I Was Outed as Trans at Work, Twice
Your story should never be someone else's to tell.
About three years ago, my life was extremely different. I had just been promoted at work and was now the manager of my own watch repair kiosk inside a very large department store in the centre of Liverpool.
More importantly, I had been on prescribed testosterone for roughly six months at this point, starting my journey as a transgender man. Life was going great.
I was nervous to start this new position as I had never had the belief in myself to manage a whole team before, albeit a small one of four. But the new me, the true me, had a new outlook, and my confidence was growing.
A couple of months before I accepted this new managerial role, I was covering a colleague's holiday at another branch for a week, and I worked alongside a new starter, Sarah, who was in her second week with the company.
She seemed nice and was already getting on great with her job, which made my job easier, training her.
The first day I met her, after we had been chatting for a couple of hours, she turned to me and said:
"Do you mind if I ask you something?"
"Not at all"
"I noticed that the last customer misgendered you"
"Hmm"
As I was only a few short months on T, this was still happening. I didn't particularly look feminine, I never have done, but my damn voice was still quite high. And of course, at this point, my face was beardless.
She continued:
"Are you transgender?"
I felt a little uncomfortable as this was the first time anyone had asked me this. I hadn't thought about how I would answer if this question ever came up. Looking back, I wish I had. I must have looked like a rabbit in the headlights.
"Sorry! It's none of my business. If you are, it's totally cool by the way"
"I am, yeah"
"Oh wow! Awesome! How long, if you don't mind me asking?"
"No, I don't mind. About 6 months on testosterone"
"Only 6 months? Wow, you look great!"
A New Friendship
It was really nice working with Sarah for that week; she was generally interested in finding out about my transition and my journey so far. I told her about my wife and me, how we met, etc, and she told me about her daughter and partner.
She actually joined the company after applying for a jewellery maker apprentice position, but they weren't ready for her to start yet, so she is just learning the branch role until then. We swapped phone numbers on the second day, as I was her manager essentially that week, but it was also nice to keep in touch.
Sarah messaged me about two weeks later to say she was working in the Liverpool branch full time until her apprenticeship started in three weeks, and the team all seemed lovely. Coincidentally, about a week later, this is when I was offered the manager position of this branch, which I accepted. I was to start in a month.
My New Role
I threw myself into my new role, and I was out to impress. Sales were down at the Liverpool branch, and I had many ideas to turn this around.
The first thing I did was have a one-to-one meeting with each team member to introduce myself and get to know them. They were all very nice, but I could see that they had had no leadership for many months.
I implemented many changes, some the team loved and some they were less enthusiastic about. But they worked; the sales figures proved that, so that's all that mattered. I was a fair boss and also took on their ideas and listened to them. I felt it was running smoothly.
I had to commute by train from where I lived to Liverpool; it was easier than driving, as the parking in the city is crazy expensive. This took about 40 minutes, so it wasn't too bad; however, if you are familiar with UK transport, you will know how much they love to go on strike!
My third week in, and the train strikes were announced. I couldn't work the rota around them, so I wasn't able to get into work. I spoke to my area manager, with whom I was quite friendly, and she put me on a shift covering the branch I used to work at before I was promoted. My old manager was off sick.
I was working with a girl called Hannah, my replacement. I was in first and had begun to open up the kiosk, she was late, awesome start!
She walked in and, without hesitation, threw her arms around me (eww) and said:
"You must be C.J.? I'm Hannah. I hear you're transgender, that's so cool! I'm a lesbian!"
To say I was shocked and very pissed off is an understatement. So I may have come across slightly hostile:
"Yeah, who the hell told you I'm trans?!"
"Oh. Jenny did. It's cool though"
"No. It's Not! It's not her business to tell anyone about me"
Jenny is my previous boss, so Hannah's new boss. Why she told her, I have no idea! But I was fuming!
Hannah carried on for the next couple of hours, trying to ask me loads of questions about being transgender. In the end, I had to get forceful and tell her to stop, and if she didn't, I would have to report her. Needless to say, it was the longest shift of my life.
I didn't say anything to Jenny, we had barely spoken since I got my new role, and I just wanted to move on and get back to my branch.
Episode Two
A few days later, it was quiet in Liverpool, so one of the staff members and I were chatting. She was telling me how she was getting excited to be her aunt's bridesmaid, as this would be the first time she had done it. Without thinking, I blurted out, "Oh, you will love it. I've done it three times".
Shit.
As soon as the words came out, I wanted to run away. Maybe she hadn't heard.I looked at her, and she was smiling at me.
"It's okay, I know you're trans"
"Really? How? Can you tell"
"No! Sarah told us when she was working here."
What the fuck!!! So everyone knows.
I wasn't going to let this one slide, why should I?
I Made It Official
I rang my area manager and told her everything that had happened, here in Liverpool and with Hannah and Jenny at my old branch.
My area manager knew about my transition as I had to change all my details with the company, she was so supportive, so I knew I could trust her. She was just as angry and surprised by it all as me. Well, maybe not quite as angry.
She assured me that this would all be handled officially by HR, and I had done the right thing telling her.
By this time, I was really quite upset. I felt betrayed. I just didn't understand why either of them had said anything and told anyone. I had made it clear to them that I didn't want it shouted around. I'm in no way ashamed of who I am, but it's also no one else's place to tell.
The next day, I got a phone call from Jenny. She was very apologetic and said she didn't mean anything by it. She said she knew she was in the wrong, but when Hannah told her she was a lesbian, she just let it slip that I was "one of her kind" by being trans.
I expressed to her how much it angered me, and that she should never out someone, and I hope she learns from this.
We left it at that.
When I got a call from Sarah, just seeing her name on my phone screen pissed me off, so I knew I had to take a couple of deep breaths. Again, she started by saying how sorry she was, blah blah. She didn't mean anything by it.
When I asked her why, she told my team she couldn't really give an answer, she just said she told them because she knew. To me, that just says she likes to gossip. Not good enough.
I let rip a bit. I explained to her, like I did with Jenny, that it's never her place to out a person, ever! And this situation is even worse. I'm in a completely different work space, with people I have never met before. I'm also having to use the male changing room. What if someone who "doesn't agree" with the way I live my life had found out and decided to take matters into their own hands one day in said bathroom? Or walking to the train station. My life could literally be in danger.
She was silent for a few moments.
She acknowledged that she hadn't even thought of that.
Exactly.
Your gossip can risk someone's life.
I'm glad to say that both Jenny and Sarah were given official warnings for what they did. I know not all companies take complaints like this seriously, but they should!
It's Never Okay To Out Someone.
Take Care,
C.J.
