"Get away from that damn... TV!"
Bob angrily glared at a naked Chris, who was in their kitchen furiously mass debating with the troll who would later be known as Blue Spike. Unbeknown to Chris, Bob had been rudely awakened in the middle of the night by trolls frantically calling his home saying his beloved son was going to kill himself. This of course was a lie to coax Bob downstairs to see the horrible sight of Chris sitting alone in a dark kitchen whose dirty dishes were piled to the ceiling by his aging hoarder of a mother.
"Get away from the Internet. I'm cutting it down right now!"
"No dad!" Chris pleaded. "I love her! I love my Julay!"
Bob had meant his previous words as an empty threat. But something about Chris's tone gave Bob a sense of clarity he never felt before when dealing with his autistic son. He walked over to the computer monitor and gave it a hard shove off the table. Both the occupants of the kitchen expected it to crash into a broken mess of glass and circuitry. But it fell into a pile of hoarded crap instead.
"Go wake your mother up!" Bob demanded. "You tell her what's going on here!"
Little did Chris or Bob know that the computer was still running. The audio which would later be infamously known as Bob Walks In was still being recorded. But in this what if scenario, it would be several days until anyone heard a peep from Chris again. The Internet knew that something was terribly wrong at 14 Branch Land Ct.
The Internet had finally heard from Chris when he posted the following from his Myspace page roughly two weeks later.
I am miserable and heartbroken. I haven't been able to access the Playstation Network. I haven't been able to fight the damn slanderous mockery that gets posted about me on that damn Encyclopedia Dramatica page. And worst of all, my beloved Julie is at the mercy of her demented brother Max and it has shattered my heart. I can't do anything to help her because my father cancelled our internet subscription. I HAVE NO MORE FREAKING INTERNET! I would greatly appreciate it if the true and loyal fans of Sonichu would call my father and ask him to give me my internet back so I can continue to upload pages to the Sonichu website. But if you are a troll, please BACK THE HECK OFF!
Sincerely signed, Christian Weston Chandler.
This plea for help went about as smoothly as anyone reading this post would have expected. People did indeed call the Chandler residence. But most of them simply screamed "JULAY!" into the phone. The ones who did call to convince Bob to restore Chris's Internet privileges could do little to change the mind of the Korean War vet who had spent the vast majority of his life functioning perfectly fine without the Internet. Chris was therefore forced to make frequent trips to his local library to upload pages of his comic as well as upload his Youtube videos.
Little did he know that this would take him down a very dark path.
That first step down the path involved him breathing a sigh of relief. He knew he had to keep his voice down because he was in a public library with people around him using their respective computers. But deep down, he wanted to jump for joy. It was here he found an email from his beloved Julie informing him that she was okay. But his elation didn't last long. He read her words describing how she lived in constant fear of her 13 year old brother. It ended with her saying "I wish you were here in Ohio. Then maybe we could... you know..."
Chris immediately replied. He thanked her for her kind words before going on a tirade about how his father was being as mean and cruel as those Internet trolls. He ended the email by saying "I only wish I wasn't stuck in this stupid library. If only I had a quieter place then maybe we could... you know..."
The reply Chris received a scant minute later sent his heart racing. "Why don't you rent a laptop and find some part of the library where nobody's looking. Then maybe we could... you know..."
Chris sprang into action. He hurriedly walked to the front desk where he asked to rent a laptop. Upon receiving one, he ran towards the bathroom and found an empty stall. He locked the door behind him and hopped into a chatroom. The laptop's built in microphone began recording, immortalizing what would become one of his most infamous moments.
"Hey Julie!" Chris ecstatically said. "I can't be too loud. I'm in the bathroom."
Julie ignored Chris's predicament and instead began pushing his buttons. Chris responded by standing up from his porcelain throne and unbuttoning his jeans. He slid them, along with his dirty crapped briefs, down his legs before taking his seat again. Soon the sounds of flesh slapping against flesh filled the stall. "Hmm, yeah!" Chris exclaimed, quickly forgetting his need to stay silent. "Oh yeah... mmm yeah... Oh Julie... You're so... Yeah... Yeah..."
"JULAY!"
Suddenly the eyes of every library patron turned towards the bathroom. They didn't know what was going on, only that they probably didn't want to know.
"JULAY!"
As far as Chris was concerned, he was on top of the world. His heart level was at 100% while he was cybering with the love of his life. The only thing that could make this moment better was if he was in Ohio with his beloved Julie. But for now, nothing else mattered. Not the trolls, not ED, not the trauma of the Lumberjack cutting his Internet down, not even the world outside of his bathroom stall. Nothing could possibly go wrong...
That was until the bathroom door swung open and Chris saw two pairs of shiny black shoes from under the stall door. They pounded on the door and asked "Is everything okay in there? What's going on?"
"Uh oh!" Chris exclaimed. "Um, nothing."
"Sir, we need you to come out of the stall. Keep your hands where we can see them."
There were two things Chris knew at this point. The first being that the Jerkops had caught him finding true love, which was illegal in the Commonwealth of Virginia. The second being that unless he could think of something quickly, this encounter would end with him in handcuffs. So he said the first thing that came to mind.
"Uh... I'm pooing."
The jerkops replied "Sir we need you to..." But before they could finish, one of them looked under the stall door and indeed saw Chris's dirty crapped briefs around his ankles. So the jerkop said "You have five minutes to clean yourself up. Understand?"
Chris took his time pulling up his pants and unlocking the stall. It was at this point the jerkcops immediately took him into custody. They knew Chris was only telling a half truth about what he was doing in there because nobody takes a laptop into a toilet and shouts the name of a woman while shitting. But luck was on Chris's side this day. For unbeknown to Chris, he wasn't exactly the first person to masturbate in a library restroom. It happened to be a popular spot for homeless people to, ahem, relieve themselves and it turned out the city of Charlottesville didn't want to spend its finite resources punishing mentally handicapped retards for every transgression they made. So after a couple of days in the county lockup, Chris reached a deal with the prosecutor. Chris would avoid jail time and a permanent spot on the sex offenders' registry as long as he paid a fine, paid for the laptop, and signed a writ of trespass saying he could never go to the public library again. At first Chris's parents were furious with him. But that changed after his infamous road trip to Ohio. His parents, being the enabling hotbed for mental illness they were, thought that Chris was having an autistic temper tantrum and promised to forgive every one of his transgressions.
Bob even agreed to get the Internet back.
Nobody learned a damn thing.
And that is the story of What If Bob Cut the Internet Down.
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