I don't care if its powerleveling, its the only place I can post this.
I peaked when I detransitioned 3 years ago. Since I was in my mid teens I honestly thought I was a ftm. I hated my body, I was a tomboy most of my life, I thought my breasts were tumors and my feminine body was repulsive and I would lose myself in fantasizing about crossdressing as a guy and reading yaoi manga and stories where women pretended to be men. I blamed it for the reason for my depression. And in 2017 (age 26) I finally socially transitioned and took male hormones. I took them for three years. I hated the excess hair, I still do, I told myself I needed to put up with it to prove to everyone that I was a man, I cut my hair short, my wardrobe was changed to nothing but mens clothing (that were always too big) and I binded my breasts.
I honestly believed that it was a legit mental illness. People spouting "you don't need disphoria to be trans" I rolled my eyes. Then why do it? But the longer I went on, the more I hated it. It was a year or so in until I started to tell myself, I should stop trying to fit into the mold to prove I was a man, and just focus on what helps my mental health. I started to relax. I became okay with being more androgynous, while at the same time I tackled my depression and mental issues head on. I developed a male sex drive as soon as I started taking the hormones and it changed how my mind worked completely. Male sex drive, male emotions, male thought process. I masterbated to porn every day. I used to hate it for years, but that quickly went away. The male libido is overwhelming. In a weird way, the porn was a sort of sex therapy. Things I had hang ups about, stopped mattering. I was too horny to care if I had breasts. I still remember the moment when I was masturbating and I thought to myself "it's going to suck when I get my tits cut off, I'm going to miss squeezing them".
The next moment I thought: "Then what the fuck am I even doing?"
I had to process it all and stop and think about what caused it in the first place. It was sexual abuse. I was molested when I was 6 years old. I used to wear dresses before that, after that I refused to wear anything but baggy jeans and tee shirts. I never wanted anyone near me, I became isolated. I didn't want to think something like that had such an effect on me for so long, but it did. I'm still a virgin. I've never let anyone touch me. Puberty made it worse.
It's so obvious now. It was like a form of escapism.
I will have to spend tens of thousands of dollars to fix what's wrong with my body. Mostly fixing my voice and hair removal. I was lucky that I was still on the waiting list to get my breasts removed, and I still have them. They have been damaged from binding for three years.
I don't believe people are trans (born in the wrong body), I believe they fall into 3 categories: (1) Body disassociation caused by childhood sexual trauma which they mistaken for gender disphoria (most TIFs and gay TIMs fall into this one.), (2) autogynephilia/porn addiction, and (3) a maladaptive coping mechanism for dealing with other traumas that aren't necessarily about CSA, like lesbians and gay men in denial.
I'm not autistic (despite what being on this site implies), but I think autists have their own subcategory, they troon out because of either (1) autogynephilia (they are still mostly male and pornsick) (2) they disassociate from their bodies because of their autism and (3) they are extremely naive and will believe anything someone says if someone they trust tells them too.
