Right then. Let's continue to look into the unmedicated untreated diseased mind that Bob refuses to get looked at. As he demands people get their shots like the fucking idiot hypocrite he is.
Here's some more lesser Kino Roberto moments in the book:
Nike essentially started a race war among my sports-fan friends by selling “The Magic Shoe” and “The Bird Shoe” concurrently at the height of the Celtics/Lakers rivalry.
Bob on Nike causing the Helter Skelter with Negative Advertising.
That segment's actually kind of funny in general, since he pretends he understands the bullshit that is opposition marketing, where you set an Us v. Them brand mentality. Still falls for it every single time, ever since he was a mentally feeble 10 year old with several personality disorders.
As the new decade dawned, Nintendo had released the Super Nintendo Entertainment System (I got mine for making it out of the Fifth Grade without a single grade below a “C” – ah! the triumph of lowered expectations!)
Here's "Bookish" Bob admitting he only ever bothers to learn with an external rewards system. Mommy had to bribe him with a SNES to actually try and learn hard concepts like adjectives, particles, and orders of operations with fractions.
Such thunk, much wow.
I still insisted on calling it “Super Mario Bros. 4: Super Mario World” until “Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island” ended my hopes of seeing the series numbers climb into the double digits.
Here's Bob on his autistic fascination on watching numbers go up. Reminder that half the reason so many games and comics try and remove numbers now is because high numbers turn off interest from newbies or people who missed a few issues or games.
Bob is just the type of desperate to claim prestige faggot that he wants to be gratified by screaming "I BEEN HERE SINCE FIRST BING BING WAHOO".
I knew almost immediately that SMB3’s by then ironclad stature as my favorite game of all time was in no danger of being challenged. The Cape wasn’t as cool as The Tail, and I missed all the fun power-up suits.
Here's Bob on explaining why Super Mario World didn't make him have a religious experience like the earlier Bing Bing Wahoo games. It's probably because he didn't get to watch a giant commercial for it like the Wizard or because he didn't get it first so he can brag and talk about it.
I very much suspect the only reason 3 is his favorite now, besides his younger years being less miserable, is because of those elements.
Moving o- HAHAHAHAHA
Mario and Nintendo were the acknowledged kings of video games, and Bob Chipman—formerly Bob The Dork Who’s Way Too Into His Dorky Video Games—was now Bob The Guy Who Knows Everything About The World’s Hottest ‘New’ Pass Time.
Look at this.
Fucking look at this and laugh. I actually forgot he said something this fucking pathetic and I read this last night. I think this got brought up, but now you really know why this faggot loved Mario 3 so much. It was the imaginary clout he had in his unmedicated and untreated little mind. He used these toys and books to try and ingratiate himself into other friend groups rather than develop a real personality besides "repulsive".
Also, since he likes to do this: it's pronounced pastime Bob.
Pathetic fantasies, even for a ten year-old, but that’s really how I figured things were going. Hell, maybe that’s how they were for just a moment.
But that moment – my moment – didn’t last.
He is at least somewhat aware, but you can tell he to this day doesn't understand why he became an alcoholic loser with a low IQ living with his family.
He then gets pissy about SEGA and tries to really downsell them compared to Nintendo, despite the fact that they actually were the only other major console maker out there barring one shot attempts. Bob's still mad.
The Sega Corporation had always existed as Nintendo’s principal U.S. rival. Others had come and gone (for a minute there we were all excited about the Turbo Grafx 16 – ask your parents how that worked out), but they were the constant; not so much a Pepsi as a “Brand X” with a small but loyal following.
Up to the point he labels them Brand X. If anything they're the Pepsi to Nintendo's coke.
It was, I realize now, a brilliant strategy: while games had never been bigger, the generation of kids who’d made them big—my generation—were aging into double digits and soon their teens, where the pressure to cast aside childish things could’ve spelled doom the medium.
Bob on aggressive and insulting advertising being called brilliant. I guess that's why he shills so hard for products that do that out of desperation now.
Also some nice insecurity elements in that screed.
In playgrounds and schoolyards across the country, young gamers chose sides and memorized their “talking points” - for a while there, I was able to rattle off the exact numerical superiority of the SNES’s onscreen color palette and the advantages of Mode 7 scaling and rotation capabilities.
Bob again believing that everyone else in the world is as obsessive, delusional, and mentally unstable as himself. No normal kid fucking memorizes talking points for their preferred machine designed for children.
He then complains about how SEGA sold itself as a brand, making Nintendo not look cool, completely ignoring that they also shilled a lot of games on commercials too.
Just like that, my life was the ending of a downer “Twilight Zone” episode: video games were “in”… and I was still “out” for a brand new reason.
It culminates in this sob fest.
Bobby's quite mad that he didn't "stay popular". It's again a case where his weird antisocial aggressive bullshit is the cause of his pain, and he doesn't get it at all.
Besides, I was Team Mario. Sega wasn’t just his enemy, it was mine too. To a 12 year-old, that made sense.
Bob pre-emptively channels a Twilight Fangirl about 15 years too early.
Bob then shifts tone into writing almost like an underdog story, talking about how the changing landscape makes Mario "a bygone hero from a bygone age". He also again shows signs of getting mad Sonic got a really good cartoon while Mario's Super Mario World one sucked.
Unless, of course, he could be the one who conquered the one height of mainstream success that no other game hero had successfully surmounted: Hollywood.
Aaaand now I think I see at least some of the reason why Bobby gets so angry whenever the Sonic movie gets brought up. Mario becoming irrelevant compared to gaming in general really broke him, since he basically pins himself to the character, just like he does with Gunn.
What I'm trying to say is Bob's fucking nuts and tbh Ritalin probably would've helped. He also has shit taste given how for a "thinker" who loves mascot platformers, sci-fi and fantasy, he definitely said this:
Even though they were still mostly pumping out the same animal mascot, anime-styled adventure and scifi/fantasy curios
So it's only stupid if SEGA makes these things.
So he then does a bootleg wikipedia style article on the Super Mario Bros movie, and makes a potshot at Johnny Mnemnonic despite that actually being a good film barring the bad CGI.
So anyways, it's been a while since Bob went Yandere, don't worry check this out:
When I first read an “official” confirmation of an honest-to-goodness Mario Movie in the pages of “Mario Mania” - an SMW strategy guide from Nintendo Power that included a 32-page character retrospective which I re-read often enough to qualify it as an unofficial precursor to this book – all I could feel was excitement. Finally!
These are the words of a serial killer.
That there would one day be a live-action Mario movie had been a dream and an inevitability as long as I could remember. He-Man had a movie. Superman and Batman both had movies. Hell, Teddy Ruxpin had a live-action movie! Great things got movies, Mario was the greatest thing, so Mario would get a movie, and I’d get to see the Mushroom Kingdom looking as grand and astonishing as I’d always imagined it. So when I read this official announcement from Nintendo Power—surely the only trustworthy source on such matters—I was elated not so much by discovery as by nearness: I was already waiting, and now my wait was almost over.
Like, I'm not fucking with you Bob comes off as a serial killer with a manifesto.
These are the words of a man about to take his rifle and start shooting people. Eminem wrote Stan thinking of people like Bob.
So Bob really goes into the psychotic hype he had about, in his own words, "The Most Important Movie Of All Time".
But that was okay. I knew Mario, and I’d grown up in the golden age of fantasy movies, so I knew what this movie of my dreams had to look like: a sprawling, colorful Mushroom Kingdom; Bowser’s Domain, all fire and brimstone; Mario and Luigi in their overalls and caps, charging through forests and tundra fighting live-action versions of the classic enemies; a beautiful flesh-and-blood Princess Toadstool (it would be another few years before Americans knew her real name was “Peach”); Toad… probably some kind of Jim Henson creation, or perhaps a little person in prosthetic makeup?
I pretty much don't have to say anything at all when showing these to you.
I guess I can break up the serial killer ramblings by making a joke about how Bob was such a pathetic autist that he mused for months as a child how the Koopas would look and be done in a movie, going between henson muppet to TMNT rubber suit. He eventually leans on the latter for the fight scenes.
He also almost drove himself batty musing over what powerups would appear.
Then as more details came out:
It took over a year to see or hear anything else from it, and every tiny scrap of information that could be gleaned was less promising than the last… and only served to push me to further denial:
Yeah, he went full "LALALA CAN'T HEAR YOU" on this movie.
This is the Mario Movie, and the Mario Movie will be great because it deserves to be – why would they make it if they didn’t understand that?”
Bob on the Mario Movie. He probably has this opinion for the Minions company version too.
I convinced myself, in spite of the natural inclination toward skepticism that infused every other aspect of my life, that this was going to work.
Hahaha... oh wait, he's serious about being skeptical.
Bob, being a pissy child with untreated ODD and a random personality disorder doesn't make you skeptical; it makes you mentally ill.
It had to be. It just had to be. That’s what I told myself as a friend and I headed in to watch it opening weekend… somehow managing to not register that neither the celebratory atmosphere that had surrounded “The Wizard” nor the large crowds for the same were decidedly not present. How could I notice anyone or anything else in the world that day? I was going to see the Mario Movie!
I was going to see “Super Mario Bros: The Movie!”
Some more yandere tendencies from Bobert as he tries to attribute an atmosphere post the event.
Naturally, I convinced myself that it was good.
Not only good, but great. I reviewed it, positively, in much greater detail and to much more positivity than it deserved for the school paper. I zeroed-in on the good stuff: they (eventually) wore the right colors! Live-action Yoshi! That dinosaur-humanoid evolution business was kind of interesting... wasn’t it?? There was a Bob-Omb! The ending promised a sequel, but I didn’t wait around: I made my own (animated via D-Paint on my old Amiga), imagining how the plots of SMB2 and SMB3 might be adapted into the movie’s universe.
Here's Bob full on admitting he shat up the school newspaper with his review of the movie because he was that desperate to lie to himself about the quality. It's actually amazing he wasn't beaten with rulers since I almost certainly bet that the Mario Movie wasn't the topic he was supposed to write about.
I needed it to be good, because I needed Mario to be as big and meaningful a movie franchise as he’d been in gaming. Getting a “The Movie” was forever, it meant that the character and the story mattered beyond being some brief fad. Mario was not a Pet Rock, damn it - he was my friend, the thing that was getting me through the misery of pre-adolescence. I needed him to matter so that the time and energy I’d invested into him mattered.
Aaaand I think this is a pretty meme to end on.
Seriously, fucking look at this. Every mental malformation you see in Bob now was there since he was a small child. Look at this. Look at it and laugh.
