Jace Connors vs The Middle East - A Choose Your Own Adventure thread

You rig the pedal so it sits on the floor and tie the steering wheel to the dash. The jeep slowly picks up speed as it hurtles through the desert night. You then hop into the back seat and lie down, contemplating the events of the last day. "Nah, nothing bad can come of this", you think to yourself as you drift off into slumber...

...

You awaken to the feeling of your body being tossed into the air like a ragdoll. You hit the sand like a brick, knocking the wind out of you and almost knocking you unconscious again. The sound of cracking bones fills your ears and your body begins to burn all over. It feels like Pearl Harbour all over again. You try to pull yourself up, but your left arm goes limp and your leg feels terrible.

You struggle to your feet as the cries of an angry Arab fills your ears. Turns out you crashed into his camel and he's pissed. He's waving a filthy Commiescum AK-47 at you. The jeep is totaled. How do you want to approach this?

A - Just walk away and hope he doesn't put a bullet in your back
B - Throw him some American dollars for the camel and to buy one off him
C - Introduce him to Mr. Desert Eagle and Miss .50 Calibre
D - Scream back at him in Terrorist
E - Take a shit in your hands and throw it at him
F - Crawl into the remains of the camel and go back to sleep
G - Throw your knife down and challenge him to a knife fight
H - Player Option

Status: Fucked up (Dislocated ankle, shattered arm)
Health: 60/100

Inventory:
Super sex MUHreen armour
Tactical sunglasses (Because Jace can never been seen without his sunglasses, it's the rule)
Bulletproof wigga do-rag
Liquid THC
Duel deagles (45 clips of ammunition)
Airsoft deagle (looks realistic as fuck though)
Semper Fi' knife
Explosive Grenades (x4)
Incendiary Grenades (x3)
Smoke Grenades (x4)
 
F. All the injuries are just a nightmare. Probably a fever dream caused by the non-Halal camel jerky.
 
D. It's the only language they understand.
 
H- Shoot the terrorist with your deagles and throw grenades at any others while yelling "TERRORIST SCUM!! TCHYAA, FOR MURICA AND USMC!!!!!" then defecate on their corpses for Murica. Then take some THC to relieve the pain.
 
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H - Out of sheer desperation, offer sexual favors to the Arab in the hope that he won't further fuck your shit up.
 
You stare down the barrel of the Arab's gun. American flags and bald eagles flash before your eyes. "Fuck this", you mutter, "I ain't going out like this. It's unamerican, and unfitting of a marine". You slowly pull your Semper Fi knife out from its sheath, and gesture the Arab to come at you, like Ken Shamrock did to The Rock before he got a folding chair to the face.

"Come at me, bro", you cry.

The camelfucker relents for a second, but notices how hurt you are and figures this will be an easy fight. Unfortunately for him, he doesn't know you're a MUHreen. He doesn't know you're Commander Stryker, the cream of the Marines and the pride of America. He pulls out a knife of its own that's inscribed with "Pedicabo Americae". You can see it because your sunglasses are tacticool and allow you to see in the dark.

"Bring it, bitch".

He comes at you with a slash, but you manage to duck it and slash back at him. It's a lot harder with a broken arm and dislocated foot, but you manage to stay balanced and slash him lightly across his waist. He gasps and jumps back, but shakes off the pain and comes at you again. A feint. He parries your blow and drives the knife deep into your thigh. You retaliate by driving your knife into his chest then plunging it a second time into his throat. He dies like terrorist scum, somehow dropping a live grenade as his body hits the ground. You dive like a motherfucker, damaging your already fucked limbs even more, but you manage to avoid the blast.

You lie in the sand, and only just realise how cold it is. If you stay exposed like this, chances are you'll die or your wounds will get infected or something. You have to do something, but what?

A - Find shelter in the wreck of the jeep and fix your injuries as best as possible.
B - Take some THC and walk it off
C - Realise how fucked your situation is and shoot yourself
D - Alternatively, blow yourself up with a grenade
E - Go out in style with an incendiary grenade
F - Players option
 
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JohnConstantine said:
You stare down the barrel of the Arab's gun. American flags and bald eagles flash before your eyes. "Fuck this", you mutter, "I ain't going out like this. It's unamerican, and unfitting of a marine". You slowly pull your Semper Fi knife out from its sheath, and gesture the Arab to come at you, like Ken Shamrock did to The Rock before he got a folding chair to the face.

"Come at me, bro", you cry.

The camelfucker relents for a second, but notices how hurt you are and figures this will be an easy fight. Unfortunately for him, he doesn't know you're a MUHreen. He doesn't know you're Commander Stryker, the cream of the Marines and the pride of America. He pulls out a knife of its own that's inscribed with "Pedicabo Americae". You can see it because your sunglasses are tacticool and allow you to see in the dark.

"Bring it, bitch".

He comes at you with a slash, but you manage to duck it and slash back at him. It's a lot harder with a broken arm and dislocated foot, but you manage to stay balanced and slash him lightly across his waist. He gasps and jumps back, but shakes off the pain and comes at you again. A feint. He parries your blow and drives the knife deep into your thigh. You retaliate by driving your knife into his chest then plunging it a second time into his throat. He dies like terrorist scum, somehow dropping a live grenade as his body hits the ground. You dive like a motherfucker, damaging your already fucked limbs even more, but you manage to avoid the blast.

You lie in the sand, and only just realise how cold it is. If you stay exposed like this, chances are you'll die or your wounds will get infected or something. You have to do something, but what?

A - Find shelter in the wreck of the jeep and fix your injuries as best as possible.
B - Take some THC and walk it off
C - Realise how fucked your situation is and shoot yourself
D - Alternatively, blow yourself up with a grenade
E - Go out in style with an incendiary grenade
F - Players option
Click to expand...

B. THC cures everything, brah.
 
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You take your bottle of THC and squirt a few drops on your tongue. At first nothijg happens, but then you notice everything starts moving in slow motion, and tne colour has drained from your vision, leaving everything in greyscale. You have your hand in front of your face, only to see it move a second after you actually move it. Trippy dude.

You wander through the desert, your wounds the furtherest thing from your mind. Each breath you take erupts from your nasal passages in a burst of smoke and flames. Gnarly. You continue to wander the desert for what feels like hours, but ends up only minutes. Then you black out.

...

When you regain unconsciousness, you find yourself sitting under a palm tree on the banks of a small pond. Sitting opposite you is a buxom brunette, Arab in appearance but western in her demeanour. You draw your Deagles at her, and, to your surprise, find that yourarm doesnt hurt as much as it did yesterday.

"Youre finally awake", she says sweetly, in a thick Arab drawl. "You were a mess last night".

"Who are you?", you demand, not lowering your weapons.

"I am..."

A - Player option (funniest or most creative name wins)

Health: 90/100
Status: Cognitive Dissonance (Leg set back in place, arm bound and cast. Slightly aroused)
 
"...BurkaBabe91. Agent BurkaBabe91. I was sent by your government to assist you in your mission. Clearly, you need all the help you can get, since I found you half dead babbling nonsense while high on THC. Why everyone says you're the best marine the US has to offer, i don't know..." She shakes her head in disbelief.

"anyway, I set your injuries back in places. You should be fine with a few more hours rest."

You set your Deagles down and begin to relax. Your limbs still hurt, but at least you can move them now. Its then that you notice you're not wearing pants.

She giggles. "I had to remove your armour in order to set your wounds. I hope you don't mind".

Do you?

A - You don't, and you leave it at that.
B - You don't, and you put on your best American MUHreen charm
C - You do, but you just put your pants on and drop the subject
D - You do, and you blaim her for putting Afghan Ebola in your chicken McNuggets
E - Player option
 
She's hot, but she's a sand people. The cognitive dissonance going on in your head confuses the fuck out of you, but that doesn't stop you from tenting. She notices, giggles, and throws your pants at you. "Put them on", she chuckles, "We have work to do". You pull your pants on and get a look at your surroundings. There's an armoured Jeep with a machine gun mounted on the back parked nearby.

"Come on, Commander Stryker, we have work to do. The facility is only an hour or so away. Duty calls."

The two of you mount up and hit the road. It's a long drive, but you spend most of the time flirting with her, while hating yourself on the inside. To your surprise, she resists your American charms. Stupid sand women, you think. So uncivilized and uncultured. How can they resist my American freedom and democracy.

Finally, you reach the outskirts of the real facility. Far enough that you would be unnoticable, but close enough that you can see everything that it has to offer.

"How do you want to do this? Shall we drive this baby in and blast everything to hell? It's got rocket launchers as well..." She coo's.

A - Drive that baby in and blow everything to hell.
B - Go in on foot, like Solid Snake
C - Snipe them from a distance with your deagles
D - Use BurqaBabe91 as a distraction while you sneak in
E - Call in an airstrike (Why the fuck didn't we do this before?)
F - Call in the cavalry, MUHREENS LEAD THE WAY
G - Player option
 
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