Horrorcow Lucas Werner - A man of Spokane, Washington who is obsessed with millennial and Gen Z chicks

[VoidFace]

Patrick Tomlinson seems to be ramping up

I’d never heard of this guy, thank you for giving me a new cow to laugh at.

 

[Rupin]

I’d never heard of this guy, thank you for giving me a new cow to laugh at.

you might have come in at the end of an era, since Lucas is MIA right now.

 

[VoidFace]

you might have come in at the end of an era, since Lucas is MIA right now.

Agreed. I don’t think he’s dead yet, but I think we can all read the writing on the wall: the Wern is on his way out. It will be sad to see him go out with such a whimper, I was really hoping for a heart attack or aneurysm while he’s screaming “GEN ZZZZZZZZ” under a bridge so he could die as he lived; I think I’ll miss his particular brand of milk. But at least the taxpayers will save thousands of dollars a year.

Chris-Chan is too cringey even for me, and I’ve never cared for Ratface, so I’ve been looking for a new cow. This other guy might fit the bill.

 

[WonderWino]

Agreed. I don’t think he’s dead yet, but I think we can all read the writing on the wall: the Wern is on his way out. It will be sad to see him go out with such a whimper, I was really hoping for a heart attack or aneurysm while he’s screaming “GEN ZZZZZZZZ” under a bridge so he could die as he lived; I think I’ll miss his particular brand of milk. But at least the taxpayers will save thousands of dollars a year.

Chris-Chan is too cringey even for me, and I’ve never cared for Ratface, so I’ve been looking for a new cow. This other guy might fit the bill.

Theres still the possibility lucas might do something crazy out of sheer desperation and knowing he's got nothing to lose. With lucas's bizarre thinking, narcissism and sense of entitlement theres no way to know for sure exactly what he'll do or how he'll react in such a situation. Especially if she stops his meds out of not giving a shit anymore. Thats not to say grabbing some zoomer in the street at night and dragging her off into the woods or anything like that - he couldn't do that if he wanted to, he's way too out of shape for that and too cowardly, but he might get real creepy and start demanding shit and go after what he really wants if he only has a short time left. The major wern arcs of the past are likely over though. There won't likely be another LA style travel, homeless or college saga, though I wouldn't rule out him getting desperate enough to show up at king roys or myrnas under the right circumstances. Assuming lucas hasn't suddenly taken a serious turn for the worse and ends up in a hospital for the rest of his life he might still do some stupid shit. Almost definitely some kind of rant video as a fuck you to the world and all his 'haters' for him never having gotten what he wants and feels he deserves. But I doubt any more homeless shelter cooking episodes are in the cards. Lucas is lucky he got into a nursing home when he did. All things considered he could easily have stayed on the street a few more months and dropped dead or pulled an elvis in a shelter bathroom. All that puking and shit he was doing with the outcast owls when he ate those chips and had that beer were symptoms. Had he still been out on the street he could have been out in the woods and had the puking and collapse at the store incident that started the kidney saga out in the woods alone and died then and there. Probably not being found for days or even weeks, assuming animals didn't get to his body first

I wonder how much of his current kidney problems is connected to that hole in his foot. Injuries like that can cause all kinds of infections, blood pressure and blood issues and a shit ton of other problems, and make his diabetes worse and his organs worse as a result of that, so it can turn into a chain reaction pretty fast. Hence the reason Losing a foot can lead to a rapid decline in such people. I still don't get how he was so stupid he could ignore that hole for as long as he did. Sure the beetus numbed his foot but that doesn't explain not seeing theres a hole in your foot when you take your shoe off. He is truly a special kind of stupid to not take such an injury seriously

But yeah, like you said the writing is on the wall. Even if he somehow comes out of the current kidney issues alive for the time being, he's not going to change so at best he's living on borrowed time. He's on the way out one way or another. He'll never make it to 50, nor likely anywhere near it, and will never face being called out for his lie that he'll kill himself when he hits 55

His tugboat comes into port tomorrow so whatever happens in the next 2 or 3 days should be pretty telling as to whether something serious is up

As for chris chan I don't get the interest either. He's a narcissistic sped thats obsessed with sonic, made a comic and lives in a shithole hoarders house. Thats mostly pretty common. I don't get why so many people tried to help him out, are so obsessed with him or showed up at his house to see him in person. He's a weirdo but doesn't really do anything interesting enough to bother. I mean he's pretty similar to the guy who got obsessed with cocks and made the mr happy esquire comic I went to elementary school with, and that guy doesn't have the kind of attention on him chris chan does

 

[Da Dude123]

One thing we aren't quite sure of, is how much money does Lucas's current housing situation take from him. We know he got his fool stamp card back and happily spends his hand outs every month on Ramen noodles and cheese. But we don't know how much of his tugboat he gets after the housing intercepts it.

If he loses a phone, does he have enough money to get a new one? Basically, you can get free phones if you pay for one month of service through prepaid carriers like Metro, Cricket, or Boost. So, he should hopefully have enough to do that. You just need to pay for service upfront. Maybe $50?

Lucas was ramping up the autistic antics with his merchandise store as well as his pay for friend request and block scheme. He thinks both of those are plenty good ideas. So, I don't think him going silent right now would be something he would voluntarily do.

Lucas is a broke ragman and barely has any money to his name. A small expense is enough to throw him into a tail spin. This whole thing could be a result of a broken phone.

 

[Twrx]

Theres still the possibility lucas might do something crazy out of sheer desperation and knowing he's got nothing to lose. With lucas's bizarre thinking, narcissism and sense of entitlement theres no way to know for sure exactly what he'll do or how he'll react in such a situation. Especially if she stops his meds out of not giving a shit anymore. Thats not to say grabbing some zoomer in the street at night and dragging her off into the woods or anything like that - he couldn't do that if he wanted to, he's way too out of shape for that and too cowardly, but he might get real creepy and start demanding shit and go after what he really wants if he only has a short time left. The major wern arcs of the past are likely over though. There won't likely be another LA style travel, homeless or college saga, though I wouldn't rule out him getting desperate enough to show up at king roys or myrnas under the right circumstances. Assuming lucas hasn't suddenly taken a serious turn for the worse and ends up in a hospital for the rest of his life he might still do some stupid shit. Almost definitely some kind of rant video as a fuck you to the world and all his 'haters' for him never having gotten what he wants and feels he deserves. But I doubt any more homeless shelter cooking episodes are in the cards. Lucas is lucky he got into a nursing home when he did. All things considered he could easily have stayed on the street a few more months and dropped dead or pulled an elvis in a shelter bathroom. All that puking and shit he was doing with the outcast owls when he ate those chips and had that beer were symptoms. Had he still been out on the street he could have been out in the woods and had the puking and collapse at the store incident that started the kidney saga out in the woods alone and died then and there. Probably not being found for days or even weeks, assuming animals didn't get to his body first

I wonder how much of his current kidney problems is connected to that hole in his foot. Injuries like that can cause all kinds of infections, blood pressure and blood issues and a shit ton of other problems, and make his diabetes worse and his organs worse as a result of that, so it can turn into a chain reaction pretty fast. Hence the reason Losing a foot can lead to a rapid decline in such people. I still don't get how he was so stupid he could ignore that hole for as long as he did. Sure the beetus numbed his foot but that doesn't explain not seeing theres a hole in your foot when you take your shoe off. He is truly a special kind of stupid to not take such an injury seriously

But yeah, like you said the writing is on the wall. Even if he somehow comes out of the current kidney issues alive for the time being, he's not going to change so at best he's living on borrowed time. He's on the way out one way or another. He'll never make it to 50, nor likely anywhere near it, and will never face being called out for his lie that he'll kill himself when he hits 55

His tugboat comes into port tomorrow so whatever happens in the next 2 or 3 days should be pretty telling as to whether something serious is up

As for chris chan I don't get the interest either. He's a narcissistic sped thats obsessed with sonic, made a comic and lives in a shithole hoarders house. Thats mostly pretty common. I don't get why so many people tried to help him out, are so obsessed with him or showed up at his house to see him in person. He's a weirdo but doesn't really do anything interesting enough to bother. I mean he's pretty similar to the guy who got obsessed with cocks and made the mr happy esquire comic I went to elementary school with, and that guy doesn't have the kind of attention on him chris chan does

It's not that he didn't see it, it's that consequences don't exist for him. He doesn't see them, I don't know if it's his ego or how he was raised or a combination. That, and holding himself hostage to attempt to get his way.

 

[AnOminous]

Agreed. I don’t think he’s dead yet, but I think we can all read the writing on the wall: the Wern is on his way out. It will be sad to see him go out with such a whimper, I was really hoping for a heart attack or aneurysm while he’s screaming “GEN ZZZZZZZZ” under a bridge so he could die as he lived; I think I’ll miss his particular brand of milk. But at least the taxpayers will save thousands of dollars a year.

He doesn't deserve such an ending. Only a true American original like the Herkster deserved to die on the road as a free man fighting the babyfuckers to the death.

 

[BowlOfDick]

Agreed. I don’t think he’s dead yet, but I think we can all read the writing on the wall: the Wern is on his way out. It will be sad to see him go out with such a whimper, I was really hoping for a heart attack or aneurysm while he’s screaming “GEN ZZZZZZZZ” under a bridge so he could die as he lived; I think I’ll miss his particular brand of milk. But at least the taxpayers will save thousands of dollars a year.

Chris-Chan is too cringey even for me, and I’ve never cared for Ratface, so I’ve been looking for a new cow. This other guy might fit the bill.

“So this is the way the Wern dies”

 

[WonderWino]

“So this is the way the Wern dies”

To thunderous applause

.....or in lucas's case more like a thunderous last shart as his bowels loosen at death and he blasts one last massive shit over himself and everything within a 10 square foot radius. It'll be a smell even the most seasoned pathologist and morgue workers will reel at the mere thought of for years to come

Perhaps lucas will panic at the realization that his end is near and come up with some crackpot plan to use science to freeze himself so that he can be healed when medical science and telomere studies advance enough to heal him and to escape everyone who knows too much about his past to keep him from finding a zoomer bae....and either crawl into a freezer at mallon place or sit his ass under a bridge in the middle of winter to freeze. If he tries something like that there is only one thing to do - select a wernologist to be cryogenically frozen as well, provided with a copy of the thread and the wernology archives and dedicated to reviving the study of wernology and protecting the population of spokane from lucas when he returns. Either that or go the secret society route and pass down wernology to future generations of wern initiates

 

[Purgatorium]

As my first lolcow ever has a fat chance to be on his way out, I’m not gonna think about all the glorious manners of his death. I’m going to go back to page 1 and prolong the inevitable

 

[VoidFace]

As my first lolcow ever has a fat chance to be on his way out, I’m not gonna think about all the glorious manners of his death. I’m going to go back to page 1 and prolong the inevitable

In my case he isn’t my first, but easily my favorite. Such a perfectly awful mixture of narcissism, pseudointellectual ramblings, lack of self awareness, inceldom and abject failure.

Plus he is so unfortunate and awful in every way you almost feel bad for him…then he does something that reminds you he’s a leech, a pedo, a grifter, etc, and your disgust is renewed, keeping it fresh.

 

[wenttobermuda]

O

Facts not in evidence.

Over ruled. The court finds sufficient factual basis for the continued existence of Lucas Colby Werner.

Very true about Lucas's health. I seriously doubt Myrna speaks to Lucas at all anymore. Probably did not call him on his birthday and probably did not send him a card or an email or anything. But if she got notification the cow was dead, she would be booo hoooing on Facebook about what a victim Lucas was and how society did not do enough to help her perfect son. All for ass pats and attention. In real life she probably would not care and would tell the coroner in Spokane County to throw her dead son in a pauper's grave.

I miss the cow's mooing.

Spoiler: He goes missing a lot

A survey of wernology reveals many inactive spells. The efforts of field agents have occasionally provided wernologists with insight into these periods. For example, when Lucas was observed being stuffed into an ambulance by the men with butterfly nets, his subsequent absence from social media was fairly attributed to another psychiatric hospitalization (and later confirmed by Lucas's own admission). Had field agents not been at the bus station at the right moment, wernologists would have remained ignorant of Lucas’s misadventure. Explanations for these down periods generally come long after the fact.

Lucas’s longest inactive periods have generally been involuntary, a matter of not having access to the internet. Whether eating pills at the laughing academy again, or unable to afford a replacement phone, the lore of wernology records many periods where Lucas was unable to spread his mating call on social media. Field agents have demonstrated that in at least some of these periods, Lucas resorted to posting hand drawn attraction signs around Spokane. So strong was the impulse to find his smart pretty interesting girl, he did not let practical problems stop him. Puss puss seeking behavior continued without the internet. And as soon as he'd get out of the hospital, or get his hands on a new phone, Lucas's social media activity would resume.

Currently, Lucas's whereabouts and activities are unknown to wernologists. This is not unusual. His silence always fuels speculation, but it's focused on his physical health now. That's something new

Lucas's health has been noticeably poor as of late. He appears even more bloated and shakey than usual. He's dropped provocative details about his kidneys, and dialysis treatments. As a known diabetic who has proven incapable of managing his health, this has lead many wernologists to conclude that Lucas will not live long enough to commit suicide at 55. And prior to fading out, Lucas was posting dull food content, not the agitated jeremiads about Gen Z wombs that made him noteworthy. He gave the impression of a fire that had burned out.

One of Lucas’s most endearing traits was his single minded focus. When faced with numerous pressing problems, such as homelessness and unemployment, he'd dedicate all of his energy and attention to what matters most: getting teen puss puss. He'd let nothing stand in his way. Has the reality of his ruined body discouraged him, or made him switch his focus? It would be a shame. I'm rooting for Lucas.

 

[Stafford Beer Bong]

Isn’t this the day he usually gets his tugboat?

Will be interested to see if he crops up with pics of his EBT haul or a nice sushi dinner, although I am inclined to believe his health is so bad he has been hospitalized again.

Not ruling out a mental health issue either but if I was in as bad of shape with my physical health as Lucas all my focus would be on my eminent death. But this is Lucas.

I could see him facing his death with the sperg of all spergouts demanding he get teen puss puss before he leaves the planet.

 

[Gas Station Boner Pills]

This thread has been speculating for years now that his health is on it's last legs and he'll be dying at any time, but as predictable as the sun rising in the morning he pops back up out of nowhere spewing his lunacy and usually not even addressing his mysterious absence. As long as that bloated old carcass of his has a pulse he'll return to grift and E-beg for sympathy eventually.

 

[Al from Dadeville]

Has he ever gone straight to the looney bin from his cooking phase? I thought he usually gets off his meds and gets kicked out of his apartment before he gets committed.
Edit: I don’t think that foot wound ever really went away. My money is on something like that. If he lost a foot I bet he would try to keep that quiet

 

[BowlOfDick]

Has he ever gone straight to the looney bin from his cooking phase? I thought he usually gets off his meds and gets kicked out of his apartment before he gets committed.
Edit: I don’t think that foot wound ever really went away. My money is on something like that. If he lost a foot I bet he would try to keep that quiet

Yes, but normally with substantially more mooing beforehand. That’s why us Wernologists are knocked for six

 

[QueenBurritoSupreme]

His phone probably got lost/broke/stolen. Give it time.

 

[WonderWino]

His phone probably got lost/broke/stolen. Give it time.

Maybe, but that doesn't explain why he didn't go to the public library to log into his accounts to beg for stuff for his birthday. As has been pointed out thats his biggest scam day of the year and when he's most likely to get the most stuff from people. That he wouldn't go to the library to take advantage of that is a red flag for something being up. This is a first for him

That said I was digging a bit into mall on place and came across the spokane area map on this site:
https://www.assistedliving.com/washington/spokane/mallon-place/ and made some interesting observations:

1. The only canada lucas will ever get to is canada island in riverfront park....and he was even banned from entry to that for awhile due to being banned from the park. It seems canada just doesn't want him around

2. There are many restaurants i'd have expected lucas to have frequented that he hasn't mentioned in his established 'territory' such as the old spaghetti factory (which is definitely something i'd expect lucas to consider 'gourmet'), the onion and most amusing of all - the elk. I can just see lucas sitting in the dining room of the elk mooing about the injustice of being denied his rightful place in the elk kingdom at the right hand of king roy, with the irony of the situation entirely lost on him due to his own lack of self awareness

3. His famed post street 'age gap scene' doesn't have much on it. several churches, some restaurant called mary lous milk bottle and some small businesses in the north and in the south its mostly parks and small businesses. Its a weird place for lucas to get it in his head that zoomers and older men are hooking up there. Though part of me wonders if lucas heard rumors from other hobos in the shelters about hookup spots in the parks where older men hook up with zoomers and his swiss cheese brain twisted that around until he convinced himself this was 40+ year olds hooking up zoomer baes when in reality they were describing gay cruising spots in those parks where creepy old guys go cruising for young boys. Its exactly the kind of thing i'd expect lucas get fucked up in his head about. The irony of that is fucking hilarious as well. I mean lucas 'i'm totally not gay and don't spaz out at the smallest contact with men' spending years ranting and raving about gay hookup spots for creepy old men to meet trashy gay zoomers and being too stupid to realize it would be a crown jewel of wernology and would make him freak out to no end if he ever realized it

It must also infuriate him that there are multiple bars very close to mallon place that he can't afford to frequent. Though I wouldn't be surprised to find he skulks around nearby gawking at the women coming out of the bar often. The fact he doesn't mention these places at all is telling. Probably got banned from more places than he lets on

 

[Broadside]

I’d never heard of this guy, thank you for giving me a new cow to laugh at.

I also heard of Patrick via this thread due to a suggestion and boy it's been a fucking wild year. Pat is like the thinking man's CWC. He just constantly steps on rakes and refuses to learn anything. It's a true tragicomic odyssey.

 

[SteveGoatman]

3. His famed post street 'age gap scene' doesn't have much on it. several churches, some restaurant called mary lous milk bottle and some small businesses in the north and in the south its mostly parks and small businesses. Its a weird place for lucas to get it in his head that zoomers and older men are hooking up there. Though part of me wonders if lucas heard rumors from other hobos in the shelters about hookup spots in the parks where older men hook up with zoomers and his swiss cheese brain twisted that around until he convinced himself this was 40+ year olds hooking up zoomer baes when in reality they were describing gay cruising spots in those parks where creepy old guys go cruising for young boys. Its exactly the kind of thing i'd expect lucas get fucked up in his head about. The irony of that is fucking hilarious as well. I mean lucas 'i'm totally not gay and don't spaz out at the smallest contact with men' spending years ranting and raving about gay hookup spots for creepy old men to meet trashy gay zoomers and being too stupid to realize it would be a crown jewel of wernology and would make him freak out to no end if he ever realized it

This has always been one of the most amusing delusions of his.

Not only that there are a ton of these hookups/relationships happening (while I'm sure the number is higher than zero, it's obviously wildly exaggerated in his brain) but they're happening regularly in Spokane, and happening in the part of Spokane that he just so happens to frequent on his ragman adventures. Or even more insane it's happening with every single person in his fartbox complex OTHER than him. Literally everyone of his neighbors at the time was supposedly in an age gap/interracial relationship. I realize that crazy people generally aren't rational, but it's amazing how it never occurs to him how INCREDIBLY unlikely that is to be true. But it's also amazing that this delusion also drives home the point that everybody else knows this secret intel that gets them what he desperately wants but won't share it with him.