- Joined
- Feb 10, 2013
Let's Sperg kiwifarms.net Plays Coming Out On Top - Bros Are Hoes
- Thread starter Hummingbird
- Start date
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2014
Steve: For freedom, for truth, for the souls of the forsaken and the future of all mankind!
Adam: But how do I do it, Steve? I've never done this before. I've never killed anybody.
Steve: That's the easy part, Adam. I'll give you some very simple instructions. Write them down, follow them exactly.
Later...
Narrator: You sit in the bathroom waiting for Penny and Ian to return. The device has been placed on the coffe table in the living room. When Penny and Ian come back, they'll see it. They'll become curious and wander over to inspect it. And with a single phone call, the device will detonate. The shockwave from the blast will render them both death. For what seems like an eternity, you've been sitting, waiting, covered in sweat. You hear the jingling of keys. Penny and Ian are returning. You put your ear to the door and listen.
Ian: Whoa! What is this thing? Let's go over and inspect it, Penny.
Penny: Maybe Adam left us some donuts.
Ian: Uh, what the Hell? Did Adam leave us some kind of drug parafa--uh, parafana--
Penny: Paraphernalia.
Narrator: Your hands tremble as I begin dialing the numbers. 7. 3. 8. 0. 4. 8. 5... You hear your phone ringing in the living room.
Penny: Adam, your phone's ringing in here. You want me to get it for you?
Narrator: The bomb didn't explode. You run into the living room.
Ian: I understand you're going through some weird stuff, dude, but why did you scotch tape a lighter to the bottom of my lube?
Penny: And why is it sitting on a box with your phone? I'm not sure how exactly, but this seems very incriminating.
Narrator: You feel the dam walls holding your emotions start to crumble.
Adam: Why didn't it go off?
Penny: Why didn't what go off?
Adam: The bomb.
Ian: You know, people say I'm 'the bomb' all the time. And I do have a tendency to go off. So don't worry about it, Adam.
Narrator: You fall to your knees and begin weeping.
Adam: Steve made me do it! He said you guys were evil beings, enslaving humanity, and I was the only one-
Penny: Wait a second. Did your fish tell you to kill us, Adam?
Adam: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I think there's something wrong with me.
Ian: Whoa, Adam, it sounds like you need a break from your fish.
Penny: Oh my God this is ridiculous. Adam, you are on full bed rest as of NOW. And I'm getting rid of that damn fish.
Narrator: Penny rushes off to your bedroom with determination.
Adam: No! Don't kill him. Don't kill Steve. He's my one true friend!
Penny: No, he's not. He's just a fish, Adam. And I'm sorry, but he's gotta go.
Ian: This is probably for the best, dude. Things are getting really unhealthy around here.
Adam: Poor Steve. Poor poor Steve. This is my fault. Forgive me Steve. I'll never forget you!
Narrator: You hear the toilet flush and Penny returns.
Penny: You get to bed, mister. And after you've rested, we're getting out of this apartment and socializing. Do you understand me?
Adam: Okay. I understand.
Narrator: You stagger back to your bedroom, unsure of what's real or not. You know that you're tired and emotionally drained and that laying in bed sounds like the best idea.
Saturday...
Narrator: You spend the weekend cramming for your finals.
One week later...
Narrator: You finish up your other exams. You feel you did pretty well, considering how busy you've been. In any case, the graduation ceremony takes place this weekend. Your folks are even making the trip to watch you walk. Shortly afterwards, you'll be moving out of your apartment. Everything seems to be moving at a blinding pace.
Everything still feels a little off now that Steve's gone, but it seems like you're getting better. After turning in your last paper, you come home to find your roommates waiting for you in the living room.
Penny: Look, Adam, can we talk? We know its been a little weird around here. But Ian and I have been chatting.
Ian: You should come out with us tonight. We're graduating, dude. It'll be nice to put this semester behind us and hang out one last time.
Penny: Adam, we're never going to be able to do something like this again. I mean, maybe we'll meet up after going our separate ways. But we're never going to have another night like this, the three of us, at the cusp of adulthood, reminiscing about the past four years and what they've meant to us.
Ian: Not only that, dude, but we get to take photos of Penny passed out in a pool of her own vomit.
Adam: But how do I do it, Steve? I've never done this before. I've never killed anybody.
Steve: That's the easy part, Adam. I'll give you some very simple instructions. Write them down, follow them exactly.
Later...
Narrator: You sit in the bathroom waiting for Penny and Ian to return. The device has been placed on the coffe table in the living room. When Penny and Ian come back, they'll see it. They'll become curious and wander over to inspect it. And with a single phone call, the device will detonate. The shockwave from the blast will render them both death. For what seems like an eternity, you've been sitting, waiting, covered in sweat. You hear the jingling of keys. Penny and Ian are returning. You put your ear to the door and listen.
Ian: Whoa! What is this thing? Let's go over and inspect it, Penny.
Penny: Maybe Adam left us some donuts.
Ian: Uh, what the Hell? Did Adam leave us some kind of drug parafa--uh, parafana--
Penny: Paraphernalia.
Narrator: Your hands tremble as I begin dialing the numbers. 7. 3. 8. 0. 4. 8. 5... You hear your phone ringing in the living room.
Penny: Adam, your phone's ringing in here. You want me to get it for you?
Narrator: The bomb didn't explode. You run into the living room.
Ian: I understand you're going through some weird stuff, dude, but why did you scotch tape a lighter to the bottom of my lube?
Penny: And why is it sitting on a box with your phone? I'm not sure how exactly, but this seems very incriminating.
Narrator: You feel the dam walls holding your emotions start to crumble.
Adam: Why didn't it go off?
Penny: Why didn't what go off?
Adam: The bomb.
Ian: You know, people say I'm 'the bomb' all the time. And I do have a tendency to go off. So don't worry about it, Adam.
Narrator: You fall to your knees and begin weeping.
Adam: Steve made me do it! He said you guys were evil beings, enslaving humanity, and I was the only one-
Penny: Wait a second. Did your fish tell you to kill us, Adam?
Adam: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I think there's something wrong with me.
Ian: Whoa, Adam, it sounds like you need a break from your fish.
Penny: Oh my God this is ridiculous. Adam, you are on full bed rest as of NOW. And I'm getting rid of that damn fish.
Narrator: Penny rushes off to your bedroom with determination.
Adam: No! Don't kill him. Don't kill Steve. He's my one true friend!
Penny: No, he's not. He's just a fish, Adam. And I'm sorry, but he's gotta go.
Ian: This is probably for the best, dude. Things are getting really unhealthy around here.
Adam: Poor Steve. Poor poor Steve. This is my fault. Forgive me Steve. I'll never forget you!
Narrator: You hear the toilet flush and Penny returns.
Penny: You get to bed, mister. And after you've rested, we're getting out of this apartment and socializing. Do you understand me?
Adam: Okay. I understand.
Narrator: You stagger back to your bedroom, unsure of what's real or not. You know that you're tired and emotionally drained and that laying in bed sounds like the best idea.
Saturday...
Narrator: You spend the weekend cramming for your finals.
One week later...
Narrator: You finish up your other exams. You feel you did pretty well, considering how busy you've been. In any case, the graduation ceremony takes place this weekend. Your folks are even making the trip to watch you walk. Shortly afterwards, you'll be moving out of your apartment. Everything seems to be moving at a blinding pace.
Everything still feels a little off now that Steve's gone, but it seems like you're getting better. After turning in your last paper, you come home to find your roommates waiting for you in the living room.
Penny: Look, Adam, can we talk? We know its been a little weird around here. But Ian and I have been chatting.
Ian: You should come out with us tonight. We're graduating, dude. It'll be nice to put this semester behind us and hang out one last time.
Penny: Adam, we're never going to be able to do something like this again. I mean, maybe we'll meet up after going our separate ways. But we're never going to have another night like this, the three of us, at the cusp of adulthood, reminiscing about the past four years and what they've meant to us.
Ian: Not only that, dude, but we get to take photos of Penny passed out in a pool of her own vomit.
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2014
Penny: Holy crap! Didn't expect that answer.
Ian: Let's get the Hell out of here before you change your mind.
Narrator: Tonight, you, Ian and Penny decide to celebrate graduation by hitting the cars in the bars on College Row. It has become a ritual for you guys at the end of every semester. Alas, this will be your final time.
Ian: Wow, can you believe it?
Penny: What a crazy semester, right?
Ian: Especially for you, dude.
Narrator: As you, Penny, and Ian enter the bar, grab a drink and toast one another, you realize there's plenty of guys to drool over and date. But your friendship with Ian and Penny? You wouldn't trade it for the world. Congratulations, you, Adam Sandler, are ready to start the next chapter of your life. You land a job with a software company in the city. The pros: Location's great, the pay could be worse and the job is interesting. The cons: Your co-worker likes to microwave fish for lunch. Despite working your fingers numb, and the fact you're working on a new job, you faithfully help Penny with her app on the weekends. As both her closest friend and lead tester, she invites you to be her financial partner and marketing director for her start up. After long nights and countless hours, you both release Brofinder, and it becomes much, much bigger than anyone could've guessed.
Narrator: Or anything with their full attention any more.
The End.
If you had waited, you would've gotten the good Steve ending where you reunite and walk off into the sunset together. Or if you stood up to Steve and didn't make the bomb, you get something else.
Anyway, let's try again, with the start off point that could possibly lead us to Ian, Jed, Phil or Amos (he was added in an update and fills the intellectual, burly older man niche and can be found if you go on Ian's route).
Ian: Let's get the Hell out of here before you change your mind.
Narrator: Tonight, you, Ian and Penny decide to celebrate graduation by hitting the cars in the bars on College Row. It has become a ritual for you guys at the end of every semester. Alas, this will be your final time.
Ian: Wow, can you believe it?
Penny: What a crazy semester, right?
Ian: Especially for you, dude.
Narrator: As you, Penny, and Ian enter the bar, grab a drink and toast one another, you realize there's plenty of guys to drool over and date. But your friendship with Ian and Penny? You wouldn't trade it for the world. Congratulations, you, Adam Sandler, are ready to start the next chapter of your life. You land a job with a software company in the city. The pros: Location's great, the pay could be worse and the job is interesting. The cons: Your co-worker likes to microwave fish for lunch. Despite working your fingers numb, and the fact you're working on a new job, you faithfully help Penny with her app on the weekends. As both her closest friend and lead tester, she invites you to be her financial partner and marketing director for her start up. After long nights and countless hours, you both release Brofinder, and it becomes much, much bigger than anyone could've guessed.
Narrator: Or anything with their full attention any more.
The End.
If you had waited, you would've gotten the good Steve ending where you reunite and walk off into the sunset together. Or if you stood up to Steve and didn't make the bomb, you get something else.
Anyway, let's try again, with the start off point that could possibly lead us to Ian, Jed, Phil or Amos (he was added in an update and fills the intellectual, burly older man niche and can be found if you go on Ian's route).
After you decide not to help Alex...
Penny: I'm not sure I want to know you mean by 'nuts'.
Later...
Narrator: You're putting the finishing touches on your presentation when you hear someone pounding on the bedroom door.
Penny: Christ, Ian! How long have you been in there?! If you're jacking it, at least do it with the faucet OFF! As if our water bills weren't high enough.
Narrator: You hear Ian's voice rise above the sound of the shower.
Ian: WELL GUESS WHAT! YOU JUST INTERRUPTED ME! NO I GOT TO START OVER FROM THE BEGINNING! WITH A NEW VISUAL!
Narrator: Penny yanks open the door.
Penny: Sorry I forgot to knock. I'm currently harboring some violent thoughts about my living situation.
Adam: At least this is our last year of college though, right?
Penny: I suppose. Does Ian realize how lucky he is to have friends like us? Do you realize what he wants for his birthday? It's going to be like a perverted needle in a sex-shop haystack. Oh my God, I need to pee bad.
Narrator: You hear the water shut off.
Penny: ... FUCKING FINALLY! My bladder's about to explode.
Ian: Knock yourself out. Let me know if I left anything in the shower that needs mopping up. OW!!! I was kidding.
Ian: You got a moment?
Adam: Sure. What's up?
Ian: Sorry I've been kind of testy lately. It's just that, well, I can't believe we're going to be graduating in only a few months. I know it sounds silly, but I had a vision of us making most of our final semester here, you know? Anyway, I finally have this weekend off and I'm wondering if you might want to check out the frat party this Friday night.
Adam: Frat party? I dunno.
Ian: I know it's not exactly your thing, but if you wing for me, I'll wing for you at, like, a gay bar or something.
Adam: Hrm. Which frat is it?
Ian: The Delta lota Kappas. I hear they're very LGBT friendly.
Adam: I don't know. A frat party is a frat party.
Ian: Come on, dude. I can't do this without you.
Penny: I'm not sure I want to know you mean by 'nuts'.
Later...
Narrator: You're putting the finishing touches on your presentation when you hear someone pounding on the bedroom door.
Penny: Christ, Ian! How long have you been in there?! If you're jacking it, at least do it with the faucet OFF! As if our water bills weren't high enough.
Narrator: You hear Ian's voice rise above the sound of the shower.
Ian: WELL GUESS WHAT! YOU JUST INTERRUPTED ME! NO I GOT TO START OVER FROM THE BEGINNING! WITH A NEW VISUAL!
Narrator: Penny yanks open the door.
Penny: Sorry I forgot to knock. I'm currently harboring some violent thoughts about my living situation.
Adam: At least this is our last year of college though, right?
Penny: I suppose. Does Ian realize how lucky he is to have friends like us? Do you realize what he wants for his birthday? It's going to be like a perverted needle in a sex-shop haystack. Oh my God, I need to pee bad.
Narrator: You hear the water shut off.
Penny: ... FUCKING FINALLY! My bladder's about to explode.
Ian: Knock yourself out. Let me know if I left anything in the shower that needs mopping up. OW!!! I was kidding.
Ian: You got a moment?
Adam: Sure. What's up?
Ian: Sorry I've been kind of testy lately. It's just that, well, I can't believe we're going to be graduating in only a few months. I know it sounds silly, but I had a vision of us making most of our final semester here, you know? Anyway, I finally have this weekend off and I'm wondering if you might want to check out the frat party this Friday night.
Adam: Frat party? I dunno.
Ian: I know it's not exactly your thing, but if you wing for me, I'll wing for you at, like, a gay bar or something.
Adam: Hrm. Which frat is it?
Ian: The Delta lota Kappas. I hear they're very LGBT friendly.
Adam: I don't know. A frat party is a frat party.
Ian: Come on, dude. I can't do this without you.
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2014
If you go on Ian's route and choose to stay at the gay bar after Ian screws up your chances, you can meet and date Amos. So you're not really locked.
nvrn19
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Aug 22, 2015
Oh! That's my fault for assuming then. I just figured since it seemed like we skidded towards being neutral to Alex, and Brad and Phil are definitely out of the picture at this rate that we wouldn't even get to see Amos. ;;
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2014
It's still open to get on good terms with Jed and Phil. If you reject the offer to go to the frat party, Phil will offer to go on an outing.
nvrn19
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Aug 22, 2015
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2014
Ian: Sweet. This is going to be great wining for each other, dude. Check out the gunboats. Am I not equipped to be the greatest wingman of all time?
Thursday night...
Narrator: You're in the kitchen, creating a towering sandwich for yourself when-
Penny: I don't believe this.
Adam: What is it?
Penny: You. Phil. Things are happening.
Adam: Huh? Phil hates my guts.
Penny: Here. He wants to talk to you.
Adam: Hello? This is Adam.
Phil: Apparently, you made fans out of the Walkers.
Narrator: You can almost hear disdain oozing through the phone.
Adam: You're welcome. I do balloon animals at birthday parties, too.
Phil: ... Well, they bought ballet pickets for Violet tomorrow night. They asked me to escort her and to 'please invite my wealthy friend, if I could'. So. You impressed them. How, I don't know.
Adam: So-you, me and Violet? Going to the ballet? Are you asking me out?
Phil: If you want to get technical about it, yes. Patrick insisted that I call you. The Walkers have been hinting at a major donation, so I'm obliged to ask.
Adam: How romantic.
Phil: PLEASE feel free to say no.
Thursday night...
Narrator: You're in the kitchen, creating a towering sandwich for yourself when-
Penny: I don't believe this.
Adam: What is it?
Penny: You. Phil. Things are happening.
Adam: Huh? Phil hates my guts.
Penny: Here. He wants to talk to you.
Adam: Hello? This is Adam.
Phil: Apparently, you made fans out of the Walkers.
Narrator: You can almost hear disdain oozing through the phone.
Adam: You're welcome. I do balloon animals at birthday parties, too.
Phil: ... Well, they bought ballet pickets for Violet tomorrow night. They asked me to escort her and to 'please invite my wealthy friend, if I could'. So. You impressed them. How, I don't know.
Adam: So-you, me and Violet? Going to the ballet? Are you asking me out?
Phil: If you want to get technical about it, yes. Patrick insisted that I call you. The Walkers have been hinting at a major donation, so I'm obliged to ask.
Adam: How romantic.
Phil: PLEASE feel free to say no.
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2014
Phil: You're kidding.
Adam: Honestly, I'd like to go.
Narrator: You hear a muffled noise as if Phil was covering the phone receiver and swearing.
Adam: Anything wrong?
Phil: No. Just allergies. And an impending sense of doom. I'll pick you up, 8:00 Friday night.
Adam: I'll be there with bells on.
Narrator: You hear a pause. And then a silence. Phil has hung up.
Penny: What the heck was that about? Are you going on a date with my cousin? He must really like you! Oh my God! Are you guys going on a date? I knew this would work out!
Friday...
Narrator: You give your presentation. When you catch your professor checking her phone, you hack a cough and shoot her a dirty glare. You and Ian leave for the Delta party before ten. The party is at full swing by the time you enter the frat house. Rock blares from one room, mingling uneasily with the bass-heavy hip-hop thundering from another, and EDM from the third. Students in varying stages of intoxication occupy the rooms and the hallways. You can practically taste the air. The smell of alcohol, unwashed collegiate, and weed permeate the house. You and Ian convene to a less crowded corner of the living room.
Steve: So tell me something. The two girls making out in front of a crowd in the kitchen is what you meant by LGBT friendly?
Ian: Wait, that doesn't count? C'mon dude, I'm kidding! Chill.
Adam: Are there even any gay guys in this frat?
Ian: Um, not sure. I know they weighed each other's balls during rush. Typical frat stuff. Want me to do some snooping?
Adam: No, just forget it. I suppose it doesn't matter since I'm your wingman tonight. Let's do this. What's our game plan?
Ian: Alright, those to girls right behind you. I'm going to grab some food and bevs. You make the small talk and introduce yourself.
Adam: What do I say?
Ian: Talk about how you're here with your best friend. A very handsome, reputable, and much sought-after guy.
Adan: I want to meet this guy.
Ian: Shut-up. Look, just emphasize parts of my character these girls would appreciate.
Adam: Like being able to masturbate while handling a variety of tasks?
Ian: My erudition. My physical prowess. My acts of everyday heroism. Hey, I'm giving you full artistic license to exaggerate.
Adam: Ok, lie my ass off.
Ian: Look, they just shot down some poor schmuck. They're moving this way. Get in there!
Narrator: Ian heads for the refreshment table. You struggle to think of an opener.
Adam: (thinking) Why did Ian think I'd make a good wingman? He's way more extroverted than I am. Hell, here goes nothing.
Narrator: You approach the girls, trying to seem enthusiastic, but not over-eager, assertive, but not desperate, friendly but not cloying.
Adam: Honestly, I'd like to go.
Narrator: You hear a muffled noise as if Phil was covering the phone receiver and swearing.
Adam: Anything wrong?
Phil: No. Just allergies. And an impending sense of doom. I'll pick you up, 8:00 Friday night.
Adam: I'll be there with bells on.
Narrator: You hear a pause. And then a silence. Phil has hung up.
Penny: What the heck was that about? Are you going on a date with my cousin? He must really like you! Oh my God! Are you guys going on a date? I knew this would work out!
Friday...
Narrator: You give your presentation. When you catch your professor checking her phone, you hack a cough and shoot her a dirty glare. You and Ian leave for the Delta party before ten. The party is at full swing by the time you enter the frat house. Rock blares from one room, mingling uneasily with the bass-heavy hip-hop thundering from another, and EDM from the third. Students in varying stages of intoxication occupy the rooms and the hallways. You can practically taste the air. The smell of alcohol, unwashed collegiate, and weed permeate the house. You and Ian convene to a less crowded corner of the living room.
Steve: So tell me something. The two girls making out in front of a crowd in the kitchen is what you meant by LGBT friendly?
Ian: Wait, that doesn't count? C'mon dude, I'm kidding! Chill.
Adam: Are there even any gay guys in this frat?
Ian: Um, not sure. I know they weighed each other's balls during rush. Typical frat stuff. Want me to do some snooping?
Adam: No, just forget it. I suppose it doesn't matter since I'm your wingman tonight. Let's do this. What's our game plan?
Ian: Alright, those to girls right behind you. I'm going to grab some food and bevs. You make the small talk and introduce yourself.
Adam: What do I say?
Ian: Talk about how you're here with your best friend. A very handsome, reputable, and much sought-after guy.
Adan: I want to meet this guy.
Ian: Shut-up. Look, just emphasize parts of my character these girls would appreciate.
Adam: Like being able to masturbate while handling a variety of tasks?
Ian: My erudition. My physical prowess. My acts of everyday heroism. Hey, I'm giving you full artistic license to exaggerate.
Adam: Ok, lie my ass off.
Ian: Look, they just shot down some poor schmuck. They're moving this way. Get in there!
Narrator: Ian heads for the refreshment table. You struggle to think of an opener.
Adam: (thinking) Why did Ian think I'd make a good wingman? He's way more extroverted than I am. Hell, here goes nothing.
Narrator: You approach the girls, trying to seem enthusiastic, but not over-eager, assertive, but not desperate, friendly but not cloying.
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2014
Blond: My father and grandfather were chapter presidents of this fraternity when they were in college.
Adam: (thinking) Shit. (now talking) I'm Adam and I'm here with my roommate, Ian.
Narrator: The girls look at the direction of the food table.
Brunette: The guy who just stuck his tortilla chip into the punch bowl.
Adam: Ah, he must've thought it was salsa.
Girls: ...
Adam: He's a hungry guy.
Girls: ...
Adam: (thinking) Shit. (now talking) I'm Adam and I'm here with my roommate, Ian.
Narrator: The girls look at the direction of the food table.
Brunette: The guy who just stuck his tortilla chip into the punch bowl.
Adam: Ah, he must've thought it was salsa.
Girls: ...
Adam: He's a hungry guy.
Girls: ...
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2014
Brunette: He saved your life?
Adam: Ok, look, he doesn't like it when I share his past with strangers, but he saved my life a few years ago during a backpacking trip in the Rockies. We were hiking and I got bit by a snake.
Blond: What kind of snake?
Adam: Ok, look, he doesn't like it when I share his past with strangers, but he saved my life a few years ago during a backpacking trip in the Rockies. We were hiking and I got bit by a snake.
Blond: What kind of snake?
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2014
Brunette: How frightening.
Adam: I was terrified. I felt this incredible pain, and half my body became paralyzed. He didn't even hesitate. Before I even asked, he sucked the venom right out of my-
Adam: I was terrified. I felt this incredible pain, and half my body became paralyzed. He didn't even hesitate. Before I even asked, he sucked the venom right out of my-
