What if DSP actually opened an authentic Italian restaurant? - All your Phil, are belong to Ramsay.

[BallBuster]

We all know he can’t cook. But I’m surprised no one has even brought up the hardest part of running a restaurant and that’s the book keeping. Payroll, suppliers, deliveries, creating food routines for all your perishables, acquiring the proper hardware for your kitchen, maintaining and cleaning it daily, training.

Cooking is only like 1/4 of what it takes to run a restaurant.

 

[JackDavis]

We all know he can’t cook. But I’m surprised no one has even brought up the hardest part of running a restaurant and that’s the book keeping. Payroll, suppliers, deliveries, creating food routines for all your perishables, acquiring the proper hardware for your kitchen, maintaining and cleaning it daily, training.

Cooking is only like 1/4 of what it takes to run a restaurant.

He has a business degree, he should be great with finances.

 

[Pargon]

We all know he can’t cook. But I’m surprised no one has even brought up the hardest part of running a restaurant and that’s the book keeping. Payroll, suppliers, deliveries, creating food routines for all your perishables, acquiring the proper hardware for your kitchen, maintaining and cleaning it daily, training.

Cooking is only like 1/4 of what it takes to run a restaurant.

Don't forget all that fun dealing with state and local bureaucracy! Inspections, licenses, and additional taxes. All FUKKEN BULLSHIT, DOOD.

 

[BallBuster]

He has a business degree, he should be great with finances.

This is a straight management. Book keeping requires a very organized person to stay on top of everything.

Also the first time he misses a payment, a distributer would drop him instantly. First time he misses payroll, his employees would leave him. Everything in his life leaves him. He’s doomed to be a lonely faggot the rest of his life. A pet horse who probably neighs at him a handful of times a week doesn’t count.

 

[Martys_not_smarty]

You don't know what you're talking about, I'M Italian so I know how this works. Just because you're a professional chef doesn't mean you know how AUTHENTIC Italian food is made back in Italy!

Now I known I've heard that defense before but where? Oh yeah that's the old "that wasn't real socialism" line.

 

[TheyCallItNPD]

I'd love to check out Phillipo Burnelli's Authentic Italian Restaurant. You're sat there "enjoying" your meal, and then the restaurant owner, Phillipo Burnelli himself, waddles out onto the restaurant floor and declares loudly, "OH MY GHAAD, SO MANY STUPID MORONS DINING IN HERE TONIGHT, ack ack ack."

He looks around at the indifferent patrons and shouts: "UUHM, just an idea, you came here to talk about MY food and pay attention to ME, not to just talk amongst yourselves like I'm not even here. Just a suggestion, huhuhuh."

He then goes to the nearest table where a family of four are half way through their meal, grabs a seat for himself and spends 20 minutes telling them: "It's not my fault that the restaurant down the street gets better ingredients from the supplier. I did nothing wrong. I did everything correct. It's just that the food suppliers are dumbfuck morons who don't have any street smarts, and the other restaurant sucked the suppliers dick to get fresher ingredients before me. Nothing I could do."

Burnelli then makes sure everyone knows: "The best way to leave a tip is with Visa, okaay, because that goes directly into my bank account and I have bills that are going to make me overdrawn tomorrow. So, uhhh, please consider tipping generously."

 

[The tired cat]

I'd love to check out Phillipo Burnelli's Authentic Italian Restaurant. You're sat there "enjoying" your meal, and then the restaurant owner, Phillipo Burnelli himself, waddles out onto the restaurant floor and declares loudly, "OH MY GHAAD, SO MANY STUPID MORONS DINING IN HERE TONIGHT, ack ack ack."

He looks around at the indifferent patrons and shouts: "UUHM, just an idea, you came here to talk about MY food and pay attention to ME, not to just talk amongst yourselves like I'm not even here. Just a suggestion, huhuhuh."

He then goes to the nearest table where a family of four are half way through their meal, grabs a seat for himself and spends 20 minutes telling them: "It's not my fault that the restaurant down the street gets better ingredients from the supplier. I did nothing wrong. I did everything correct. It's just that the food suppliers are dumbfuck morons who don't have any street smarts, and the other restaurant sucked the suppliers dick to get fresher ingredients before me. Nothing I could do."

Burnelli then makes sure everyone knows: "The best way to leave a tip is with Visa, okaay, because that goes directly into my bank account and I have bills that are going to make me overdrawn tomorrow. So, uhhh, please consider tipping generously."

An now I imagine that one of the family's would belong to the mob and the next day Phill would see a pair of huge mofos armed with a soldering iron for his fat ass while another one carrying a big baseball bat.

 

[Kosher Dill]

OK guys, real talk. The health inspector shut me down and I can't start serving food until I comply with EVERY ONE of his piss-ant rules. Fuckin' ridiculous. But I STILL NEED YOUR HELP! The best way you can help me TODAY is to come in, buy my official Burnelli's coffee mugs, and tip me. Cash tips are money I get TODAY to pay my bills.
Seriously though, Connecticut is shooting itself in the foot with all these "health regulations", can you believe they're actually paying for some faggot to come in here with a thermometer and MEASURE the food? And then they want to come back into the kitchen and, like, examine the fridge or whatever. No! This is my land, and what I say goes! If you want some sort of mass-produced sterilized food, go to Starbucks, like Kat - well, never mind. Oh look, a troll tip from "EColiInUrSalad". Ha ha ha, that's SO funny, Phil got E. coli earlier this year and shared his story with you, let's make it into a joke! I'm just going to BAN.

 

[thebonesauce]

I'd love to check out Phillipo Burnelli's Authentic Italian Restaurant. You're sat there "enjoying" your meal, and then the restaurant owner, Phillipo Burnelli himself, waddles out onto the restaurant floor and declares loudly, "OH MY GHAAD, SO MANY STUPID MORONS DINING IN HERE TONIGHT, ack ack ack."

He looks around at the indifferent patrons and shouts: "UUHM, just an idea, you came here to talk about MY food and pay attention to ME, not to just talk amongst yourselves like I'm not even here. Just a suggestion, huhuhuh."

He then goes to the nearest table where a family of four are half way through their meal, grabs a seat for himself and spends 20 minutes telling them: "It's not my fault that the restaurant down the street gets better ingredients from the supplier. I did nothing wrong. I did everything correct. It's just that the food suppliers are dumbfuck morons who don't have any street smarts, and the other restaurant sucked the suppliers dick to get fresher ingredients before me. Nothing I could do."

Burnelli then makes sure everyone knows: "The best way to leave a tip is with Visa, okaay, because that goes directly into my bank account and I have bills that are going to make me overdrawn tomorrow. So, uhhh, please consider tipping generously."

That’s giving him far too much credit... Dark has no fuckin restraint. It would be round the clock, table to table, begging.

“Look I know you’re not enjoying the sauce... Well, that’s because you’re an uninformed moron. You only took one bite, you have to take at LEAST five bites to properly judge it! You shill! ...Now with that in mind, I just wanna give you a little background on my current tax situation...”

 

[Wurstbrot]

I'd love to check out Phillipo Burnelli's Authentic Italian Restaurant. You're sat there "enjoying" your meal, and then the restaurant owner, Phillipo Burnelli himself, waddles out onto the restaurant floor and declares loudly, "OH MY GHAAD, SO MANY STUPID MORONS DINING IN HERE TONIGHT, ack ack ack."

He looks around at the indifferent patrons and shouts: "UUHM, just an idea, you came here to talk about MY food and pay attention to ME, not to just talk amongst yourselves like I'm not even here. Just a suggestion, huhuhuh."

He then goes to the nearest table where a family of four are half way through their meal, grabs a seat for himself and spends 20 minutes telling them: "It's not my fault that the restaurant down the street gets better ingredients from the supplier. I did nothing wrong. I did everything correct. It's just that the food suppliers are dumbfuck morons who don't have any street smarts, and the other restaurant sucked the suppliers dick to get fresher ingredients before me. Nothing I could do."

Burnelli then makes sure everyone knows: "The best way to leave a tip is with Visa, okaay, because that goes directly into my bank account and I have bills that are going to make me overdrawn tomorrow. So, uhhh, please consider tipping generously."

What then follows is mouth to mouth propaganda, you shouldn't go to Burnellis, the boss is a giant ass and ruins the whole experience. Everyone starts to make fun of Philippo, people stand in front of the restaurant and laugh as soon as they see him. Others go in and tip extra just to experience this unbelievable service, tell him they really love this restaurant veeeeery obviously ironically, while Philippo rants about those mentally ill guests who spread false and outdated information from yesterday. Snort.

 

[ZehnBoat]

What then follows is mouth to mouth propaganda, you shouldn't go to Burnellis, the boss is a giant ass and ruins the whole experience. Everyone starts to make fun of Philippo, people stand in front of the restaurant and laugh as soon as they see him. Others go in and tip extra just to experience this unbelievable service, tell him they really love this restaurant veeeeery obviously ironically, while Philippo rants about those mentally ill guests who spread false and outdated information from yesterday. Snort.

"Why do you eat there? You know it makes you sick!"
"I GOT AN IDEA FOR EPIC TROLLING!!!"
"Why not just watch the live feed at Tervino's?"
"MY IDEA WILL GET HIM ANGRY THIS TIME FOR SURE!!!"

 

[The tired cat]

"Why do you eat there? You know it makes you sick!"
"I GOT AN IDEA FOR EPIC TROLLING!!!"
"Why not just watch the live feed at Tervino's?"
"MY IDEA WILL GET HIM ANGRY THIS TIME FOR SURE!!!"

"So, how did the trolling go?"
"I PAID HIM 250$ AND MADE AN ORDER FOR A GUY NAMED "POOPY HEAD PHILL!" HE GOT MAD AND KICKED ME OUT!"
"So, you wasted 250$ just for a name and didn't even get food?"
"YEAH! I'M GONNA GO BACK TOMORROW AND GET HIM WITH ANOTHER NAME!"

 

[der rademacher]

All this talk about Phil the restaurant owner giving his guests his typical stream talk antics sounds amusing, but we all know how this would play out. Heck, he would even break down in tears if one of his customers would go so far as to only glace harshly at him. Even if he'd ever muster the courage (spoiler: he wouldn't) to start shit talking them, he'd get a fat lip within no time, as not everybody is such a spineless chickenwuss like loveseat Dave. Real talk.

 

[Asperchewy]

Since the main thread gets bogged down with questions and shit about Phils past rants about wanting to own his very own Italian restaurant, I figured I'd start this thread for discussion.

This thread is separate from the Cooking with Kat and DSP thread:
https://kiwifarms.net/threads/cooking-with-kat-and-dsp-thread.39949/

Because, this is clearly another Phil Burnell fantasy that will never come to fruition.

 

[ZehnBoat]

All this talk about Phil the restaurant owner giving his guests his typical stream talk antics sounds amusing, but we all know how this would play out. Heck, he would even break down in tears if one of his customers would go so far as to only glace harshly at him. Even if he'd ever muster the courage (spoiler: he wouldn't) to start shit talking them, he'd get a fat lip within no time, as not everybody is such a spineless chickenwuss like loveseat Dave. Real talk.

tbh, phil would spend 90% of his time hiding in his office, only coming out to scurry around and steal some tips. He'd arrive an hour late, but leave on the clock. He would never check the kitchen or talk to the staff unless he needed too. And maybe once a week bitch at the staff about his bills and DEPRESSION, announce that he's giving cuts to staff salary, then waddles into his office to look at his 200 statues and play on his PS4.

edit: oh there's a thread.. hope this post gets moved too

 

[ZB 584]

There would be a considerable spike in diabetes II diagnoses in the Renton, WA area.

 

[Noob-Noob]

All this talk about Phil the restaurant owner giving his guests his typical stream talk antics sounds amusing, but we all know how this would play out. Heck, he would even break down in tears if one of his customers would go so far as to only glace harshly at him.

We all know that the only reason Phil talks shit on everyone and everything, at every possible moment, is that he knows he's safe in his "gated" community bunker that's apparently ILLEGAL to even look at the wrong way. His artificial "e-spine" only exists for the purpose of trying to elicit a response from his target/targets to spark drama, then to use that negative attention to create pity for himself.

Phillipo Burnelli wouldn't last a week irl with his twitter attitude. He'd be sleeping with the fishes, before his restaurant's first Sunday even came.

 

[Here Comes Mongo]

I can only imagine if a customer asked to see the manager after getting their pasta undercooked with burnt meatballs, and DSP walks out from the kitchen area, gasping for breath, chewing loudly, and a bit of authentic Italian sauce on his chin.

"Bugged penne mechanics! Nothing I could do dood! Chat didn't tell me the correct solution! Woooooow. It's Tevin's fault!" Then proceeds to talk shit about the customer after they leave, completely oblivious to the fact that he's still in the middle of the restaurant where all the customers are and they hear every word.

The restaurant goes out of business after less than a month, and Phil spins it as "duh detractors out to ruin me."

But we know this is purely fantasy....Phil has a crippling phobia of uncontrolled face-to-face human interaction, so there would be no way in hell he would be able to manage a restaurant.

 

[ReentryPhantom]

All the speculation about what DSP would do while interacting with the general public I tend to disagree with. I don't think the DSP online would be the same DSP in public. I bet he'd be a little bitch if someone yelled at him about something

 

[Sparkletor]

I actually worked at a fake Italian restaurant owned by a fake narcissistic Italian man with a goatee.

If there is interest, I have a few stories to tell, but it is not DSP related so let me know if it would be of interest to post them.