How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Betonhaus]

I never got around to doing a puzzle I bought so fuck it I wrapped it and now it's a gift to me from Santa.

 

[Alex Hogendorp]

I've been trying to manage my anxiety but I'm pretty excited to go to Mexico.

 

[Berserker Armor]

December is a hit or miss month. Dead ass even if things are going well. December just makes me feel fucking.. awful?
Christmas always brings out the weird feelings (and then my birthday but that’s another story). Grief has been a weirdly big issue for me this year in general. I dunno. I didn’t get to process some of it properly until now. When he passed there was a pandemic starting and I was a full time caretaker for my grandma. Couldn’t try to process it if I tried. 4 years late is better than never? I guess?
I dunno. Miss my (step) dad. I just wanna call my dad. He shouldn’t be in a bottle on my bookcase. That’s all really.
the kicker and why I think it’s so bad tonight is: my dog died last week. The dog I begged him to adopt. the dog who was my rock throughout high school. Def not helping. Also Christmas was his favorite holiday. So. Yeah no.

Anyway, figure out my roommates gift to me by pure accident. I guessed. Didn’t think I would be right. Oops I guess.

 

[BABANGUIDE64]

My father was a family tyrant but despite this three of his offsprings including me are not starving, wearing rags or needing a place to stay.
And I clearly understand that even a bar of an insufferable narcissist home tyrant is inachievable to me.
I've got nothing my mommy or daddy didn't give to me. Observing my achievements and my life as a whole I come to conclusion that I've almost never existed.
I will never be loved, I will never understand the difference between the love and the lust. I will never be a decent man, I will never be a husband of a decent woman, I will never be a decent father. I will never live in the moment prefering chewing upon the past or dreaming of a better future. Devaluation of "normies" and "normie things" is something a degenerate would do deeply knowing he's not a match to any of that, I will never devalue the normality.
I'm the problem in my life. There is noone to blame except me and I clearly understand that I can't do much about it.
I'm not addicted to booze, cigarettes or drugs because I know that these would make my life worse and turn me into a bigger disappointment if not a burden to others.
I want to fall asleep without waking up, I don't want to exist. I know that I will never kill myself but become a worse person trying to keep a facade of a nice guy helping mates and working hard just not to inconvenience anyone.
Just like an earthworm crawling in a dirt will never see anything above it, I immersed in sin of blight, envy, anger and pride will never comprehend the existense of heavens and the nothingness of me and my world against the eternity.
I talked to the pope about my problems and tried to shrive about sins I commited and he told me that he could only feel sorry for me and suggested to visit a therapist.

 

[missnaptime]

Feeling a little down. My local church took on too many volunteers this year and so they gave me a call to say I wouldn't be needed at the Christmas dinner to help feed the attendees and cook for them.

I don't celebrate Christmas - not a Christian - so I always try to do something on the day as everything is shut; cos everything is miserable otherwise. All my friends are away with their families and I'm really the only one stuck in my city.

Guess I'll enjoy some Chinese food and see if there's another place that needs support and volunteers to help - but I doubt it this last min...

 

[McKennai]

Krampus came by and left me some gifts, guess some friendships were never meant to be

 

[I'm Retarded?]

planned a Christmas party tonight, but as the date approached, there was one family member who hadn't confirmed his attendance. like me, he's usually a bit of an itinerant loner, so we didn't think anything of it - until more and more time passed, and today marked a week since anybody had heard anything from him. so we went to his apartment to check on him... and... we found him incoherent in a sea of empty liquor and beer bottles... nobody knew he was even drinking. his whole apartment was trashed... trash everywhere, piles of stinking clothes, rotting food with cockroaches and flies crawling all over it, half the lights burnt out, the bathroom completely trashed and covered with shit and mold... like something out of a horror movie. I used to cat-sit for him years ago, before covid... the place was almost totally unrecognizable. it smelled like death, and not just the literal kind. it was like a tableau of the end of a man's life, the final horrible rot of the body and mind. while the paramedics were carting him off, I kept thinking, is this how they're going to find me? barely alive, delirious, covered in my own filth? I can't go out like that... jesus fucking christ...

 

[soft breathing]

Merry fucking Christmas to myself - I got one of the worst migraines ever as a present today and spend most of the day being miserable in bed.

Feeling better now, just a little high on all the pain meds.

Hope y'all are doing great, no matter if you're celebrating Christmas or not.

 

[obsdj]

My depression has already been bad due to my miserable circumstances but today, Christmas Eve, it has kicked into major overdrive very suddenly, worse than ever. I hope I don't wake up tomorrow but I know I will and that's crushing me even further.

 

[Scream Aim Fire]

More minor than the last couple of posts, but; got back into an old online game that I used to play when I was younger, and it was honestly as good as I remember. Unfortunately, I got into a conversation with several members of the community, including several people who claimed to be former devs, and... it really didn't go well. It was basically just constant doomposting about how the game was dead/dying, about how annoying the rest of the community apparently was, about every mistake the devs made (some were quite big, admittedly), etc. Needless to say, it was pretty depressing; the game was unironically a HUGE part of my childhood and was still genuinely fun, but seeing all this shit genuinely left a bad taste in my mouth. Ruined some of the magic, you know?

Doesn't help that I still haven't tried the sequel yet, which is apparently a LOT different from the game I knew and loved. Given the negativity, it... makes me hesitant.

 

[666NASTYFUCKINGFREAK666]

I was cooking spaghetti just now and I had the bright idea to mix the meat with the noodles before I put the sauce in so now my goddamned spaghetti isn't sauced correctly and I'm sitting here at my desk eating barely sauced spaghetti. FUCK!

I have to work today (on chrimmas D

I also just realized that all these NORMIE FAGGOTS love new years resolutions so the fucking gyms gonna be packed.

Basically, I'm starting to believe that daily life is a herculean effort, on par with Holocaust victims and American soldiers at Valley Forge.

 

[⋖ cørdion ⋗]

Aight xmas. My mom kept saying I "spent a lot" on gifts but I did it over two months and I don't spend a lot in general, so it didn't feel like much. They also, obviously, spent twice that on me, but I guess that's parental expectations. Today, driving home, I saw a lot of people out biking and running. Wish I had that kind of family that -did- shit. We went to the literal #1 canoe river last summer and just didn't do shit about it. We walked a bit and that was it. It had been so easy to go "nah fuck museums, today we row", but we just don't.

I guess that' why I want a family: To nurture the culture I want. "Dad is up at 6AM on days off and goes running" or whatever. I often woke up to my father's noise, smokes and coffee before we went on holidays. Very calming.

I kept thinking, is this how they're going to find me? barely alive, delirious, covered in my own filth? I can't go out like that... jesus fucking christ...

I cleaned at a hospital for a while. There was an almost literal "wait for them to die" room in the back where they sent people with no visitors. Imagine a bunch of strangers using tax money to keep you alive for 2 months just to shit yourself and die. "Well it wasn't alcoholi-" it probably was. That shit ruins everything around you, and last xmas my dad just randomly dropped "oh yeah my parents drove drunk to and from work; cousin died of drugs, brother threatened me about alcohol, and I quit before I killed myself". Nice! Glad to see I was not only groomed into alcohol by 'friends' but also got it in my genes.

The sheer idea of never NOT being in charge of all my decisions sounds like a superpower. Imagine being in control of your mind and actions til you hit the grave. Yet, why not just drink a beer at xmas and new year's? Why go full tryhard sober? What if you end up spending every day fighting the urge, meaning even if you're sober, alcohol rules your life? It's scary and why I want to keep it off the table I guess.

constant doomposting about how the game was dead/dying, about how annoying the rest of the community apparently was, about every mistake the devs made (some were quite big, admittedly), etc. Needless to say, it was pretty depressing; the game was unironically a HUGE part of my childhood and was still genuinely fun, but seeing all this shit genuinely left a bad taste in my mouth.

TF2 for me. And WoW to some extent. Both of them I'd run home and log on regardless of having other shit to do, just to socialize. If people were home, they were on one of those. My steam friends list was 90% TF2 or about to be. I always felt part of something organic and alive, an invite away from stacking with a bunch of italians or whatever. Bored? Try a new class (also goes for TF2). Hell yeah, now my goal is to heal in a raid! Retail wow has gotten so dogshit and MMR-dominated that it's short of a gacha, so when classic re-launched I was like "aight, time to finally fucking hit lv 60!", only to see twitch being dominated by hardcore streamers minmaxing every drop of that game, further normalizing sweat behavior in what used to be a "the journey is the fun" kind of game.

Oh yeah I hit lv 60, now to follow the exact same route as everyone else cause we're all using the same guide. Amazing. And yet, I saw a comment the other day of a chick saying "I met my husband waiting for a rare to spawn". That shit sounds magical, if such things still happen. "Oh, we're the only two ones in this zone", but who the fuck plays classic 2.0? Of all games available? Marvel rivals, apex, dota, rust. Nah bro I wanna play.. wow, for the 8th time.

 

[LonesomeDud]

I am very hungry and grateful there's no cooking a stressful meal that will cause anxiety and unpleasant marital fights. It makes the hunger enjoyable.

 

[DavidS877]

After a brief respite watching the Disney Christmas episode I'm now a little tired of the daytime TV game shows and associated commercials. But at least it's not one of the 32 shows with Judges these days.

As usual it's otherwise depressing as everyone left gets older.

I'm looking forward to the 12 hour drive home with just a podcast by a retard now that I think I fixed VLC so it will play the next track without having to disconnect and reconnect the Bluetooth to my car.

 

[Dr. Ricearoni]

A little better every day. I'm planning to do that thing where the office guy realizes his family is more important than work on Christmas, except I always knew it I just didn't have anything better to do until the Christmas party started.

 

[Dawdler]

If I suddenly stop posting just know I died from an infected tooth. Please don't laugh too hard.

Lmao what a rollercoaster.
But you need to get that shit fixed before your whole jaw rots out.
Edit: I see this is an older post. Hope you got it taken care of.

 

[Lukie]

Hi all - hope you had a good Christmas and that if you didn't you got through it okay.

Much love Lukie

 

[anliteralidiot]

I had a wonderful day with my family. My husband and I came home, and our dog died. No signs or symptoms. Nothing.

She's gone.

 

[Forsaken Wanderer]

Nihilism grows strongest at the end of the year.

As soon as the year ends the next one begins.

Is it a celebration because the year is over, or is it horror in the year starting over?

You are then thrown back to the beginning and expected to suffer through it again, but it's not entirely the same, you are older and weaker each time.

 

[Ughubughughughughughghlug]

I'm on the academic job market. I felt very pessimistic until basically today. In my field, think of it this way. We had, until very recently, basically a guarantee of employment, but then Clown World and the slow-motion popping of the academic bubble fucked things up. Everyone agrees the job market (our specific industry one) is horrible now.

Now, generally we expect ratios of 1/10 to steps of the process. Maybe 1 in 10 departments interviews you. Maybe 1 in 10 interviews proceeds to a job market offer. You expect to apply to literally everything (and even shit-ass departments in the middle of nowhere are now being swarmed by 800 dirka dirks) and, statistically, you will get one or two job offers and you will take it. This also necessarily implies no control of where you go.

I got an interview request. Now, does the fact I got ONE interview request mean I'm completely fucked and they were the only one and I have to view them as my only shot? I don't know. I don't know this stuff well enough to know if they came really early compared to others or if I suck ass. And the thing is, I DO suck ass, or at least I feel like it. I was a god-tier graduate student in coursework and (IMO teaching) and a horrible one as a researcher. I only like teaching, not research, and I never handled the transition to self-directed research well. I was at my finest being told what to do and then going and doing it and doing it better than anybody else. Dunking on scrubs. Victory to victory over people I gradually came to hate with murderous passion. Then it runs out, it becomes dissertation work, and I was completely aimless, literally spending an entire year of my program doing nothing, when expected to go run my own project. My boss seems to think my dissertation is actually more advanced than other people, but he also seems like the department diploma mill.

What I wind up with is this podunk regional university looking for me. I WANT to get into a podunk place because, even though it'll be worse in some regards (more limiting, really) and will never pay the big bucks I was supposed to have, it may be more accepting of mediocrity and even be comfortable with the idea of me only rarely doing any research. It's very heartening when they got their own PhDs from very low ranked schools, actually lower than me. But this bunch calls me on the phone, and I know they probably lay it on thick with all interview candidates, but they really seem intent on selling why I'd want to live in a city out in Yokel Country. (And it could be worse, this is a stretch of America that isn't South but is South-adjacent and a city of reasonably moderate scale for my tastes.) Tell me what they like about me (very varied interests) and really just sell themselves hard, doesn't even feel like they're trying to expose me as a fraud. Also butter up their dude talking some about our incredibly narrow niche that we both have interests in.

I get to looking more at them and this dude seems A LOT like me. Except better, more polished, has the experience, you know. I had a really rough time at the end of it this semester. Students fucking hated me and it blindsided me as they, on the whole, loved it in past semesters. This bunch, now it's not only an awful time but I'm a massive piece of shit, too. Main thing that changed, I made them do more work (LOL). So this has basically ruined my whole semester retroactively and hurt my feelings. But I see that this guy has a lot of reviews that paint a similar story, great professor but gets swamped with the 1/5 "he made us read ," similar kinds of stuff going on as me. I get the feeling he's on the same wavelength, if they (presumably) read over my entire application package then he might have been all "whoa here's a dude that knows what it's about."

So what I have to do is basically work him hard and also figure out angles on how to work the others hard. I think this is very much doable. But I have about two weeks to do this and I'm scared shitless. I just feel a lot better at the moment as I feel like I've got one guy on the committee that can easily be a hardcore ally.

The program, of course, is Underwater Basketweaving and Advanced Cocksucking/Sodomy Studies.