by finding 17 and 18 year olds on Craigslist and bribing them with weed for sex in hotels
Mike didn't have the cash nor the connects for either weed or hotels. Like i said his dick doesn't really work. also i can tell you're a james fritz era fan because of how you go from 2013 to dean carlson. If Mike fucked a teenager he would have bragged about it all over and in fact he got quite a few "teens" who came to his live shows (at various airbnb venues) who proceeded to call him out for not banging despite him acting like a sexual dude. There were quite a few episodes where mike begs the fans to send him viagra as well because of how useless his dick is. And its a big reason why his girlfriends would cheat on him.
Mike's own history of being a child rape victim is probably another big reason why he full blanket banned even talking to the under 18 (or under 21) after his lawsuit fiascos in 2006. you can talk shit about mike all you want, just be honest about it.
You talk about witty kitty but she was part of the roughly quarter of the fanbase who didn't come back after Mike got booted from the club (which he deserved btw) meaning you clearly stopped listening a long time ago. there's a pretty good shot you never even listened to the Elan story if we're being honest.
Honestly outside of the David Angelo/bridenstein era Mike was completely shit during the james fritz days. Mike never really found his "niche" until he stole NLO's and starting going after other podcasts/comedians.
Mike is such a "penis puppet" type that he reflects his cohosts hard, its why he pretended to be a lady when jules started co hosting and why he was so Sven-esque during the die era.
Mike reflects hard, he did it to literally all the co hosts and then baby dick drew michael too.
I have a couple of theories about Mike.
he's had documented health problems for years and literally had his fans buy him prilosec even when he rarely had enough money to afford food, so it would be absurd for him to fake it, and mike's genuinely not smart enough to keep up a bit for 15 years. He isn't fucking Fez Whatley, who made sure he was sober as a churchmouse while playing his character, Mike was constantly black out drunk and still whining about his health, thats literally daniel day lewis levels of talent.
Mike was complaining about his health even when he was young and wasn't smart enough to realize how much worse it was, Mike had rapid weight fluctuations that were obviously medically bad (and aged him hard) but he didn't realize it. one time losing 17 pounds in 45 days and another time losing 45 pounds in 90 days. To be able to do that while broke and without anything beyond basic exercises you can do in your living room is shocking. Thats the sort of weight loss you see on commercials and people call it unrealistic. Mike also had the ability to out eat his co-hosts who were usually literally twice his size too meaning his stomach must have been completely shit. Mike's creeped out by throw up too so we know he wasn't pulling a katie and barfing it up.
Mike also talked about having problems walking "as far back as i can remember" his foot turns in while he walks and its a big reason he's always sitting. and if he was uncomfortable walking during the literal prime of his life, he probably is using a wheel chair now. Mike never had health insurance and could only afford sketchy doctors so his health problems are probably on par with what you'd find in the average 40 year old back in the 40s.
Mike smoking 2 packs a day from 13 to 30 is a big reason he looks so old, he was already whining about getting greys in 2012 and its a big reason he shaved for so long. If you ever watch older clips its pretty apparent he's weirded out by his aging, its why he has on hats and glasses and hiding while having a camera literally pointed at his fucking face. he won't talk about it in the modern era but he was always a nerdy loser. Mike was more willing to get suspended from school than go to gym class for instance. literally every "girlfriend" he had as an adult came from the internet. he'd have to fly across the country to get his penis touched. he is/was your sterrotypical weaser fanboy. Thats a big reason he goes full BPD chick on his "friends" he doesn't have many/any so he'll act like your perfect match if you bother befriending him. He pulled multiple 180s on james fritz.
The only reason he "fell in love" with kyle lane is because out of everyone that appeared on the show, he was the only one that was willing to go out with him and didn't vanish once the show ended. Bridenstein letting him tagalong during the blerds group stuff is a big reason Mike was obsessed with moving to LA for over a decade. Its weird too because mike had high standards for who he wants as a friend and constantly rejected people that reached out like TimOthy but if you met his qualifications and let him in he'd act like a crazy obsessive girlfriend. Even Kyle Lane said he was the worst ex-girlfriend he ever had (which is telling because he was the northwestern russell brand)
IIRC Mike also would take his brother's sloppy seconds a lot of the time too. thats how pathetic mike was before Sven really helped him become the redbar we all know and love.
when he has to force himself up and into his hypothetical wheelchair.
on a semi-recent episode back during the chicago studio days he literally showed that he was sitting in a wheelchair, this isn't a theory. also his dad aged super quick too, so it shouldn't surprise you that mike did. On the episode Mike's dad appeared on, he doesn't look like he's in his 50s, he looks much older and especially sounds like Tom Bosley on his deathbed. also mike clearly didn't go grey in a year, you clearly have never brought scars ever because you can literally see it get worse and worse month after month.
Its hilarious how many things people say about Mike David can easily be proven by literally just watching episodes instead of clips.
