Containment What If?

Caligura said:
What if Chris Chan was a zoomer, say he was born in 1999? Let's say the ages of his parents scale with this change. Essentially we'd be in his 'Classic Saga' as of 2023.
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He'd probably be a TikTok lolcow along the lines of Tophiachu and HeyahNovaK3.

People on there can be pretty brutal. Unfortunately they lack a gathering point or a good way of preserving the content, the way the CWCki did. There would also be more pushback among the more sensitive crowd. I don't think he would become as infamous, the internet is much bigger and more widespread. Certainly those into lolcows and e-drama would know him but that's it.
 
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Say in an alternative universe Christian's parents decided to restrict Chris' internet access. As a consequence, Chris didn't become the lolcow we all know and love today. If Chris chan didn't become an internet lolcow, who would we pick on instead?
 
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It just dawned on me that given Chris' current arrangement, it's not out of the realm of possibility that Chris ends up with a literal pimp at some point. Chris has attempted prostitution in the past. I've seen equivalent whores on corners. Hell, a coke or H habit and irregular beatings would probably slim Chris down.
 
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butth3ad said:
Say in an alternative universe Christian's parents decided to restrict Chris' internet access. As a consequence, Chris didn't become the lolcow we all know and love today. If Chris chan didn't become an internet lolcow, who would we pick on instead?
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Whoa there, big fella. Love is a strong word.

I'd say more tolerate cause he makes us feel relatively normal and low-key mock.

If Chris wasn't cowfamous...hmm. Just banned from everywhere and probably in jail more.

If not dead. I mean, he's lucky to be alive.

If Caden changes his mind about Chris, it's very cold and cruel out there in them Virginian woods. He'll have to survive off deer piss and Grandmother Willow's tree sap.
 
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Glassshardballpit said:
I'm assuming that we would still know about... Christina. But what Bob would have been willing to do with Chris the boy he might not be willing to do with Chris the girl, I'm assuming Barbara would still be very controlling of... Christina. There's every chance that she would still be a complete tard and get into a lot of legal trouble.

If Chris was still a homebody, I'm going to guess that she wouldn't be so crazy about finding a girlfriend free boy and would not have a bent duck.

We could assume that Chris would still be into My Little pony and Sonic and things like that but exactly what shenanigans she would get up would be left up to the imagination.

Obviously there's some things that a guy is going to do that a girl wouldn't think of doing and vice versa. She would probably still get kicked out of college, be very opposed to getting a job and would be an attention seeker all around.

But I would say that Chris would just do the normal things girls do to get attention.
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OMG, he would probably try to be an IG Thotianna. Beg for money for bBLs and other plastic surgeries. Instead of being Jesus, he would be the lost Kardashian daughter, the most important one of all. The one that will fullfill the anchunt prophecy, ushering in a new era if Insta thoughts.
 
Mariposa2.0 LTE said:
OMG, he would probably try to be an IG Thotianna. Beg for money for bBLs and other plastic surgeries. Instead of being Jesus, he would be the lost Kardashian daughter, the most important one of all. The one that will fullfill the anchunt prophecy, ushering in a new era if Insta thoughts.
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That, or he'll steal raspberries from colonialists.
 
slackjawed man said:
What if Chris Chan never existed?
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If "Chris Chan" never existed, what would this site be called if it was still started to focus on other lolcows?

(KF used to be "CWCki Forums", which then went "Kiwi Farms" based on lolcow(s) saying "CWCki Forums" with slur.)

Glassshardballpit said:
I mean, he's lucky to be alive.
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Borb were old when they "gave the birth" to the future freak. The scenario of him never existing easily could've been a reality.
 
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Shrlurmp said:
It just dawned on me that given Chris' current arrangement, it's not out of the realm of possibility that Chris ends up with a literal pimp at some point. Chris has attempted prostitution in the past. I've seen equivalent whores on corners. Hell, a coke or H habit and irregular beatings would probably slim Chris down.
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Unlike Chris those ugly fat whores at least have a functioning vagina.
 
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Alphys said:
He'd probably be a TikTok lolcow along the lines of Tophiachu and HeyahNovaK3.

People on there can be pretty brutal. Unfortunately they lack a gathering point or a good way of preserving the content, the way the CWCki did. There would also be more pushback among the more sensitive crowd. I don't think he would become as infamous, the internet is much bigger and more widespread. Certainly those into lolcows and e-drama would know him but that's it.
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The problem is that lolcows like Chris became sadly a dime a dozen. Chris still stands out, for fucking sure but even more dysfunctional cows have appeared since (and I dare say, more funny than modern Chris tho Classic will never be surpassed).
Shrlurmp said:
It just dawned on me that given Chris' current arrangement, it's not out of the realm of possibility that Chris ends up with a literal pimp at some point. Chris has attempted prostitution in the past. I've seen equivalent whores on corners. Hell, a coke or H habit and irregular beatings would probably slim Chris down.
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I must admit that wasnt in my Chris Chan Bingo...but in a way, thats the fun of Chris Chan, you never know what to fucking expect.
 
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What if Chris actually started to give a shit about his appearance? Started a doctor-approved skincare routine, cut off his split ends, got a hydrating shampoo and conditioner, dressed for his weight, laser hair removal, etc? Are there any looks to save at this point if he was consistent enough with it, or has he really just fucked himself over in that realm to the point where he'll look 20 years older than he is forever?
 
themarchivist2 said:
What if Chris actually started to give a shit about his appearance? Started a doctor-approved skincare routine, cut off his split ends, got a hydrating shampoo and conditioner, dressed for his weight, laser hair removal, etc? Are there any looks to save at this point if he was consistent enough with it, or has he really just fucked himself over in that realm to the point where he'll look 20 years older than he is forever?
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I think he could tidy himself up enough to look only 10 years older than he is, instead of looking like a 65-year-old transvestite who's been chain smoking since they were 14. But it would take a monumental amount of work and dedication (i.e., diet and exercise) for a relatively minimal result.
 
What if chris chan had genius intellect but still has the same interests, the same crippling autism, and went through the same sagas?
 
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butth3ad said:
What if chris chan had genius intellect but still has the same interests, the same crippling autism, and went through the same sagas?
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Sonichu might have had legitimate artistic merit and he might have ended up sued by Nintendo, but instead of defacing blarms and macing a GameStop employee, he would have assassinated Reggie Fils-Aimé. Instead of just raping Barb, he'd have been a serial rapist of old women with a years long streak that baffled the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit.

Instead of just swindling local businesses with return scams, "wheeling and dealing," he'd have started a huge crypto Ponzi scam that wrecked the economy of numerous countries.

There would ultimately have been a smash movie about his crime spree.
 
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During Christmas time, Christmas trees can be decorated to honor police and firefighters.

If that's done where the lolcow lives, he might call that something idiotic like "jerkop tree".
 
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