Operation Chris Eater commences

[CWCissey]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I generally just like reading the hilarity that ensues here, but as an actual criminal defense lawyer (albeit, I am not a member of the Virginia bar), I think I should set the record straight with regard to the probable range of sanctions Chris faces here.

As a rule, the Jerkops (TM) charge the highest possible crime that the facts will possibly support. As they should -- they're there to enforce the law and give the DA every tool at their disposal. That said, a plain reading of § 18.2-312 will show that there is a requirement of "bodily injury," and there is none apparent from watching the video. The felony charge will not stick.

That leaves us with assault. And despite the fact that I don't practice in VA, it is generally unheard of in any jurisdiction in the US for someone without a serious record (and the aftermath of 10/28/11 does not count as a "serious record" here) to do time for an assault that does not result in injury. I hate to ruin everyone's fantasies, but OPL *is* going to "get off lightly" here.

TL;DR: Chris ain't doing time. Aspie lawyer dude says so.

I read this in Bob Odenkirk's voice and I know I'm not the only one.

 

[Sammy]

I read this in Bob Odenkirk's voice and I know I'm not the only one.

Silly Cissey, that's obviously the real Bob Odenkirk.

 

[CWCissey]

Silly Cissey, that's obviously the real Bob Odenkirk.

Bullshit.

It's the real Saul Goodman.

How's things at the Omaha Cinnabon?

 

[Bluce Wee]

Because Chris specifically used the word "appointed", I assumed that he was getting a PD. Guess I was wrong....

Would he care/know about the difference between a hired lawyer and one appointed if Barb is usually the one who has handled that stuff in the past?

 

[Marvin]

Yeah, it's pretty likely he's got a public defender.

 

[KingofManga420]

Pardon the ridiculous question, but who's Cat Party?

Moby

 

[CWCissey]

Moby

And David Bowie in Labyrinth

 

[Count Olaf]

To be continued...

On the next episode of AMC's God and the Bear: The Final Season.

""In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups. The Jerkops who investigate crime and the district MALE idiots who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories."

*Du-duuuun!*

 

[waffle]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I generally just like reading the hilarity that ensues here, but as an actual criminal defense lawyer (albeit, I am not a member of the Virginia bar), I think I should set the record straight with regard to the probable range of sanctions Chris faces here.

As a rule, the Jerkops (TM) charge the highest possible crime that the facts will possibly support. As they should -- they're there to enforce the law and give the DA every tool at their disposal. That said, a plain reading of § 18.2-312 will show that there is a requirement of "bodily injury," and there is none apparent from watching the video. The felony charge will not stick.

That leaves us with assault. And despite the fact that I don't practice in VA, it is generally unheard of in any jurisdiction in the US for someone without a serious record (and the aftermath of 10/28/11 does not count as a "serious record" here) to do time for an assault that does not result in injury. I hate to ruin everyone's fantasies, but OPL *is* going to "get off lightly" here.

TL;DR: Chris ain't doing time. Aspie lawyer dude says so.

The VA courts have ruled in the past that pepper spray and mace count under that law and seem to interpered "bodily injury" pretty loosely.

http://scholar.google.com/scholar_case?case=16409643628312715986&q= § 18.2-312&hl=en&as_sdt=4,47

"`Bodily injury comprehends, it would seem, any bodily hurt whatsoever.'"
http://scholar.google.com/scholar_c...="bodily+injury"+definition&hl=en&as_sdt=4,47

 

[Yukon Cornelius]

Yeah, it's pretty likely he's got a public defender.

Yeah, if the Chandlers actually paid for a lawyer, it would be pretty shocking, even by their standards. Not a cheap get.

 

[Skeletor]

Pardon the ridiculous question, but who's Cat Party?

Cat Party is the Navy SEAL who shot bin Laden.

 

[Phil Collins]

Yeah, if the Chandlers actually paid for a lawyer, it would be pretty shocking, even by their standards. Not a cheap get.

I'm willing to bet on the public defender. Free lawyer, or shilling out thousands of dollars on a private practice lawyer while they're already in a deep hole from Chris' other escapades? I think it's pretty obvious.

 

[Donald Duck]

Where do the Chandlers get the ability to hire their own lawyer? Aren't they supposed to be up to their eyebrows in debt?

Same way they afford anything else anymore, by taking in MORE debt.

Do either you or your source know why Chris has taken to referring to his mom as "Barbara Ann" these days? It's a small thing but still kind of creepy.

Because continuing to call her "mommy" while they spoon is getting incredibly awkward.

...

You may all commence with the horrifying ratings.

 

[ON 190]

Pardon the ridiculous question, but who's Cat Party?

CatParty is all of us, my friend.

 

[Saul Goodman]

The VA courts have ruled in the past that pepper spray and mace count under that law and seem to interpered "bodily injury" pretty loosely.

In the case you cite, the facts were that "Bolton sprayed the manager with a chemical identified as "mace." The substance caused the manager's eyes to burn and water and made the manager cough." 550 S.E.2d 342 at 343 (2001).

And further, "Bolton does not contest that the evidence proved an injury." Id. at 344.

OPL's case can be distinguished by the fact that he didn't get a direct hit, and there clearly was no lasting impact on the Ass Manager (TM).

Also, as a general rule, absent significant real damages (broken bones / anything requiring a hospital visit), I have never seen someone without a serious record doing time for something like this (regardless of what statute it was charged under / what level of offense it was charged as).

A suspended sentence, maybe. Community service. Possibly. An anger management course. Probably. A stern finger-wagging. Definitely.

But no time.

 

[HG 400]

Ban everyone but Rammspeiler from this thread, ugh, jfc you guys are spergs. Twenty pages of nothing.

 

[CWCissey]

Ban everyone but Rammspeiler from this thread, ugh, jfc you guys are spergs. Twenty pages of nothing.

Welcome to the CWCki!

Now, just how spicy are McDonald's Mighty Wings?

 

[Honeyrabbit]

Twenty pages of nothing.

The entire Discussion forum is built on nothing. It's based on discussing a fat autistic man on welfare who was well known on the Internet six years ago because he believed everything that everyone ever said to him. Basically, spergs gonna sperg.

 

[waffle]

Second case says that bodily injury covers literally any bodily pain. I'm not saying that he's going to the slammer. I'm a lawyer too though, and while I don't practice in VA I think around here they would at least make him do a weekend of shock time in county. That's barring his status as half a retard though which makes things more difficult to perdict. Mostly, I disagree that the higher charges will get dismissed, I think the judge will just use his discretion to give a lesser sentence or Chris will get talked in to pleading it down.

 

[TL 611]

Ban everyone but Rammspeiler from this thread, ugh, jfc you guys are spergs. Twenty pages of nothing.

Preach it Dyn, Jesus I thought there had been updates.