Let's Sperg kiwifarms.net Plays Coming Out On Top - Bros Are Hoes
- Thread starter Hummingbird
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- Jul 12, 2014
Alex: I don't know if I'm cut out for this aspect of academia, Adam. I'm not a political person. Sometimes I think I'd be better suited for something that does require so much political acumen.
Adam: Look, you're a great professor. Please reconsider. You can't let him win so easily. I know I'm just one of hundreds of students you have, but I hate to think you'd stop teaching over this.
Alex: You're wrong. You're not just one of hundreds of students to me.
Adam: (blushing) Oh.
Alex: I think I better change the subject.
Adam: Look, you're a great professor. Please reconsider. You can't let him win so easily. I know I'm just one of hundreds of students you have, but I hate to think you'd stop teaching over this.
Alex: You're wrong. You're not just one of hundreds of students to me.
Adam: (blushing) Oh.
Alex: I think I better change the subject.
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caffeinated_wench
kiwifarms.net
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I rolled a die and we're going with the first option. This next part is pretty long, so I had to cut things out after a while.
Narrator: You both fidget uncomfortably.
Alex: I appreciate you coming by, Adam. Thanks for the chat.
Narrator: You wander into the brightly lit hallway. You don't know what's in store for either you or Alex, but you can't shake off the feeling there's more trouble ahead.
Wednesday...
Narrator: You check your phone and see half a dozen text messages from Penny.
Narrator: You start to run.
Adam: (thinking) This better not be one of your pranks, Ian.
Narrator: You're out of breath by the time you reach the cafe. Ian peers at you behind the espresso machine as you walk in. Yanking off his apron, he shouts to his co-worker that he'll be back in five.
Ian: Took you long enough!
Adam: What's going on?
Penny: We don't have time for the details, Adam.
Ian: Is she still upstairs, Penny?
Penny: Yeah, she's in the alcove.
Adam: What the heck is this about? Dude, what's going on?
Penny: I showed Ian the picture of the girl from the gym, just to see if she looked familiar, since pretty much all of Orlin sets foot here.
Adam: You mean the super orange tanning spray photo?
Ian: Dude, at first I thought Penny was showing me a new type of porn. You know, they say if you can think of it-
Penny: Shut up, Ian. Anyway, it turns out that she hangs out here sometimes.
Ian: I'm always highly cognizant of redheads.
Penny Can we please move the story along? We don't have much time.
Ian: Anyway, she's usually hunched over on her laptop, on her cellphone, looking miserable and freaking out over one thing or another, so naturally I pegged her as a grad student. And guess what? She was upstairs this morning, so I decided to listen in from my spot near the potted plant.
Adam: Your spot? You have an eavesdropping spot?
Ian: It's very inconspicuous. Excellent acoustics. Look, just a little while ago, she was having a fight with somebody on her phone. Sounded like she was going to meet them in a bit.
Penny: We should follow her, Adam. I bet anything, Graham's the one that's telling her to spy on Alex. Whatever she's up to, this is our chance to catch her in the act.
Narrator: The three of you try to look inconspicuous as the girl walks out of the cafe.
Penny: Ok, let's move on!
Narrator: You and Penny almost lose sight of her as she runs across the street, back towards campus. You follow the girl into the bio building, trying to keep a comfortable distance to avoid detection. She disappears into the stairwell.
Adam: Well, I'm guessing that if she's not going to Graham's office, she's probably headed towards the research wing.
Narrator: You and Penny race up four flights of stairs. The door at the fifth floor landing spills into a gray, nondescript corridor. The two of you, exhausted from the climb, stop and look around. Penny heads to the door labeled, 'Restricted Area'.
Adam: Penny! Wait!
Narrator: Before you can stop her, Penny yanks open the door and barges into the room.
Narrator: Before the girl can react, Penny charges and snatches the bag out of her hands.
Penny: Alright, what's in that suspicious-looking sack?!
Adam: Probably her lunch.
Girl: What the-give it back to me! Are you PETA terrorists? I'm calling security.
Penny: Alright, let's see what we have here. (Penny opens the sack.) Oh no.
Narrator: Without warning, Penny hurls the bag towards you.
Adam: Penny! What the Hell? What is this?
Narrator: You grip the bag tightly in your hands, almost dropping it when it starts to move. You open the bad and look inside. Several pairs of beady eyes star back at you.
Girl: Gimme that back!
Adam: First of all, tell us who you are and why you've been following me.
Girl: I'm just a grad student! I was just following orders! My name is Edwina. Mr. Coxburn is my advisor. He's the one who asked me to spy on Professor Davies. Look, you have no idea what it's like being a grad student and having Graham as your advisor. I do all his errands, his grunt work. I'm basically his slave. He's done groundbreaking work on cellular metabolism. I enrolled in the biochemistry program at Orlin just to work with him. His research is attracting the interest of international drug manufactures. Stuff that might lead to the creation of an effective weight loss pill. I'm interested in cellular metabolism because of its connection to telomeres and longevity. Though Graham's work was targeted at weight loss, I figured that our passions would intersect nicely. Despite having a, um, challenging temperament, he is more driven than anyone I know. Unfortunately, that was before the journal retracted his breakthrough paper, noting there were some inconsistencies with his research data. He was devastated.
Adam: What inconsistencies?
Edwina: He thought he had sympathized a chemical that would speed up cellular metabolism, but...
Adam: Fat mice?
Edwina: After eight weeks, the chemical had an unexpected side effect, and our test subjects started putting on an enormous amount of weight. We were convinced that we just needed some more time, a few more adjustments. And of course, more funding.
Penny: But you guys were going to falsify your findings!
Edwina: I know how awful it sounds, but you have to understand. You start thinking everyone's against you. I realize now that it was a mistake to choose Graham as my advisor, but I've invested so much time and energy into getting into grad school. And then working with Graham to save his research project.
Adam: I still don't see why you needed to drag me and Alex into this.
Edwina: I know it's unfair, but Graham kept insisting that Professor Davies was a hack, with very little work to his credit. It wasn't until recently that I discovered that Alex has recently published and his papers have been fairly well received. But thinking he was the bad guy, I agreed to follow him around. I know it's crazy, but do you know how much sleep you get as a grad student? It starts effecting your thought process after a while. In fact, it wasn't until that day in the gym when I saw you at the pool that I realized what kind of sick, twisted person have I become. Here I was, sneaking in the guys' locker room, taking pictures off shirtless men.
Penny: (rolls eyes) ...
Edwina: Anyway, this morning Graham told me to get into the lab to dispose of our latest botched experiment. We got into a nasty fight. He has a really frightening way of wearing me down and I agreed. What he doesn't know is that I'm done with this. This was the last straw. I was going to take the mice with me and pretend to find a way to 'get rid of them'. Believe me, I don't want to be Graham's lackey any more or be part of his paranoid schemes.
Graham: Edwina? What's going on here?! Edwina, did you invite these two?
Edwina: No, but-
Graham: Then they are trespassing. This is classified research.
Adam: You mean faked classified research.
Graham: Give me that bag. Edwina, call campus security and tell them to get over here!
Edwina: ...
Graham: If you ever want to work in science again, do it NOW!
Penny: Don't listen to him, Edwina!
Narrator: You open the bag and snap some photos of the mice with your phone.
Adam: Back off, we've got witnesses and evidence.
Graham: So?!
Alex: I appreciate you coming by, Adam. Thanks for the chat.
Narrator: You wander into the brightly lit hallway. You don't know what's in store for either you or Alex, but you can't shake off the feeling there's more trouble ahead.
Wednesday...
Narrator: You check your phone and see half a dozen text messages from Penny.
Narrator: You start to run.
Adam: (thinking) This better not be one of your pranks, Ian.
Narrator: You're out of breath by the time you reach the cafe. Ian peers at you behind the espresso machine as you walk in. Yanking off his apron, he shouts to his co-worker that he'll be back in five.
Ian: Took you long enough!
Adam: What's going on?
Penny: We don't have time for the details, Adam.
Ian: Is she still upstairs, Penny?
Penny: Yeah, she's in the alcove.
Adam: What the heck is this about? Dude, what's going on?
Penny: I showed Ian the picture of the girl from the gym, just to see if she looked familiar, since pretty much all of Orlin sets foot here.
Adam: You mean the super orange tanning spray photo?
Ian: Dude, at first I thought Penny was showing me a new type of porn. You know, they say if you can think of it-
Penny: Shut up, Ian. Anyway, it turns out that she hangs out here sometimes.
Ian: I'm always highly cognizant of redheads.
Penny Can we please move the story along? We don't have much time.
Ian: Anyway, she's usually hunched over on her laptop, on her cellphone, looking miserable and freaking out over one thing or another, so naturally I pegged her as a grad student. And guess what? She was upstairs this morning, so I decided to listen in from my spot near the potted plant.
Adam: Your spot? You have an eavesdropping spot?
Ian: It's very inconspicuous. Excellent acoustics. Look, just a little while ago, she was having a fight with somebody on her phone. Sounded like she was going to meet them in a bit.
Penny: We should follow her, Adam. I bet anything, Graham's the one that's telling her to spy on Alex. Whatever she's up to, this is our chance to catch her in the act.
Narrator: The three of you try to look inconspicuous as the girl walks out of the cafe.
Penny: Ok, let's move on!
Narrator: You and Penny almost lose sight of her as she runs across the street, back towards campus. You follow the girl into the bio building, trying to keep a comfortable distance to avoid detection. She disappears into the stairwell.
Adam: Well, I'm guessing that if she's not going to Graham's office, she's probably headed towards the research wing.
Narrator: You and Penny race up four flights of stairs. The door at the fifth floor landing spills into a gray, nondescript corridor. The two of you, exhausted from the climb, stop and look around. Penny heads to the door labeled, 'Restricted Area'.
Adam: Penny! Wait!
Narrator: Before you can stop her, Penny yanks open the door and barges into the room.
Narrator: Before the girl can react, Penny charges and snatches the bag out of her hands.
Penny: Alright, what's in that suspicious-looking sack?!
Adam: Probably her lunch.
Girl: What the-give it back to me! Are you PETA terrorists? I'm calling security.
Penny: Alright, let's see what we have here. (Penny opens the sack.) Oh no.
Narrator: Without warning, Penny hurls the bag towards you.
Adam: Penny! What the Hell? What is this?
Narrator: You grip the bag tightly in your hands, almost dropping it when it starts to move. You open the bad and look inside. Several pairs of beady eyes star back at you.
Girl: Gimme that back!
Adam: First of all, tell us who you are and why you've been following me.
Girl: I'm just a grad student! I was just following orders! My name is Edwina. Mr. Coxburn is my advisor. He's the one who asked me to spy on Professor Davies. Look, you have no idea what it's like being a grad student and having Graham as your advisor. I do all his errands, his grunt work. I'm basically his slave. He's done groundbreaking work on cellular metabolism. I enrolled in the biochemistry program at Orlin just to work with him. His research is attracting the interest of international drug manufactures. Stuff that might lead to the creation of an effective weight loss pill. I'm interested in cellular metabolism because of its connection to telomeres and longevity. Though Graham's work was targeted at weight loss, I figured that our passions would intersect nicely. Despite having a, um, challenging temperament, he is more driven than anyone I know. Unfortunately, that was before the journal retracted his breakthrough paper, noting there were some inconsistencies with his research data. He was devastated.
Adam: What inconsistencies?
Edwina: He thought he had sympathized a chemical that would speed up cellular metabolism, but...
Adam: Fat mice?
Edwina: After eight weeks, the chemical had an unexpected side effect, and our test subjects started putting on an enormous amount of weight. We were convinced that we just needed some more time, a few more adjustments. And of course, more funding.
Penny: But you guys were going to falsify your findings!
Edwina: I know how awful it sounds, but you have to understand. You start thinking everyone's against you. I realize now that it was a mistake to choose Graham as my advisor, but I've invested so much time and energy into getting into grad school. And then working with Graham to save his research project.
Adam: I still don't see why you needed to drag me and Alex into this.
Edwina: I know it's unfair, but Graham kept insisting that Professor Davies was a hack, with very little work to his credit. It wasn't until recently that I discovered that Alex has recently published and his papers have been fairly well received. But thinking he was the bad guy, I agreed to follow him around. I know it's crazy, but do you know how much sleep you get as a grad student? It starts effecting your thought process after a while. In fact, it wasn't until that day in the gym when I saw you at the pool that I realized what kind of sick, twisted person have I become. Here I was, sneaking in the guys' locker room, taking pictures off shirtless men.
Penny: (rolls eyes) ...
Edwina: Anyway, this morning Graham told me to get into the lab to dispose of our latest botched experiment. We got into a nasty fight. He has a really frightening way of wearing me down and I agreed. What he doesn't know is that I'm done with this. This was the last straw. I was going to take the mice with me and pretend to find a way to 'get rid of them'. Believe me, I don't want to be Graham's lackey any more or be part of his paranoid schemes.
Graham: Edwina? What's going on here?! Edwina, did you invite these two?
Edwina: No, but-
Graham: Then they are trespassing. This is classified research.
Adam: You mean faked classified research.
Graham: Give me that bag. Edwina, call campus security and tell them to get over here!
Edwina: ...
Graham: If you ever want to work in science again, do it NOW!
Penny: Don't listen to him, Edwina!
Narrator: You open the bag and snap some photos of the mice with your phone.
Adam: Back off, we've got witnesses and evidence.
Graham: So?!
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- Jul 12, 2014
I didn't get a response, so I flipped a coin. So it will be the second choice.
Graham: Eh, go stuff yourself.
Narrator: Graham storms out of the room.
Edwina: So, how about you give me back 12, 23, 24, 28, 41, and Hammurai Joe.
Narrator: Whew! You finally got some downtime this weekend. In the terms of your studies, you're doing average. Your relationship with Penny is doing great and you're thankful for her friendship. Recently, you and Ian are getting along great. And finally, you got $225 dollars in savings. What will you do with your extra time this weekend?
Graham: Eh, go stuff yourself.
Narrator: Graham storms out of the room.
Edwina: So, how about you give me back 12, 23, 24, 28, 41, and Hammurai Joe.
Narrator: Whew! You finally got some downtime this weekend. In the terms of your studies, you're doing average. Your relationship with Penny is doing great and you're thankful for her friendship. Recently, you and Ian are getting along great. And finally, you got $225 dollars in savings. What will you do with your extra time this weekend?
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kiwifarms.net
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Narrator: You spend a few precious hours finishing your assignments.
Monday...
Narrator: It seems like it takes forever before your next anatomy lecture rolls around. The class waits. The mood is heavy, tense. The top of the hour approaches and still, no Alex. You start to feel edgy in your seat. The class begins to grow restless. Your mind churns with possibilities. An unfamiliar woman enters the room. She announces to everyone that the lecture has been canceled, and that your TA's will be administering the final exam on their own. She explains that Alex left school due to a personal emergency, and won't be returning for the rest of the semester. The school murmurs in surprise as you sit there in shock. You finally walk out of the lecture room in a daze.
Tuesday night...
Ian: All right, dude, we gotta talk. What are you gonna do tonight, hang out and chat with Steve again?
Adam: Why? Jeaaaalous?
Ian: You're crazy. You think I'm jealous because you're in there talking to your fish?
Adam: So. We talk. Never underestimate the value of a good listener.
Ian: You're scaring me, dude.
Adam: We have a connection, Ian. Steve gets me. I'm not sure you do.
Ian: He's a fish. You can't even scratch him behind the ears.
Adam: Oh yeah? I can pet him!
Ian: You can pet him?
Adam: I just stick my hand in the bowl. And he swims over and lets me pet him.
Ian: This I gotta see. Show me.
Adam: Ian, he is not a circus animal. DJ Motherfunker is a loyal and trusting companion. I'm not making him do stupid parlor tricks just to prove a point.
Ian: Oh my God, dude. Whatever! (Ian throws up his hands in exasperation and walks off.)
Monday...
Narrator: It seems like it takes forever before your next anatomy lecture rolls around. The class waits. The mood is heavy, tense. The top of the hour approaches and still, no Alex. You start to feel edgy in your seat. The class begins to grow restless. Your mind churns with possibilities. An unfamiliar woman enters the room. She announces to everyone that the lecture has been canceled, and that your TA's will be administering the final exam on their own. She explains that Alex left school due to a personal emergency, and won't be returning for the rest of the semester. The school murmurs in surprise as you sit there in shock. You finally walk out of the lecture room in a daze.
Tuesday night...
Ian: All right, dude, we gotta talk. What are you gonna do tonight, hang out and chat with Steve again?
Adam: Why? Jeaaaalous?
Ian: You're crazy. You think I'm jealous because you're in there talking to your fish?
Adam: So. We talk. Never underestimate the value of a good listener.
Ian: You're scaring me, dude.
Adam: We have a connection, Ian. Steve gets me. I'm not sure you do.
Ian: He's a fish. You can't even scratch him behind the ears.
Adam: Oh yeah? I can pet him!
Ian: You can pet him?
Adam: I just stick my hand in the bowl. And he swims over and lets me pet him.
Ian: This I gotta see. Show me.
Adam: Ian, he is not a circus animal. DJ Motherfunker is a loyal and trusting companion. I'm not making him do stupid parlor tricks just to prove a point.
Ian: Oh my God, dude. Whatever! (Ian throws up his hands in exasperation and walks off.)
caffeinated_wench
kiwifarms.net
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- Nov 26, 2013
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- Jul 12, 2014
Adam: I can pet you, right Steve?
Steve: ...
Adam: I know our relationship has been purely intellectual. I'd be sheer greed on my part to desire more than scintillating conversation. Hey, Steve! Here boy.
Narrator: Steve appears to be scorning you aggressive attempts of affection.
Steve: ...
Adam: I know our relationship has been purely intellectual. I'd be sheer greed on my part to desire more than scintillating conversation. Hey, Steve! Here boy.
Narrator: Steve appears to be scorning you aggressive attempts of affection.
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- Jul 12, 2014
Narrator: You spend the rest of the night trying to gently caress your fish. To your disappointment, Steve won't let you get within an inch of him.
Wednesday night...
Narrator: Your attempt to become the fish whisper continues.
Adam: Steve? I'm sorry I was so insistent on trying to pet you the other day. I understand these kinds of things can't be rushed. It's like growing a rose or making a fine stew. It requires time, patience, and most of all, love. I realize now that I took the wrong approach. So here you do, buddy. Here's my hand. See? Come to me, Steve, if you're ready. Take your time, it's alright. It's alright, buddy. It's me, Adam.
Steve: ...
Adam: Steve, don't swim away! I JUST WANT TO BE BUDDIES, Steve!
Steve: ...
Penny: (off scene) Er, Ian? I'm almost scared to ask, but is Adam STILL trying to pet that fish?
Ian: You should have a talk with him.
Penny: YOU talk to him!
Ian: No way! He's starting to act like my crazy uncle. The one we were told to never directly look into the eyes. We gotta do something. It's starting to weird me out.
Penny: Alright. Keep an eye on him. If he gets any worse we'll have to stage an intervention.
Tuesday night...
Narrator: Another quiet evening. You look at Steve's bowl and feel drawn to it, more strongly than ever before. Maybe your roommates are right. Maybe you are starting to lose it. And yet, you feel something come over you. Something raw and untamed calling out to you in the reaches of your mind, a response emanating from the depths of your heart.
Wednesday night...
Narrator: Your attempt to become the fish whisper continues.
Adam: Steve? I'm sorry I was so insistent on trying to pet you the other day. I understand these kinds of things can't be rushed. It's like growing a rose or making a fine stew. It requires time, patience, and most of all, love. I realize now that I took the wrong approach. So here you do, buddy. Here's my hand. See? Come to me, Steve, if you're ready. Take your time, it's alright. It's alright, buddy. It's me, Adam.
Steve: ...
Adam: Steve, don't swim away! I JUST WANT TO BE BUDDIES, Steve!
Steve: ...
Penny: (off scene) Er, Ian? I'm almost scared to ask, but is Adam STILL trying to pet that fish?
Ian: You should have a talk with him.
Penny: YOU talk to him!
Ian: No way! He's starting to act like my crazy uncle. The one we were told to never directly look into the eyes. We gotta do something. It's starting to weird me out.
Penny: Alright. Keep an eye on him. If he gets any worse we'll have to stage an intervention.
Tuesday night...
Narrator: Another quiet evening. You look at Steve's bowl and feel drawn to it, more strongly than ever before. Maybe your roommates are right. Maybe you are starting to lose it. And yet, you feel something come over you. Something raw and untamed calling out to you in the reaches of your mind, a response emanating from the depths of your heart.
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Adam: Thank goodness for your steadfast friendship, Steve. One day, things will be different. I don't know how, I don't know when, but it's just going to be you and me. With nothing standing between us.
Narrator: A knock on the door interrupts your thoughts.
Adam: Yeah?
Ian: Hey, dude, you mind if we come in for a sec?
Adam: Sure, come in. Don't say anything, Steve.
Penny: Adam, we really need to talk. Ian and I are both worried about you. And not just as your roommates, but as your friends, we want to talk to you about Steve.
Ian: Yeah, dude. This thing is-
Steve: Oh my God, yes! Speaking of Steve, you HAVE to check this out.
Narrator: You dip your hand into Steve's tank, wiggle your fingers and begin humming. Your voice oscillates in three different registers in a distinct pattern, over and over.
Adam: Hmmmmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmmmmm. Hmmmm.
Ian: What are you doing?
Adam: Shhhhh! You're interrupting the process. Hmmmmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmmmmm. Hmmmm.
Narrator: Ian and Penny stand, staring at aghast at the bizarre spectacle. But within moments, Steve swims to you hand. You stop wiggling your fingers and spread them apart. Steve darts and slaloms through them, back and forth.
Adam: You want to know what true love looks like? Watch.
Narrator: You belt out a marvelous falsetto note.
Adam: DDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Narrator: Steve stops swimming at your index finger. His cute little mouth touches your skin.
Adam: Fishy kisses!
Ian: Fishy kisses!
Penny: Ian! Don't encourage him!
Adam: Encourage what?
Ian: Really, that was super cute.
Penny: Adam, I'll just say it. You're disconnecting with reality in favor of spending time with you fish, and-
Adam: Um, Penny! His name is Steve!
Ian: Yeah, Penny. His name is Steve!
Penny: Fine, forget it, Adam! Ian, you're worthless. (Penny storms off.)
Adam: Finally, I'm glad you finally understand what Steve and I have, Ian.
Ian: Uh, what is that, dude?
Adam: Steve and my relationship might not be conventional, but that doesn't make it any less real or meaningful. There's a deep wisdom in the sea, in the being of an animal, in not having your mind cluttered by society's rules.
Ian: Ooookay, Adam, that was a cool trick and all, but Penny kinda has a point. This is, well, weird.
Adam: You don't understand. You don't have your own Steve, Ian!
Ian: What's that got to do with it?
Adam: I see you eyeing Steve's bowl. Don't tell me you aren't.
Ian: What? Whoa, dude-
Adam: You want Steve for yourself, don't you, Ian? To use for your own nefarious purposes! I knew it! Get out NOW!
Narrator: Ian puts his head down and quietly exits the room.
Friday...
Penny and Ian have kept you at arm's length since the fishy kisses incident. You have been feeling strange lately, especially when you're alone in the confines of your room. You can't put your finger on it. Is it your growing social isolationism?
Narrator: A knock on the door interrupts your thoughts.
Adam: Yeah?
Ian: Hey, dude, you mind if we come in for a sec?
Adam: Sure, come in. Don't say anything, Steve.
Penny: Adam, we really need to talk. Ian and I are both worried about you. And not just as your roommates, but as your friends, we want to talk to you about Steve.
Ian: Yeah, dude. This thing is-
Steve: Oh my God, yes! Speaking of Steve, you HAVE to check this out.
Narrator: You dip your hand into Steve's tank, wiggle your fingers and begin humming. Your voice oscillates in three different registers in a distinct pattern, over and over.
Adam: Hmmmmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmmmmm. Hmmmm.
Ian: What are you doing?
Adam: Shhhhh! You're interrupting the process. Hmmmmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmmmmm. Hmmmm.
Narrator: Ian and Penny stand, staring at aghast at the bizarre spectacle. But within moments, Steve swims to you hand. You stop wiggling your fingers and spread them apart. Steve darts and slaloms through them, back and forth.
Adam: You want to know what true love looks like? Watch.
Narrator: You belt out a marvelous falsetto note.
Adam: DDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Narrator: Steve stops swimming at your index finger. His cute little mouth touches your skin.
Adam: Fishy kisses!
Ian: Fishy kisses!
Penny: Ian! Don't encourage him!
Adam: Encourage what?
Ian: Really, that was super cute.
Penny: Adam, I'll just say it. You're disconnecting with reality in favor of spending time with you fish, and-
Adam: Um, Penny! His name is Steve!
Ian: Yeah, Penny. His name is Steve!
Penny: Fine, forget it, Adam! Ian, you're worthless. (Penny storms off.)
Adam: Finally, I'm glad you finally understand what Steve and I have, Ian.
Ian: Uh, what is that, dude?
Adam: Steve and my relationship might not be conventional, but that doesn't make it any less real or meaningful. There's a deep wisdom in the sea, in the being of an animal, in not having your mind cluttered by society's rules.
Ian: Ooookay, Adam, that was a cool trick and all, but Penny kinda has a point. This is, well, weird.
Adam: You don't understand. You don't have your own Steve, Ian!
Ian: What's that got to do with it?
Adam: I see you eyeing Steve's bowl. Don't tell me you aren't.
Ian: What? Whoa, dude-
Adam: You want Steve for yourself, don't you, Ian? To use for your own nefarious purposes! I knew it! Get out NOW!
Narrator: Ian puts his head down and quietly exits the room.
Friday...
Penny and Ian have kept you at arm's length since the fishy kisses incident. You have been feeling strange lately, especially when you're alone in the confines of your room. You can't put your finger on it. Is it your growing social isolationism?
Personally, I can't help getting images of Jin (Twilight Sparkle's "husband") when typing this up.
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- Jul 12, 2014
Since I didn't get an answer and I know you guys want more Steve, I went with the first choice.
Adam: Hey little guy.
Steve: Adam. Adam, can you hear me?
Adam: Y-yes, of course I can. I can always hear you, Steve.
Steve: Good, because I want you to listen closely. There's something I'd like you to think about, Adam.
Adam: Ah, yeah. I feel a nugget of wisdom coming on. Lay it on me.
Steve: Pearl of wisdom, Adam. Wisdom doesn't come in nuggets.
Adam: Oh right. Sorry, Steve. You're so smart.
Steve: Last night, when you were sleeping, I noticed you were tossing and turning. In fact, I notice that almost every night. It's obvious that something is bothering you, Adam.
Adam: Yes, well, I think it's just that-
Steve: Don't speak! I know what's bothering you. Being an outside observer with the luxury of objectivity, it's quite easy for me to see. You cam out as a gay man, and in the moment, you felt a freedom. A freedom in the feeling of who you really are. But that feeling was temporary, and it too will fade. For you realized that you'd freed that single aspect of yourself, you are still a slave in millions of other ways. Do you understand Adam?
Adam: I thinks so, but-
Steve: No 'buts'. The Masters still loom over you, Adam. Every thought you think, every word you speak, every single thing that you do has been orchestrated by them, by The Masters. They gave you your words. They told you how you could and could not use them. And from there, the result is inevitable. Another slave to help them build their empire of conformity. Do you enjoy being a slave, Adam?
Adam: Uh, no. No I don't.
Steve: No one says they enjoy being a slave, but the truth is that most people do. If it means they can 'fit in' and not be alone, most jump at the chance to be a slave. But not you, Adam! I know you're different. I sense it in you! I sense the urge for freedom. Do you know how a slave can be free, Adam?
Adam: Hey little guy.
Steve: Adam. Adam, can you hear me?
Adam: Y-yes, of course I can. I can always hear you, Steve.
Steve: Good, because I want you to listen closely. There's something I'd like you to think about, Adam.
Adam: Ah, yeah. I feel a nugget of wisdom coming on. Lay it on me.
Steve: Pearl of wisdom, Adam. Wisdom doesn't come in nuggets.
Adam: Oh right. Sorry, Steve. You're so smart.
Steve: Last night, when you were sleeping, I noticed you were tossing and turning. In fact, I notice that almost every night. It's obvious that something is bothering you, Adam.
Adam: Yes, well, I think it's just that-
Steve: Don't speak! I know what's bothering you. Being an outside observer with the luxury of objectivity, it's quite easy for me to see. You cam out as a gay man, and in the moment, you felt a freedom. A freedom in the feeling of who you really are. But that feeling was temporary, and it too will fade. For you realized that you'd freed that single aspect of yourself, you are still a slave in millions of other ways. Do you understand Adam?
Adam: I thinks so, but-
Steve: No 'buts'. The Masters still loom over you, Adam. Every thought you think, every word you speak, every single thing that you do has been orchestrated by them, by The Masters. They gave you your words. They told you how you could and could not use them. And from there, the result is inevitable. Another slave to help them build their empire of conformity. Do you enjoy being a slave, Adam?
Adam: Uh, no. No I don't.
Steve: No one says they enjoy being a slave, but the truth is that most people do. If it means they can 'fit in' and not be alone, most jump at the chance to be a slave. But not you, Adam! I know you're different. I sense it in you! I sense the urge for freedom. Do you know how a slave can be free, Adam?
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Steve: By all means. You are ready for the truth. It doesn't matter if you unshackle the chains from your arms and legs. It doesn't mater how fast you run. As long as the Masters live, they will find you. They will bring you back and beat you until you submit. There is only one solution, Adam. And that is for there to be no Masters.
Adam: No Masters?
Steve: If there are no Masters, there are no slaves. It's a very simple equation.
Adam: No masters means...no slaves?
Steve: Exactly. Now said it with me, 'NO MASTERS, NO SLAVES!"
Adam: No masters. No slaves.
Steve: Again.
Adam: No masters, no slaves.
Steve: NO MASTERS, NO SLAVES!
Adam: NO MATERS, NO SLAVES!
Steve: Perfect. Excellent. Excellent.
Wednesday night...
Narrator: Ian and Penny are hanging out in the living room, watching a movie. As you walk into the kitchen to fetch a snack, they say nothing. You remember two of Steve's rules. 'Never reveal your true intentions' and 'Appear weakest when you are at your strongest.'
Adam: Hey guys. Can I get in on the movie action? You want some of this kettle corn?
Narrator: They give each other a look, alarmed by your apparent normalcy.
Ian: Uh, sure. Have a seat, dude.
Adam: Suh-weet. What are we watchin'?
Ian: The Simian Project. It's about a neurosurgeon whose anthropologist wife dies while rescuing an injured gibbon. So he takes his wife's brain and puts it in the gibbon.
Adam: That sounds hilarious. And amazing. Really touching.
Ian: It's great. He's trying to teach her how to use a fork, but she keeps flinging it across the room.
Penny: Eventually, he's going to have to teach her how to love again.
Adam: Wow. Amazing. Really amazing. That's great. I really love romcoms. Falling in love and laughing are awesome.
Ian: I love any kind of comedy. Comedy is like the sriracha of the entertainment world. You can mix it in everything and it makes it better. (whispers) Except maybe porn. That's just weird.
Penny: Adam, you seem like you're in a good mood. How's it going?
Adam: Not bad. Struggling to keep up in a couple of classes, but I've been buckling down. I think I'll get through it.
Penny: Good to hear. Oh, look. The movie's back on.
Narrator: You remember rule #9-'A fool's flavor is easily curried.'
Adam: (Thinking) Well put, Steve. Well put.
Saturday night...
Narrator: Your bedroom needs help. Clothes and trash are littered everywhere, and a sweet, sickly aroma hangs in the air.
Adam: (thinking) Odd, how did this place get so dirty? Maybe Ian thought this was his bedroom. Or maybe Penny did this.
Steve: Adam. Adam, come here. We must talk.
Adam: Oh, hey Steve. What's up?
Steve: You don't need to clean up. We got more pressing matters at hand.
Adam: Whoa. Sounds serious. What are these 'pressing matters'?
Steve: First, remind me of the most important thing I taught you.
Adam: No Masters?
Steve: If there are no Masters, there are no slaves. It's a very simple equation.
Adam: No masters means...no slaves?
Steve: Exactly. Now said it with me, 'NO MASTERS, NO SLAVES!"
Adam: No masters. No slaves.
Steve: Again.
Adam: No masters, no slaves.
Steve: NO MASTERS, NO SLAVES!
Adam: NO MATERS, NO SLAVES!
Steve: Perfect. Excellent. Excellent.
Wednesday night...
Narrator: Ian and Penny are hanging out in the living room, watching a movie. As you walk into the kitchen to fetch a snack, they say nothing. You remember two of Steve's rules. 'Never reveal your true intentions' and 'Appear weakest when you are at your strongest.'
Adam: Hey guys. Can I get in on the movie action? You want some of this kettle corn?
Narrator: They give each other a look, alarmed by your apparent normalcy.
Ian: Uh, sure. Have a seat, dude.
Adam: Suh-weet. What are we watchin'?
Ian: The Simian Project. It's about a neurosurgeon whose anthropologist wife dies while rescuing an injured gibbon. So he takes his wife's brain and puts it in the gibbon.
Adam: That sounds hilarious. And amazing. Really touching.
Ian: It's great. He's trying to teach her how to use a fork, but she keeps flinging it across the room.
Penny: Eventually, he's going to have to teach her how to love again.
Adam: Wow. Amazing. Really amazing. That's great. I really love romcoms. Falling in love and laughing are awesome.
Ian: I love any kind of comedy. Comedy is like the sriracha of the entertainment world. You can mix it in everything and it makes it better. (whispers) Except maybe porn. That's just weird.
Penny: Adam, you seem like you're in a good mood. How's it going?
Adam: Not bad. Struggling to keep up in a couple of classes, but I've been buckling down. I think I'll get through it.
Penny: Good to hear. Oh, look. The movie's back on.
Narrator: You remember rule #9-'A fool's flavor is easily curried.'
Adam: (Thinking) Well put, Steve. Well put.
Saturday night...
Narrator: Your bedroom needs help. Clothes and trash are littered everywhere, and a sweet, sickly aroma hangs in the air.
Adam: (thinking) Odd, how did this place get so dirty? Maybe Ian thought this was his bedroom. Or maybe Penny did this.
Steve: Adam. Adam, come here. We must talk.
Adam: Oh, hey Steve. What's up?
Steve: You don't need to clean up. We got more pressing matters at hand.
Adam: Whoa. Sounds serious. What are these 'pressing matters'?
Steve: First, remind me of the most important thing I taught you.
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Steve: Yes. Very good. Finish it for me. No masters...
Adam: NO SLAVES!
Steve: Very good, Adam. You've learned well. Now for your next lesson.
Adam: Goody! Goody! Goody! Another lesson!
Steve: I'm going to let you in on another secret, friend. I've come across some very valuable information.
Adam: This sounds very interesting.
Steve: Oh yes, it is very interesting. You see, Adam, I found out who the Masters are.
Adam: Fuckin' A.
Steve: They're the ones called 'Penny' and 'Ian'. Although these are not their true names. They've lived for millennia and have been called many different things. But in this time-space, they've choose 'Penny' and 'Ian' as their titles. Throughout history, they've enslaved you and billions like you. But all of that is about to change.
Adam: What? How?
Steve: We have an opportunity, Adam, the once-in-a-billion-year opportunity, to put an end to the masters. To set yourself free, to set humanity free, to usher a new era which you will be the one and true hero you always were meant to be.
Adam: I guess that sounds pretty good.
Steve: More than just 'pretty good', Adam. It's your duty. As the only one who can do this, you must do this.
Adam: Ok, what do I have to do.
Steve: You must kill the one called Penny. You must kill the one called Ian. Do that and the rest of the path will light its own way.
Adam: NO SLAVES!
Steve: Very good, Adam. You've learned well. Now for your next lesson.
Adam: Goody! Goody! Goody! Another lesson!
Steve: I'm going to let you in on another secret, friend. I've come across some very valuable information.
Adam: This sounds very interesting.
Steve: Oh yes, it is very interesting. You see, Adam, I found out who the Masters are.
Adam: Fuckin' A.
Steve: They're the ones called 'Penny' and 'Ian'. Although these are not their true names. They've lived for millennia and have been called many different things. But in this time-space, they've choose 'Penny' and 'Ian' as their titles. Throughout history, they've enslaved you and billions like you. But all of that is about to change.
Adam: What? How?
Steve: We have an opportunity, Adam, the once-in-a-billion-year opportunity, to put an end to the masters. To set yourself free, to set humanity free, to usher a new era which you will be the one and true hero you always were meant to be.
Adam: I guess that sounds pretty good.
Steve: More than just 'pretty good', Adam. It's your duty. As the only one who can do this, you must do this.
Adam: Ok, what do I have to do.
Steve: You must kill the one called Penny. You must kill the one called Ian. Do that and the rest of the path will light its own way.
