Containment What If?

He'd hurt himself. He'd be very surprised when he tried to curl 50 lbs. and realize it's not anywhere near as light as the lemonade boxes he was curling.
 
He'd need to start with using his own body weight. Just attempting press-ups, chin-ups etc until he can handle those. Then he could move on to weights. Even if he managed to get to that point he'd still need a trainer because he has very poor co-ordination and would be very likely to injure himself.
 
Put simply, we'd all be quite fucked. Really, if you thought that he was violent, temperamental, and emotionally immature then, imagine how he'll be when he has unstoppable powers, and a desire to get 'revenge' on everyone. In fact, I would say that the comic 'Irredeemable' is a good example of what it'd be like (kind of)
 
What if Chris won a billion-dollar Powerball jackpot?

Right now, Chris has cemented his place in society by flunking out of community college and sponging off the government at the advice of his hypocritically Republican, dead father. With a paper trail of internet infamy and more recently, felony charges on record, he has little hope for any sort of gainful employment. He'll basically shut himself in with Barb and play vidya for the rest of his life as both of them continue to decay. If Chris is lucky, Barb will leave it in her will to have him committed to some sort of group home for the rest of his life. Although, Considering her adamant crusade against the Greene County School Board (Her refusal to comply with mental health professionals trained in special education.) this is extremely unlikely. It's much more likely that OPL will scrape by on slightly-increased tugboat, eventually developing something horrible like Type II Diabetes or Pancreatic Cancer from his lifestyle.

But... what if that all changed tomorrow? What if Chris and Barb won not just the lottery, but the lottery! In a sick twist of fate, Chris and Barbara find themselves omnipotently wealthy, richer than Mitt Romney, richer than most A-list celebrities, richer than some developing countries. One billion is a thousand millions. One billion buys you a lot of cool stuff, I think that goes without saying.

Which brings forth the question: What would Chris and Barb foolishly and impulsively spend their omnipotence on?

I believe they'd start off by paying off 14BC's mortgage and Snyder's damages before buying some ridiculous, ostentatious nouveau-riche estate (Think Gatsby) in the Hamptons. Chris's first order of business would be to purchase every vidya gaem in the PS3 library, complete with useless DLC. Sonichu would be in for an official Vanity-print run which would very soon stutter and fail due to zero sales and incessant cease-and-desists from Nintendo and Sega. His days would soon become a blur of vidya, drugs, prostitutes, and mafia bitches who would, in time, come to marry Chris before shortly and covertly assassinating him for his money.
 
Re: What if Chris won a billion-dollar Powerball jackpot?

that's a lot of q-sands
 
Re: What if Chris won a billion-dollar Powerball jackpot?

He'd spend it all in about 5 years like most lottery winners. He'd be worse off because he no longer has the tugboat to get him by.
 
Re: What if Chris won a billion-dollar Powerball jackpot?

Magic beans.
 
Re: What if Chris won a billion-dollar Powerball jackpot?

"I'm handsome AND rich, how come I can't get a Got-Dang Woman??"
 
Re: What if Chris won a billion-dollar Powerball jackpot?

We know he buys lotto, but is he smart enough to buy powerball or pick six? Or does he actually believe he'll hit the jackpot on scratch offs?
 
A-log would be right about Chris. If he have god-like powers, that's sure he will ruin some people's lives, like trolls and Megan. I bet that every night he imagines himself taking revenge on those guys, after all, he blames them for everything.
 
Realistic outcome:

He would shit himself and stress sigh after 10 minutes, then he'd go back to vidya and the weights, bars and bench would disappear into the hoard. He may not even be able to remove the weights, bench and bars from the Aerostar.
 
Re: What if Chris really was as attractive as he thinks he i

He would have as easy a time getting china as Pixyteri does at getting duck, but like Pixyteri, much of it would be pity fucks, and possibly unlike Pixyteri, any children he would produce would be autistic, have Down's Syndrome, or be seriously deformed (like cloverleaf skull, anencephalic or harlequin babies) that would die within hours to months.
 
Re: What if Chris really was as attractive as he thinks he i

He'd be just like almost every other extremely attractive, yet emotionally stunted and self-centered moron on earth. He'd get used for sex and exploited for personal gain. But he still wouldn't have a girlfriend.

"Christ. I know it's not rocket science posing for the JC Penny catalog, but I really wish the new guy would shut up about his stupid 'sauna-chews' or whatever-the-fuck. And if i have to tell him one more goddamn time that he can't wear that medallion in the pictures, i'm gonna fucking lose it. Seriously Dave, where the fuck do you find these people?"
 
Re: What if Epic Raps Battles Of History did Chris vs someon

I think this has some merit as an idea, although ERBoH is undoubtedly going to make CWC a lot more interesting to make it interesting to watch. I think they'd pull it off well. Still, they wouldn't put CWC against someone else in the sagas unless he was already more famous on his own.

They could try pitting CWC against
Forrest Gump (HFA vs HFA...and a major winner against a complete loser)
Sonic the Hedgehog (The REAL DEAL against the Untrue and Dishonest)
Satoshi Tajiri (Guy who created Pokemon, is Autistic...and the other "parent" of Sonichu).

In all three of these, CWC probably loses, although watching NicePeter drop a line like "You're a damn dirty troll and I'll be back in a whirl. By the power of Godjesus and the Bear, I'm now Tomgirl!"

Highly amusing, for absolute sure.
 
This board would not exist, and while I might be spending this time elsewhere, I would know far fewer cool people...

I know we've had over 9000 threads about "what if Chris liked ________" or "What has Chris ruined for you?", but this is the first time I actually shuddered when I read the topic. All I have to say is, I'm so very, very glad he didn't. I'm so deeply grateful that I never had to wade through 10 issues of Godachu (which sounds like God sneezing, and brings a whole new meaning to 'bless you'), or Pikazilla and the Chaotic Kaiju Combo. I will now clap three times and thank my local kami for small miracles.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back