Horrorcow Lucas Werner - A man of Spokane, Washington who is obsessed with millennial and Gen Z chicks

[Particle Bored]

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What if Lucas is dead under a bridge? Will anyone find him? Would anyone care?

Here Lies Lucas Werner
He Never Scored Any Puss Puss.

Just watched Dont Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead the other day...

"Fat Smelly Hobo"
"Died of MRSA/Beetus/Exposure"

(only it would be made of cardboard instead of marble/granite, since instead of finding a wad of cash in his pocket, the undertaker would find a cocktail pep and a clipped pic from a GapKids catalog)

 

[AnOminous]

Does anyone think it may have been possible that Lucas became self-aware long enough to have realized he was incriminating himself to a catfish and has simply chosen to disappear until the heat dies down? Maybe even smashed his phone to destroy evidence? Now that I think about it has he ever given verified stories of what happened to his past phones?

You are talking about a dude so goddamn dumb he can't even keep a roof over his head.

 

[WonderWino]

You are talking about a dude so goddamn dumb he can't even keep a roof over his head.

So we know that Lucas thinks books are associated with being intelligent and educated

Wait a minute......

Its the perfect plan to use books to keep a roof over his head and keep the rain out on the streets

 

[wenttobermuda]

so, like all other dedicated renologists, I've been getting my worm fixed during the drought by watching some of his old videos. I was watching one of the videos where he just got an apartment, titled how about you go out with me? And I came upon Lucas's comparison of the ages of women he stated to reading materials. He said that he'd already dated old women, and that was like reading a book, he didn't want to date women his own age, because that was the most boring, which he likened to reading a newspaper, and obviously his desired age group, which I believe at this point was still millennials and not yet gen z, he likened to reading a magazine, saying that was what he wanted. I thought about this for a while. in the same video, Lucas mentioned that he himself was writing his famous book about telling years. So we know that Lucas thinks books are associated with being intelligent and educated. He's not against print media in any kind of way. even though he doesn't want to be with older women, he likens them to a reading material that's of substance, that he associates with the intelligence that he is so anxious to cultivate the impression that he possesses. But his desired younger group? there is disposable as magazines. Of course, I don't have any idea what sort of magazine Lucas had in mind when he said this, but my mind went straight to tablets, for some reason. I guess I associate Lucas with trash. Lucas wants something disposable and fun, freed from strings. This is one of the reasons why he's vacillated in the impression of seriousness that he desires in a relationship, sometimes saying he very much wants a child, sometimes saying it's up to the woman, sometimes demanding marriage immediately, and sometimes saying there would be an extended dating.. I believe these are all pretext to just getting quick disposable sex. It's actually viciously misogynistic to compare young women to pulp tablets. best case scenario, he was thinking about Time magazine or national geographic, even though I know he wasn't, and it's still something disposable, something that only has value in the month that it's released, and that's just becomes recyclable trash after that. obviously Lucas never considers any of his metaphors this deeply, but it's interesting to think what is metaphors say about the way Lucas's brain works. This is the real thing that is held my interest for so long the way Lucas's brain works, or rather the way it doesn't work correctly.

Interesting theory.

I have the time to sperg, and so I will sperg.

Spoiler: AARRGGGHH! I'M SPERGING! UNGH!

I don't think Lucas would be opposed to casual, recreational sex with a queefy bae. He would probably be delighted at any puss puss access, however fleeting. And it's true that he's staked his claim on every gen Z girl in Spokane, and seems fixated on "multiple girlfriends" and the cursed flatbills who enjoy them. And yet...

...Lucas is one needy fucker. He wants sex, and he wants to be taken care of. Lucas thinks that sex will prove to the world that he isn't a failure. He will hump, and people will take him seriously and respect him. He will hump, and everything else in his life with fall into place.

Thinking about how Lucas uses metaphors (or figurative language more broadly) is an interesting approach to mocking Lucas, and the comparison of women to reading material is a weird one. Worth exploring. It suggests to me a dude in the laughing academy with a handful of old magazines and battered paperbacks.

Bear in mind Lucas's relationship to reading. He fancies himself a writer. He's the man who wrote Wound. He's talked about how, as an awkward youth, he found "refuge" in books and other media. It seems that, unable to form relationships with living, breathing girls, he connected to fictive ones in his book. And then probably furiously fapped. How does this inform your understanding of his use of metaphor?

Anyway, Lucas's best attested metaphor, is definitely food.

E.g: Lucas maintains that mature gentlemen like him are like cheese, or liquor, which are good things folks like to put in their mouths. Young, virile men are like milk. Butt sex with the Wern is like a full English breakfast. Vanilla, age appropriate sex is like boring breakfast cereal. Age makes certain food items more valuable and enjoyable. Lucas wants you to think of him as one of these food items.

Animals are another metaphor Lucas returns to. He compares himself to a silverback gorilla. He explains politics by referencing monkeys (he means apes, though). He describes his ideal girl as loving like a dog is loving. I think that for Lucas, animals are a stand in for authenticity, as opposed to this phony, hateful world that doesn't appreciate his genius.

 

[King Daddy Telomerase]

You are talking about a dude so goddamn dumb he can't even keep a roof over his head.

And that the one simple thing Lucas needed to do to keep that roof over his head was shut up and not harass people. It would be a major life change for Lucas to suddenly drop social media.

 

[boner_alert]

And I came upon Lucas's comparison of the ages of women he's dated to reading materials.

Even though he doesn't want to be with older women, he likens them to a reading material that's of substance, that he associates with the intelligence that he is so anxious to cultivate the impression that he possesses.

But his desired younger group? Theyre as disposable as magazines.

It's actually viciously misogynistic to compare young women to pulp tablets. best case scenario, he was thinking about Time magazine or national geographic, even though I know he wasn't, and it's still something disposable, something that only has value in the month that it's released, and that's just becomes recyclable trash after that.

This is an extremely interesting thought.. also, to answer your question about the magazines

I know this is wholly unoriginal but I'm being completely sincere. You know the magazines he speaks of is Penthouse and Hustler. Considering his age - he jerked off to that shit and was committed in a mental hospital while the internet was being invented - and also, I challenge anyone to think of a magazine that cum tard brain could possibly know? He's spent a bulk of his life as a feral lunatic out in the streets. He's so out of touch I doubt he'd even be able to recognize a magazine like GQ or Sports Illustrated

Also, this is why I'm certain all his phones are full of CP. He's stupid as fuck naturally, but also doesn't understand the seriously illicit nature of these images online and their legal consequences. So in fact, another dumb stroke of luck managing to keep his saggy tits out of prison. If he were somewhat regular member of society with a job, place, internet that's all registered to his name, all his time spent unabashedly looking up CP would've had FBI at his doors

He always mentions that men should call women sweetie and honey, and that he wants women to address him the same way, but the only time I've ever heard Lucas address a woman with these words, it's been negative, patronizing, and nasty. whenever one of the woman in the geek room said something that Lucas didn't like, he immediately followed up his reply with a honey or sweetie. the woman with the glasses was aware of this too, later calling him muffin as a way of putting his patronizing appellation on point. And yet he still insists, but people should refer to each other with these love words. Words that he only uses to demean and patronize.

So to add to this, I remember another time he used a pet name. It was in one of the older videos where he spoke at a dull fatboy squeak and he is addressing a potential queefy bae and a thought from the subconscious slips out, about the possibility of his absolutely inadequate mushroom of a micropeen not being able to please this bae, and immediately he course corrects and goes "I can get dick enhancing pills if it's all that important to you, sugar tits"

It's sometimes really moti inducing to have his screech on and on about how his entire identity is that he is NOT a misogynist because he literally couldn't be more of a caricature of a misogynist. The fat insecure old boomers, all hunched over and unable to have kept up with the progressive speed of the world, who equates degrading females to masculine. Whose immediate instinct is to retaliate only against females whenever he's been pushed around (usually by men, low t autists with shrill voices like his old roommate, Jason Perva)

Anyways, good call out, I think it's important to make note of these things because that spitting screeching pedo psycho acts so consistently like a tard that it's so easy to forget that he's an insidious, calculating predator. In his mind, he has still an archaic algorithm for how men and women work, and he's potentially very dangerous to young girls/little girls

 

[GleamingTheQ-Bert]

Interesting theory.

I have the time to sperg, and so I will sperg.

Spoiler: AARRGGGHH! I'M SPERGING! UNGH!

I don't think Lucas would be opposed to casual, recreational sex with a queefy bae. He would probably be delighted at any puss puss access, however fleeting. And it's true that he's staked his claim on every gen Z girl in Spokane, and seems fixated on "multiple girlfriends" and the cursed flatbills who enjoy them. And yet...

...Lucas is one needy fucker. He wants sex, and he wants to be taken care of. Lucas thinks that sex will prove to the world that he isn't a failure. He will hump, and people will take him seriously and respect him. He will hump, and everything else in his life with fall into place.

Thinking about how Lucas uses metaphors (or figurative language more broadly) is an interesting approach to mocking Lucas, and the comparison of women to reading material is a weird one. Worth exploring. It suggests to me a dude in the laughing academy with a handful of old magazines and battered paperbacks.

Bear in mind Lucas's relationship to reading. He fancies himself a writer. He's the man who wrote Wound. He's talked about how, as an awkward youth, he found "refuge" in books and other media. It seems that, unable to form relationships with living, breathing girls, he connected to fictive ones in his book. And then probably furiously fapped. How does this inform your understanding of his use of metaphor?

Anyway, Lucas's best attested metaphor, is definitely food.

E.g: Lucas maintains that mature gentlemen like him are like cheese, or liquor, which are good things folks like to put in their mouths. Young, virile men are like milk. Butt sex with the Wern is like a full English breakfast. Vanilla, age appropriate sex is like boring breakfast cereal. Age makes certain food items more valuable and enjoyable. Lucas wants you to think of him as one of these food items.

Animals are another metaphor Lucas returns to. He compares himself to a silverback gorilla. He explains politics by referencing monkeys (he means apes, though). He describes his ideal girl as loving like a dog is loving. I think that for Lucas, animals are a stand in for authenticity, as opposed to this phony, hateful world that doesn't appreciate his genius.

Lucas wants to show your butterfly his Reading Rainbow.

But you don't have to take my word for it.

 

[Amewsed]

You are talking about a dude so goddamn dumb he can't even keep a roof over his head.

A FREE goddamn roof.

 

[WonderWino]

This is an extremely interesting thought.. also, to answer your question about the magazines

I know this is wholly unoriginal but I'm being completely sincere. You know the magazines he speaks of is Penthouse and Hustler. Considering his age - he jerked off to that shit and was committed in a mental hospital while the internet was being invented - and also, I challenge anyone to think of a magazine that cum tard brain could possibly know? He's spent a bulk of his life as a feral lunatic out in the streets. He's so out of touch I doubt he'd even be able to recognize a magazine like GQ or Sports Illustrated

Also, this is why I'm certain all his phones are full of CP. He's stupid as fuck naturally, but also doesn't understand the seriously illicit nature of these images online and their legal consequences. So in fact, another dumb stroke of luck managing to keep his saggy tits out of prison. If he were somewhat regular member of society with a job, place, internet that's all registered to his name, all his time spent unabashedly looking up CP would've had FBI at his doors


So to add to this, I remember another time he used a pet name. It was in one of the older videos where he spoke at a dull fatboy squeak and he is addressing a potential queefy bae and a thought from the subconscious slips out, about the possibility of his absolutely inadequate mushroom of a micropeen not being able to please this bae, and immediately he course corrects and goes "I can get dick enhancing pills if it's all that important to you, sugar tits"

It's sometimes really moti inducing to have his screech on and on about how his entire identity is that he is NOT a misogynist because he literally couldn't be more of a caricature of a misogynist. The fat insecure old boomers, all hunched over and unable to have kept up with the progressive speed of the world, who equates degrading females to masculine. Whose immediate instinct is to retaliate only against females whenever he's been pushed around (usually by men, low t autists with shrill voices like his old roommate, Jason Perva)

Anyways, good call out, I think it's important to make note of these things because that spitting screeching pedo psycho acts so consistently like a tard that it's so easy to forget that he's an insidious, calculating predator. In his mind, he has still an archaic algorithm for how men and women work, and he's potentially very dangerous to young girls/little girls

He got committed for the first time (that we know of anyway) in january of 2000. At that point the internet was pretty well known and used. It wasn't the way things were in the early 90s to be sure. Hell The mmo industry had already put out 3 major commercial games at that point - meridian 59, ultima online and everquest. Though lucas doesn't strike me as someone who used it very much at the time, the same way he doesn't use tv much now

As for the phone CP, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he's stupid enough to have a ton of it on his phone at times, but not all the time. But that said its easier to get caught even in his situation than you might think. It would still get IP traced to the phone the same way a computer would at your house. Even if hes using the wifi from some fast food place or whatever, there would be server logs noting the date and time he accessed whatever illegal shit he had and those places would have security cameras they could use to get a picture of him in the building at that time. If he bought a drink or food or whatever using his debit they'd also have his name via the account info. Even if he somehow stayed under the radar and got lucky enough not to get busted that way, his losing phones on a fairly regular basis would get him into serious trouble sooner or later. Even crackheads have a risk of turning in a CP phone if only cause they don't want to get busted with dope and have the cops pat them down and find a CP filled phone and suddenly have them facing 20 years in prison over it, and they couldn't sell it for dope because even a crackhead knows if they sell it the pawn shop owner is going to go through it to make sure there is nothing in it that will get them in shit when they sell it and if they find CP on there they will definitely call the cops as if they get busted with the phone they'll do jail time and lose their business over it. and if its some rando that finds the phone on the street or whatever and goes through it, plenty of them will turn the thing in as well, nobody likes pedos after all. Point being, however the cops manage to get their hands on said phone, lucas's fingerprints would be on it - prints that the cops have from his multitude of arrests and commitments, so they would know who the phone is owned by real quick and be able to tie him to it without him even knowing. Since he's on EBT and a legit tard he's in the welfare system so its easy for the cops to figure out who his case manager is, who would get contacted for his information and before lucas knew it, his case manager/payee would be contacting the local shelter he's at to give lucas the message that he needs to come in and discuss some issue with his EBT card or whatever, and when he gets there he's in for a big surprise and a pair of handcuffs

My point being that if it were always on there, with the frequency of him losing his phone he'd have gotten himself busted one way or another by now

On a related note, its worth mentioning that many places that offer free wifi like mcdonalds and starbucks, also have a system in place that keeps a list of known questionably legal websites, like a dangerous sites listing for antivirus software, that logs any attempt by people using that wifi to access those sites, flags it and automatically sends an automated message to the police with the persons hardware and SIM card details on it, which usually includes the persons name as its linked to a phone account. Its not a widely known thing for obvious reasons, and mainly exists because the assumption is the 'smart' pedos will think its safer to go to coffee shops and such to look up their CP, believing that since its not their own home or internet account that the cops won't be able to find out who they are if any of the sites are honeypots or whatever. Its a pretty brilliant way of catching them when you think about it

 

[wenttobermuda]

Lucas wants to show your butterfly his Reading Rainbow.

But you don't have to take my word for it.

My butterfly sang this to me, audible over the background sarcasm and the wind.

Spoiler: Breeding Hobo

Gen Z baes in Spokane
I wanna be your man
We can't go slow
Don't tell me no
A breeding hobo
I have long telomeres
Is it too soon
to fist your poon?
A breeding hobo
I'm a real macho man
I'm not a wuss
gimme some puss
A breeding hobo

Upon hearing this song, I gnashed my teeth.

 

[AnOminous]

And that the one simple thing Lucas needed to do to keep that roof over his head was shut up and not harass people. It would be a major life change for Lucas to suddenly drop social media.

That's an even better point. He literally had to do nothing to keep his fartbox. All he had to do was not chimp out like a complete fucking retard.

 

[Twrx]

That's an even better point. He literally had to do nothing to keep his fartbox. All he had to do was not chimp out like a complete fucking retard.

What's sad, is Lucas didn't realize how good he had it in a sense, I'm not saying his life is good, but he had a apartment for an insanely cheap rate, and his solitary bill was a cell phone, unless he's on an obama phone plan. All he had to was just shut the fuck up, but he is completely incapable of doing that.

 

[King Daddy Telomerase]

What's sad, is Lucas didn't realize how good he had it in a sense, I'm not saying his life is good, but he had a apartment for an insanely cheap rate, and his solitary bill was a cell phone, unless he's on an obama phone plan. All he had to was just shut the fuck up, but he is completely incapable of doing that.

Powerlevel, but that's the life I have with a near free apartment on autismbux... life can be a hell of a lot worse. Lucas really doesn't appreciate what he's been given, it's the biggest reason I stick with his dumbass as a lolcow.

 

[Rogowski]

That's an even better point. He literally had to do nothing to keep his fartbox. All he had to do was not chimp out like a complete fucking retard.

It’s interesting to note that each time he has ended up homeless all the way to his original homeless stint after his breakup with Susanne; they were completely his fault, they were easily avoidable to the point that he had to go out of his way to get offended, and both were attributed to a massive overreactions to a problem that nobody but Lucas could see.

 

[FloofyBoop]

I'm just throwing this out there, but is it possible Lucas said fuck it and decided to try getting high? He had a lot of money at the beginning of the month. He doesn't have anything to lose.

 

[Josef Mengele]

I'm just throwing this out there, but is it possible Lucas said fuck it and decided to try getting high? He had a lot of money at the beginning of the month. He doesn't have anything to lose.

No way, he likes getting high, but blowing his whole wad on that denies his carnal desire to stuff his face with Clinkerdagger. We all know Lucas prioritizes food over being high, and we all know this faggot would rather spend a week in a motel 6 trying to give himself a heart attack before he would waste funds on other means of pleasure. Now I think the question worth asking is: "Is Lucas getting drunk?" this is a more reasonable expense for the Wern, heck he loses his phone quite often during drunken blackouts. If I were a betting man I would bet he tries to get fed first, motel lodging second, and drunk/high third.

 

[GleamingTheQ-Bert]

No way, he likes getting high, but blowing his whole wad on that denies his carnal desire to stuff his face with Clinkerdagger. We all know Lucas prioritizes food over being high, and we all know this faggot would rather spend a week in a motel 6 trying to give himself a heart attack before he would waste funds on other means of pleasure. Now I think the question worth asking is: "Is Lucas getting drunk?" this is a more reasonable expense for the Wern, heck he loses his phone quite often during drunken blackouts. If I were a betting man I would bet he tries to get fed first, motel lodging second, and drunk/high third.

Also, isn't he still under his LRA?

 

[BowlOfDick]

People are falling into the age-old trap of thinking that an absence of Lucas content = something cool has happened.

He’s lost his phone. I put 50,000 telomeres and a $2m elk inheritance on it.

 

[Poop Shoot]

People are falling into the age-old trap of thinking that an absence of Lucas content = something cool has happened.

He’s lost his phone. I put 50,000 telomeres and a $2m elk inheritance on it.

While I know in my brain you're absolutely right, in my cold little black heart hope springs eternal at the thought of Lucas beat to shit in a ditch somewhere. Probably there after some 15 year old girl's older brother "cock blocked" him.

Or maybe he had a diabetic stroke and lost his entire left side's function.

Or maybe he got robbed of his eatin' out money.

And of course, the men with the butterfly nets.

Can you blame us for a little hope, in a world so utterly bleak right now?

This man's entire existence is a cosmic joke. Never before, anywhere in history, would a man this fucking retarded and predatory be able to survive this goddamn long.

 

[Coach McGuirk]

While I know in my brain you're absolutely right, in my cold little black heart hope springs eternal at the thought of Lucas beat to shit in a ditch somewhere. Probably there after some 15 year old girl's older brother "cock blocked" him.

Or maybe he had a diabetic stroke and lost his entire left side's function.

Or maybe he got robbed of his eatin' out money.

And of course, the men with the butterfly nets.

Can you blame us for a little hope, in a world so utterly bleak right now?

This man's entire existence is a cosmic joke. Never before, anywhere in history, would a man this fucking retarded and predatory be able to survive this goddamn long.

I think Ive said it before, but to me its super poetic that the people "cockblocking and lying about him" on kiwi farms are probably the only people who care about his absence. I doubt his parents care as much as all the Kiwis missing his tard rants.