Containment What If?

GrandNumberOfPounds said:
What if Chris was in a horror movie? DCB, of course, but would the monster kill him or just troll him?

Chris will be the first to die. He's loud, doesn't understand the simplest concept of being subtle and with his current health conditions Chris can only run for about 30 seconds before being out of breath. It's safe to assume he's a dead man if he was ever in a horror movie.
 
Chris would find a way to screw it up while attempting to use it to make his "curse ye ha me HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS" real, and end up giving people cancer with a touch
 
What if Chris faced something like the contrapasso from Dante's Inferno or the Justice Zone from Red Dwarf? Meaning for every misdeed he did, he'd get a just punishment for it?

Ex.: He uploads SheCameForCWC, someone tries to force themselves on Chris and when he refuses their advances, they upload badly drawn porn of them doing a sex act on Chris.
 
He takes away your blindness....and gives you an incurable case of contact dermatitis.

Praise be GodBearJesus.
For there is no God but The Bear, and Sonichu is his Prophet (may PickleJuice be Upon Him.)
 
snowkitten91 said:
Hm, if Chris tried to attract an Evangelion girl? Let's see...

Asuka would hate him, Rei would ignore him and the Nerv women in general (Misato, Ritsuko, Maya) would just find him too creepy and disgusting. On the other hand, I'm not really sure about how Mari would react to him.

Also, he would surely feel jealous of Kaji and consider him a JERK and accuse Kaworu of being a HOMO for his interest in Shinji.

Just like in real life, the only female who would actually tolerate being near him would be his disembodied mother whenever he piloted his EVA Unit. That is the closest he would ever get to being inside a cyborg female.

snowkitten91 said:
... and accuse Kaworu of being a HOMO for his interest in Shinji.

As a gaijin, Chris is incapable of comprehending the subtlety of the dynamic there.

snowkitten91 said:
On the other hand, I'm not really sure about how Mari would react to him.
As far as I am concerned, Mari is not a true and honest character. I regard the whole Rebuild "saga" as apocryphal...
 
cubesandcubes said:
DykesDykesChina said:
I don't know so much about Anime, but since Chris thinks himself a lovable loser kinda guy, wouldn't that mean that he'd soon have a harem of cute girls all over him?


I suppose it depends on what genre the anime universe in question is and who/what excercises ultimate authorial control:

If Chris was in control it would be a harem comedy or Erogame.

An encounter with Dokoro-chan from Bokusatsu Tenshi Dokoro-Chan would be very funny and accurately reflect the reactions of women to Chris....

Chris seems to be over the line of "ordinary highschool student" and into yandre and hikokomori territory.
I wonder how Chris would fare in a black comedy like "Welcome to the NHK where the female love interest is a white Knight/rental sister not interested in sex; or a psychodrama like The End of Evangelion in which EVERY surviving human being on Earth has an encounter with a spectral Ayanami Rei just before having their souls combined and their physical bodies reduced to LCL.

NHK would become a repeat of the Megan Saga, I believe.
 
I think that If Chris had been born a generation or so earlier he would be a crazy pentacostal-style preacher, the type who speaks in tongues, experiences "visions" and "visitations". That's what he sounds like in many of his videos, especially the "tard rage" category. Instead of sonichu and CWCville, he would be cherry-picking various bible passages and combining them into an utterly self-serving, completely unoriginal theological narrative. His "random access humor" would be channeled into glossolalia and "prophecy". His erratic, syncopated gestures would be characterized as possession by the holy ghost or demons, or Satan or whatever. Instead of blaming all of his problems and shortcomings (both mental and material) on trolls he would blame them on Satan, demons, liberals, the Illuminati etc. He would probably have more china than he would know what to do with, though.

Saito said:
cubesandcubes said:
DykesDykesChina said:
I don't know so much about Anime, but since Chris thinks himself a lovable loser kinda guy, wouldn't that mean that he'd soon have a harem of cute girls all over him?


I suppose it depends on what genre the anime universe in question is and who/what excercises ultimate authorial control:

If Chris was in control it would be a harem comedy or Erogame.

An encounter with Dokoro-chan from Bokusatsu Tenshi Dokoro-Chan would be very funny and accurately reflect the reactions of women to Chris....

Chris seems to be over the line of "ordinary highschool student" and into yandre and hikokomori territory.
I wonder how Chris would fare in a black comedy like "Welcome to the NHK where the female love interest is a white Knight/rental sister not interested in sex; or a psychodrama like The End of Evangelion in which EVERY surviving human being on Earth has an encounter with a spectral Ayanami Rei just before having their souls combined and their physical bodies reduced to LCL.

NHK would become a repeat of the Megan Saga, I believe.

Either that or Vivian Gee. Vivian seemed a bit more detached and truly white knightish, whereas Megan was a friend who knew Chris before he was inducted into the League of Fail.
 
I was just like wtf is Mari?? Because I watched all of Evangelion some time back and I just couldn't remember a character of that name.

BTW I was more thinking along the lines of Battle Angel Alita. Chris is already living in a scrapyard, sort of, only without the garbage spewing city in the sky above it and with less violent criminals.
 
DykesDykesChina said:
thiaf said:
He would enjoy conducting pat-downs on women. :cry:
Are male officers allowed to do this in the US?

Here, pat-down searches may only be performed by officers who are of the same sex as the suspect. The only exceptions are situations in which there is grave danger, e.g. when someone has assaulted officers and is suspected to be armed.

I didn't think about that before, but I wouldn't put it past Chris to disregard something like that.
 
DykesDykesChina said:
I was just like wtf is Mari?? Because I watched all of Evangelion some time back and I just couldn't remember a character of that name.

Mari Illustrious Makinami. She's a new character introduced in the second Evangelion Rebuild movie: You Can (Not) Advance.

CI_57693_1328706732.jpg
 
A cyborg Chris could end up like this if they didn't want to spend a ton of money
images

If they did manage to spend a ton of money to turn him into a cyborg, expect the robotic parts to break down from lack of proper maintenance on Chris' part. He won't bother since it's too much work that gives him |:( , and enough |:( could cause the machine parts to be (:_( .
 
I suspect the boxes will have the following text on the side:

"What makes your Big Chan so unique?
Maybe it's how the double layer of sear-sizzled
100% fat mingels with Fanta and dirty crapped briefs,
the master onion à la mode, the shredwud solos
and the crunch of pickle. Or, maybe it's just that it's autistic."
 
snowkitten91 said:
DykesDykesChina said:
I was just like wtf is Mari?? Because I watched all of Evangelion some time back and I just couldn't remember a character of that name.

Mari Illustrious Makinami. She's a new character introduced in the second Evangelion Rebuild movie: You Can (Not) Advance.

CI_57693_1328706732.jpg

Some Eva fans regard her as an interloper or Yoko...

Hitler articulates some of those sentiments quite well
 
I imagine that in most historical periods, Chris' life might actually be better. Provided though, that his parents weren't the lazy, shitty enablers they are/were. Without vidya or Pokeymanz, Chris could have a relatively normal life even if some might consider him weird. And without the tugboat, he would have to find a job, however menial it is.

Course, this would also depend on the social status of his family, growing up poor and facing the difficulties that come with it (with no tugboat) would probably make him a better person than if he had been born to a wealthy family.

All of the above.

If I had not known who he was, I would be immediately repelled by his BO and get the hell away from him as fast as I could.

Knowing who he was, I would tell him that I was looking for a Girlfriend-free Boy and proceed to troll him from there.

I'd like to think that Chris' life would improve vastly, but like others have pointed out, Bob was only marginally better than Barb. I'm not sure about Bob cleaning the hoard. At the very least, the hoard would no longer grow since Barb isn't around to contribute to it anymore. I could imagine Bob removing some of it, at least (to make it easier for him to move around, or whatever)

The Oct 28 incident might still have happened, but on a lesser scale without Barb to egg him on. Chris said that he and Barb looked at the new ownership sign and she may have egged him on right then and there - who knows what he might have done if he had been there by himself.

Kosher Dill said:
I'm sort of picturing Baron Harkonnen from the "Dune" movie, with the levitators.

The Baron was way more badass than Chris will ever be, but I could totally see Chris using the levitators. Which would only in turn make him even fatter as he would no longer expend physical effort on walking.
 
The only thing that can defeat a robot is a logical paradox. But in Chris-bot's case, a multisyllabic word will do.
 
GrandNumberOfPounds said:
What if Chris faced something like the contrapasso from Dante's Inferno or the Justice Zone from Red Dwarf? Meaning for every misdeed he did, he'd get a just punishment for it?

Ex.: He uploads SheCameForCWC, someone tries to force themselves on Chris and when he refuses their advances, they upload badly drawn porn of them doing a sex act on Chris.

Asperchu was great for this. Chris steals and modifies Sonic and Pikachu? Sonichu gets stolen and modified. He makes a comic about shooting Liquid in the knees? A comic gets made where Chris gets shot in the knees. By Sonichu.

For the October 2011 incident, people could continually trespass in 14 Branchland Court, and whenever Chris tries to stop them, they bump into him with their cars and then drive away?
 
I can picture an H-game visual novel starring Chris (Think School Days, Katawa Shoujo, Saya No Uta, Bible Black, etc.) where you're the tall, thin loveable loser wandering around Manchester High School in 1999, surrounded by a harem of heroines with stereotypical anime personalities (Megan is Tsundere, for example) when suddenly the game goes all NTR and JERKS steal your gal-pals one by one. You vow revenge on them, heroically confronting them with the fabled CURSE YE HA ME HA...

At which point, the perspective suddenly shifts to that of one of the so-called jerks ("Ordinary High School Student" archetype) and the art takes on a more realistic/grimdark style as you witness a realistcally-proportioned Chris throw a bitchfit at a bunch of normal guys like you in an epic deconstruction. The game ends with a satisfying round of kick the autistic followed by a barrage of H-scenes.

/A-Log, runs

Before this, Chris's POV is presented, somewhat jokingly, without obvious flaws. From Chris's singular warped, myopic perspective, You wouldn't know something's screwed up about him unless you really between read the lines. It becomes... To use insistent TV tropes terminology, both harsher and hilarious in hindsight on your second playthrough.

There's no question that Chris has been milked dry for a while now. In a span of about five years, an internet community centered around him arose and died out. Really, who can blame them? Chris is a work unto himself, a miracle of unintentional comedy. I think the fact that the surreal drama was all too real, the fact that you could participate almost dislodged Chris from the realm of reality. As Spongebob would say, Chris was a two-dimensional cartoon character lost in our three-dimensional internet world. For a while, all the stops were pulled as people had free reign to insult and invent fantastic theories about your average town crazy. But sometime in 2010-11, he crossed the line from adorably-crazy to realistic-disturbing-crazy. His abandonment of Sonichu, CWCipedia, clown shirts marked the end of a sort of golden age of connectedness, of feeding trolls. Audience participation, contact with Chris was now limited to a few select PVCC members struggling to keep Chris's interest. In the absence of new content for a while, the CWC community began to grow aware of its own flaws, of the ethical dilemma of bullying an autistic man on the internet for fun. His especially-disturbing behavior during the whole Jackie, Tomgirl, 10/28/11 sagas ironically served to humanize him. (Not to mention, Bob died, which pretty much universally elicits sympathy.) The extreme vocal minority, the A-Logs really kind of shattered the whole sense of community. Trolls were often trollshielders, psychological projection to hide personal flaw and insecurity. Thus, the CWC community has been reduced to what it is right now. All good things come to an end. So dawn goes to day, nothing gold can stay.

Chris has proven to be one of a kind. Intentional efforts to "find other lolcows" (/cwc/, etc.) have devolved into a sort of witch-hunting. Like I said, Chris was a miracle of unintentional comedy. His grand saga began when one of his friends uploaded cell phone pictures of him to 4chan. On /b/, you can never be sure what will catch on. It just sort of happens. At the rate of new posts there, you have like, 30 seconds for your thread to be noticed on the first page. Even then, you can never be sure if something like that isn't going to just devolve into "NYPA faggot sage goes in all fields". Chris was unprecedented in 2007. A new CWC would have precedent, a history of sagas, knowledge of trollshielding/A-Logging. If you posted pics of your typical village idiot who plays vidya all day in /b/, there's no denying someone would make the connection and call out the forced meme. Despite the fact that Chris is one of a kind, Chris is not unique. I'm sure a fair number of people on peopleofwalmart.com are almost exactly like Chris: Jobless, deluded people with mental issues. The difference is that Chris spoke out, Chris regularly produced content, Chris didn't just walk away or realize the error of his ways after anonymous people on the internet called him out for his shit. He engaged his "fanbase", gradually opening up his warped mind for all to see the disturbing secrets within.

Let's say /cwc/'s wishes were granted. Let's say it all happened again, a clean slate. An autistic manchild in his mid-twenties (Let's call him CXC, pronounced "Sexy") makes a big enough fool of himself on the internet to gain a dedicated troll following. CXC regularly produces disturbing videos, art, and writing, leaving a clear paper trail of his activities. He makes a big deal out of anonymous empty threats and snide comments and longs to "get noticed" for his talents. He is easily fooled. Put two and two together and you've got sagas, trolling plans, a CXC[k?]i as CXC transcends sympathy to become a work unto himself. Many veterans of the CWC community, coupled with late-bandwagon-jumpers like me who were too late to join PVCC and weren't around for most of Chris's glory days flock to the place.

I realize that this could be vaguely interpreted as some kind of hypothetical meta-trolling plan, but would the CWC saga have a large effect on how this would play out? I mean, right off the bat, people would recognize the "A-Logs" and call them out, at a loss of a sense of camaraderie. There'd be a "been there, done that" feeling, limits from the get-go. You'd have white knights linking CXC to the CWCki as a sort of warning of what not to do.

So I ask you, CWCki Forums, how would things play out? What would be different this time around? Could there even be another CWC?

---

EDIT: Holy shit that is a fuckton of bombastic parellelism/asydeton. AP English made my writing so pretentious... apologies if it came out that way. :asperchu:
 
He could use the extra grease from his food to oil his robotic joints?
 
What if he made enough alts that he actually won the contest and took Megan to the 2007 Penny Arcade Expo?
 
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