this collectivist shithole I threw myself into.

Top hats.
I feel you. College used to be the place where the best and brightest congregated to do researxh and produce great results form said research, but due to the democratization of the college industry at the expense of reachibg "wider audiences", it's a mix of various types od literal children who need to be put in a daycare to earn a degree they don't care about so they can get a job they hate.


Frankly, I can't wait till the xollege debt bubble bursts so things go back to normal and the unintelligent and the dregs of society stop artificially inflating the worth of a degree. Until then, do your best and actually study something that you love/like AND can provide an income for you in the future. You actually have a yearn to do something great, something most kida don't have at all and promises good rewards should you choose to act upon it.
 
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Working on some marketable skills so my retarded ass can keep living when the time to skate by is done. It's hard but I'm probably doing progress better than I give myself credit for. I'm learning 2 code because ai is a stupid meme (computers don't think, stupid) and I really like the work. Now I'm trolling the Kiwi Farms for an autistic GF.

I guess I'm not doing that well.
 
Holy baby, I'm tired but satisfied. Hit my weight loss goal and so I'm working on the other. Went to 1:1 therapy and my god, NO MORE GROUP THERAPY. AAAAAA. it's been put on hold for the next 7-8 months because it's been determined that I am just fundamentally not ready for it but they won't kick me out. They'll figure something out for me when that time comes.

I think, despite my penchant for speaking about negativity through jokes, I was practically vibrating with anxiety during the meeting. My therapist determined it's best that I learn to feel something actually. For whatever reason my meltdowns are super internal. You won't know anything unless I say some horrible joke about it.

And since I got my first day on the new job in two weeks time, I don't need the extra stress of coming into a room and hearing some girl talk about how she wanted a bob but her boyfriend didn't want her to or he'd shave his beard and that someone spiraled into an argument about if they really love each other but the root cause is actually the anniversary of her grandma's passing or something.

So relieved. Feels like this november was super fucking long before that. Like days just slowed to a crawl while I was getting pulled to some sort of impending doom like a stubborn donkey being dragged by the rope to get shot behind the shed.

That's one less thing to worry about. On the other hand, I'll get a wisdom tooth pulledremoved on Monday. Lovely.
 
I have a ton of work to do that I'm not doing. Basically, to finish graduate school I have to get a job, which means hundreds of applications (and it's not a good situation, it used to be a guaranteed job when I started this stuff but even my field is beginning to unravel, academia is a bubble and COVID and its consequences made it worse) and tinkering on my dissertation chapter, which is used as a proof for hiring committees. But I don't bother with the latter.

My students are shitty this year, I don't know if I just had good luck last year or if I'm having bad luck this year, but they're not rewarding to deal with, low effort simpletons.

What's a real problem, though, is that I have a constant brain fog on me. It comes and goes but much of the time I'm sick. Much of it is likely greatly worsened if not outright caused by lifestyle choices. I don't drink near as much (at least, I think) as I used to, but I do smoke cigars now, which in theory is fine (even the FDA doesn't really care if you stay below two a day), but isn't. I think that stuff does have an impact because, aside from making the throat sore, I feel a weird sort of tobacco hangover the next day. There's also overeating, I really swelled in graduate school. But even aside from all that I do get sick from my students, and this fog is something new, I've never had a problem like this with feeling mostly physically fine but having a brain that just doesn't want to work when I go home. I've just kind of vegetated all day. When you see me posting all day long on here, especially in the Games subforum, that's because I'm not doing well, I'm burying myself.
 
I keep thinking about Sam Hyde's words that one shouldn't look for a beautiful girlfriend instead of one who would agree to wash one's clothes and cook. Maybe I should've followed this advice.
Otherwise I am preparing to dive into the shit pit known as "I am working this weekend". Wish me luck and take care.
 
A cyclist rammed me while on an e-scooter. Left shoulder took the brunt of the fall. Hurts like a motherfucker and I can't raise my arm. Currently gobbling down the strongest painkillers I have on hand.
Update on the nearly year-old post: I had another tumble yesterday. This time, the fucking handlebar snapped as I was making a turn and sent me sliding downhill at around 30 km/h (~19mph). Scraped my left elbow something fucking awful, nearly to the bone. It's swollen, hurts like hell and still hasn't stopped seeping pus and/or blood. Doesn't hurt when I move it which is a relief, though my fingers do feel a bit numb. Left thigh sustained minor bruises. Could have been much worse, but the fuckcold weather had me wearing an extra thick polar fleece jacket, ear mufflers and gloves. The backpack full of groceries no doubt cushioned the fall as well. I went home looking like human-scarecrow hybrid.
 
Last night my windows broke randomly while i was showering and I have no idea how or why, but I sat by the windows wondering if it was a person or not and schizo walking the perimeter. Then I realized I had stayed up for many hours doing this and there was extremely strong wind that night, so I deduced that it must have just been the wind and went to bed. This morning I realized I literally deaggroed like a fucking NPC after pacing for hours and naturally I'm extremely groggy from no sleep. "What was that? Must've just been the wind...." I'll inspect in the light of the day what could have happened later.
 
I did several hours of yardwork yesterday afternoon, ate a pasta dinner then fell asleep on the couch with the dog.

Woke up around 10 pm, thought I should take the dog out.

Took a long meandering path through the neighborhood. Saw no one. It was quite a nice clear, cool night.

Was probably 1/2 hour from home when I noticed a front door ajar on one of the houses. Lights on inside. No one around. No noise or signs of forced entry.

It's probably 11-1130 pm at this point. Don't have a cellphone. Don't want to enter the property to inquire personally. Try to imagine what I would say to police dispatch anyway "Hello, non-emergent police line? This guy's front door is open. I'm not sticking around. Bye!".

In the end, decide to do nothing. Walk the rest of the 30 mins home and go to sleep.
 
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Tired. My college is badly organized so the first month we didn't even have a set schedule. From then on its been constant project after project, coming in for eight hour days on the weekend just to try and get my Microsoft Exchange server VMs to not implode on the garbage PCs we're trying to run them on. The teachers basically avoid helping the good students and spend all their time on the dumb jeets and niggers in the back of the class, so anyone with real questions are SOL. The teachers also seem to want free TAs given how much help I've had to give other students because they aren't competent enough to answer their questions. I'm absorbing the stress and trying to calm down other students that are in the midst of breaking down while heading that direction myself.

I'm a failure so I've been to this school three times, first over ten years ago and twice recently, and it gets worse and worse, as it turns into a diploma mill for shitskins. White students on campus are practically outnumbered by browns, especially in the IT wing. They're also horribly distracting little bastards that talk in class, show up late, cheat , lie, do minimal work (especially with group work) and are generally just non-white in their conduct. The head of the program is a pajeeta too so there's literally no hope of getting these little bastards deported.

One day an instructor confronted us about a very lackadaisical class that I wasn't even there for, and I brought up that there's been so many distractions in class that I'm just gonna have to pick up the offender and carry them out if it continues, half joking, half not. This got me reported to the program head by a they/them troon who felt unsafe with me in the room. Nothing official happened: I was just talked to. But dealing with the pure hatred I felt, like a real fucking adult, took a few days. Severe demotivator at first, but spite as motivation and the Schadenfreude of someone who's going to wash out of the workplace worse than I did is enough for now.

Overall I just want this fucking semester to be over but I've got projects out the ass and three or four tests next week because all the instructors have to have their testing done before the end of the month, so...glhf to me.

Edit: also adding being a sensitive dude to other students emotional states has wrecked havoc on me as my sympathy causes me to take their stress on myself and try to lighten the mood. I'm trying to be positive but ffffffffuuuckkkkk.
 
I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder. I am unhappy this diagnosis came too late as I have lost many friends because I could not keep myself under control when angry and did distructive things and stuff that would make you cringe.

I am now on medication, but I now am without insurence because I left my job out of fear I would get out of control again.

I am now working as a independent contractor, but it won't be long til I run out of medication and the cycle of disfunction continues.

I hate this. I need therepy and I want to go to college but half my head is crazy beans.
 
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