Jacob Stuart Harrison Storytelling Thread - FSTDT Forums Ex-Pet Lolcow

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Jacob Harrison said:
You better take that back! England was very great! During the Middle Ages, it was the richest country in Europe. England's laws inspired America's laws and the Constitution.
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No.

And it was so shit we moved to other land and told the brits to fuck off.
 
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FatFuckFrank said:
No.

And it was so shit we moved to other land and told the brits to fuck off.
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Because we were the true followers of Anglo Saxon heritage. Our sacred Anglo Saxon rights were being violated by the illegitimate King George III.
 
Jacob Harrison said:
Because we were the true followers of Anglo Saxon heritage. Our sacred Anglo Saxon rights were being violated by the illegitimate King George III.
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another thing, what happens if your kids rebel against you and think you're plan is stupid?
 
Alright guys, you're not gonna believe this.

Last night, there was snow, aka flakes of frozen water, all over my car. In a solid state.

Then, without me moving the car or the snow at all, this morning it was gone, with just some small puddles nearby. Truly, I have witnessed Jacob's magnificence. Were it not for this miracle, I don't know how I would have gotten to work, as the previously existing snow was blocking my view.

Maybe later I'll tell you about the time when He miraculously transformed a beverage cup devoid of liquid into a small cup of weird flavored water. "Two beverages from but one vessel?!" I exclaimed, "Truly 'tis the glory of Jacob Harrison that I have witnessed here today!"
 
There is a major mystery at my college. A janitor that I have seen working there often has been gone for a few weeks. He seemed like he did good at the job so I don't think that he got fired. He is hispanic but I do not think that he is an illegal immigrant who got deported because if that was the case, then my college would get in legal trouble for hiring him. Or perhaps they did not know that when they hired him. But wouldn't it be on the local news? I think that the most likely explanation is that he is taking a long vacation. If I don't see him in a few weeks, then I will know that there is something more to it.
 
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Jacob Harrison said:
There is a major mystery at my college. A janitor that I have seen working there often has been gone for a few weeks. He seemed like he did good at the job so I don't think that he got fired. He is hispanic but I do not think that he is an illegal immigrant who got deported because if that was the case, then my college would get in legal trouble for hiring him. Or perhaps they did not know that when they hired him. But wouldn't it be on the local news? I think that the most likely explanation is that he is taking a long vacation. If I don't see him in a few weeks, then I will know that there is something more to it.
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Fascinating. How big is your dick?
 
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Jacob Harrison said:
There is a major mystery at my college. A janitor that I have seen working there often has been gone for a few weeks. He seemed like he did good at the job so I don't think that he got fired. He is hispanic but I do not think that he is an illegal immigrant who got deported because if that was the case, then my college would get in legal trouble for hiring him. Or perhaps they did not know that when they hired him. But wouldn't it be on the local news? I think that the most likely explanation is that he is taking a long vacation. If I don't see him in a few weeks, then I will know that there is something more to it.
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Buddy.... I wonder what the world must look like through your eyes... Where most people see nothing at all, you see fascinating and wondrous mysteries. But for some reason I really enjoy engaging with you, so what the hell, let's dissect the mystery, while I attempt to poke holes in it.

Assertion 1: There is a janitor at your school who is hispanic, seemed good at his job, and now you haven't seen him for a few weeks.
(What makes you think he was good at his job? Did you watch him over long periods of time?)

Assertion 2: He must not have been deported, otherwise your college would get in legal trouble and there would be a local news story.
Corollary to assertion 2: You are assuming you would know if your college got in legal trouble, and assuming an illegal immigrant being deported is always a news story.
(What makes you think you'd be notified if the college got in trouble? What makes you think they would get in trouble for hiring an illegal immigrant? Why do you think every deportation ends up as a news story?)

Current Hypothesis based on above assertions and assumptions: The janitor is probably on a long vacation.

Null Hypothesis if the janitor fails to re-appear: The janitor is missing for reasons other than being on vacation.

Also, you've missed a rather large possibility: The janitor left the job on his own.

Also also.... why? Just why?
 
Corbin Dallas Multipass said:
Buddy.... I wonder what the world must look like through your eyes... Where most people see nothing at all, you see fascinating and wondrous mysteries. But for some reason I really enjoy engaging with you, so what the hell, let's dissect the mystery, while I attempt to poke holes in it.

Assertion 1: There is a janitor at your school who is hispanic, seemed good at his job, and now you haven't seen him for a few weeks.
(What makes you think he was good at his job? Did you watch him over long periods of time?)

Assertion 2: He must not have been deported, otherwise your college would get in legal trouble and there would be a local news story.
Corollary to assertion 2: You are assuming you would know if your college got in legal trouble, and assuming an illegal immigrant being deported is always a news story.
(What makes you think you'd be notified if the college got in trouble? What makes you think they would get in trouble for hiring an illegal immigrant? Why do you think every deportation ends up as a news story?)

Current Hypothesis based on above assertions and assumptions: The janitor is probably on a long vacation.

Null Hypothesis if the janitor fails to re-appear: The janitor is missing for reasons other than being on vacation.

Also, you've missed a rather large possibility: The janitor left the job on his own.

Also also.... why? Just why?
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  1. I have seen him a year ago proving that he has been working at the college for at least a year. If he was not good at his job, he would have likely been fired earlier.
  2. The college I go to, like most colleges in the US are infested with liberal propaganda and SJWs, so if he was deported, they would organize a mass protest.
  3. I have become an acquaintance of his because in the mornings when I am in the hallway waiting for the library to open at 8:00 so that I can do some work and studying before class, he often passes by at the time and we have conversations. So if he was leaving, he would have told me.
 
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Jacob Harrison said:
  1. I have seen him a year ago proving that he has been working at the college for at least a year. If he was not good at his job, he would have likely been fired earlier.
  2. The college I go to, like most colleges in the US are infested with liberal propaganda and SJWs, so if he was deported, they would organize a mass protest.
  3. I have become an acquaintance of his because in the mornings when I am in the hallway waiting for the library to open at 8:00 so that I can do some work and studying before class, he often passes by at the time and we have conversations. So if he was leaving, he would have told me.
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Ah, your reasoning here seems sound. However people would have to know he was deported to protest it, but you're probably right someone would have found out and made a stink. But SJWs don't actually usually care about people like that, but rather to be seen caring about something other SJWs care about. It could be he had some "problematic" views and thus was not afforded their outrage.

Ah well, I'm sure your continued investigative work will get to the bottom of this mystery.
 
Corbin Dallas Multipass said:
You aren't the first person with this plan. It.... mostly fails. Also, what a boring fucking endgame to a multi-generational plan! You're going to eventually take over a symbolic monarchy in a failing country on a failing continent?

Jesus man, have some ambition! You could probably start a religion, I hear there's good money in that, plus it's a decent route to power. The church of water and ice.
"Why does hot water freeze faster than cold water under some circumstances? Because Jacob Harrison wills it."
"Father, father, I found a vessel in a cool, but not freezing location, yet the contents were indeed frozen!" "Ah, my son, this is but a sign of the magnificence and benevolence of the Almighty Jacob Harrison, may he permit the ice of our souls to melt in the chill environment of this sinful earth".

I've gotta say, you have a pretty good name for it.
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I tried that acutally. The long-term potential for profits is good, but the start-up costs are a pain in the ass. Maybe I should have spent more than 30 minutes on it. Oh well. Onto creating a MLM scheme.
 
DrJonesHat said:
I tried that acutally. The long-term potential for profits is good, but the start-up costs are a pain in the ass. Maybe I should have spent more than 30 minutes on it. Oh well. Onto creating a MLM scheme.
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Well... jeez man, any good cult has an MLM or two built into it. That's sort of entry level stuff.

The basic MLM is recruiting for the cult. Starting up, you're probably going to need to make this part free, it's hard enough getting cult members without also having to get them to pay you. But worthless titles and awards can be handed out for the best recruiters, who of course get a portion of awards if their recruits get awards.

Then, the big bucks are in selling licenses. These are going to depend on your specific flavor of cult. Maybe you have a special technique, like scientology and the e-meters. Maybe you have re-branded protein shakes that you claim will give you superpowers in the afterlife, whatever.

You get people to sell these products, at a modest mark-up. However they have to buy a license to be allowed to sell the products (This is to make sure they're properly trained to sell the powerful thing, or whatever. You really only need the thinnest veneer of an excuse.) That's where your big influx of cash comes from, the licensing ponzi scheme. Sell a license, get a small commission. If someone you sold a license to sells one, you get a small piece of their commission. Basic pyramid scheme stuff. The actual product will help keep it going, bare pyramid schemes really don't work anymore. Eventually this MLM is going to collapse under its own weight, of course, so you need to get that cash up front. Put some annoying member of the cult in charge of the MLM, so they can take the fall if it gets busted.

After that the sky is the limit.
 
Corbin Dallas Multipass said:
Ah, your reasoning here seems sound. However people would have to know he was deported to protest it, but you're probably right someone would have found out and made a stink. But SJWs don't actually usually care about people like that, but rather to be seen caring about something other SJWs care about. It could be he had some "problematic" views and thus was not afforded their outrage.

Ah well, I'm sure your continued investigative work will get to the bottom of this mystery.
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Well, strange things happened today and I wonder if it is related to the janitor's disappearance. Today I was sitting in a soft chair in the college library studying for an exam. A campus police officer walked over to the chair right next to mine and briefly lifted the cushion. He then asked me to get up from the chair and he lifted up the cushion. He was clearly checking for something. I then saw him talking with the librarian about something and then he left.

After the exam when I was back in the library doing work at a table in the part of the library where the bookshelves are(since the chairs were taken, I saw that same officer walking with a woman(who could be a detective) further down in the library. I didn't see what they were doing, because there were bookshelves to the right of me blocking my view to the right. A few minutes later they came walking back.

Could the police be doing an investigation on the janitor's disappearance?
 
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Jacob Harrison said:
Well, strange things happened today and I wonder if it is related to the janitor's disappearance. Today I was sitting in a soft chair in the college library studying for an exam. A campus police officer walked over to the chair right next to mine and briefly lifted the cushion. He then asked me to get up from the chair and he lifted up the cushion. He was clearly checking for something. I then saw him talking with the librarian about something and then he left.

After the exam when I was back in the library doing work at a table in the part of the library where the bookshelves are(since the chairs were taken, I saw that same officer walking with a woman(who could be a detective) further down in the library. I didn't see what they were doing, because there were bookshelves to the right of me blocking my view to the right. A few minutes later they came walking back.

Could the police be doing an investigation on the janitor's disappearance?
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I... sort of doubt they were looking for the janitor under cushions. I mean, you'd know better than me, but most janitors are not that small.

But it is fun to imagine what circumstances would lead police to search for clues about a missing janitor under seat cushions. Like, maybe he was kidnapped by a Riddler type villian, and the cops have already recieved a few clues, and have been sent on a wacky scavenger hunt for clues as to where the janitor is being hidden.

Maybe the librarian unknowingly had been given a clue, so the cops were trying to figure out the significance of it. Also, I suspect a romance has developed between the cop and the lady detective, they probably snuck back there to make out and get nasty, but in the process accidentally uncovered a clue that could blow this whole thing wide open!

Also, have you considered asking the administration about the missing janitor? If they give you any trouble just be all like "Excuse me, I am Jacob motherfucking Harrison, the man who is saving England from the tyrannical rule of false despots, the man exploring the mysteries of ice and water that most men dare not ponder!" I can't imagine they'd hold back anything after that.
 
Corbin Dallas Multipass said:
I... sort of doubt they were looking for the janitor under cushions. I mean, you'd know better than me, but most janitors are not that small.

But it is fun to imagine what circumstances would lead police to search for clues about a missing janitor under seat cushions. Like, maybe he was kidnapped by a Riddler type villian, and the cops have already recieved a few clues, and have been sent on a wacky scavenger hunt for clues as to where the janitor is being hidden.

Maybe the librarian unknowingly had been given a clue, so the cops were trying to figure out the significance of it. Also, I suspect a romance has developed between the cop and the lady detective, they probably snuck back there to make out and get nasty, but in the process accidentally uncovered a clue that could blow this whole thing wide open!

Also, have you considered asking the administration about the missing janitor? If they give you any trouble just be all like "Excuse me, I am Jacob motherfucking Harrison, the man who is saving England from the tyrannical rule of false despots, the man exploring the mysteries of ice and water that most men dare not ponder!" I can't imagine they'd hold back anything after that.
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Now I saw a woman(who I think is the same woman as the detective, though I don't remember the detective's exact appearence) through a window in the computer lab next to the library talking with some guy wearing a yellow vest who I think is another officer. The woman was holding an object that the guy was also pointing to. They walked out of the computer lab and were laughing about something.

I think that the detective and the previous police officer were more likely searching for clues in the back of the library because the library has desks that go all the way to the back, so the students working there would notice them making out. Then again, the desks are on the other side of the columns of bookshelves so they might not have noticed if the officer and the woman briefly made out.

Now I remember that the librarian and the original officer were talking about something missing. I think what they are thinking is that a someone who was sitting in those chairs took some objects that are missing and the police were wondering if they slid underneath the cushion which is why he checked. I think that they are looking for objects that may have been stolen. This could be unrelated to the disappearance of the janitor or it could be related. What if the janitor discovered the thief and something happened to him. I also noticed that another librarian who used to show up for a morning shift has been gone this week.

I am afraid if I directly ask the police officer, he will know that I am onto this case. Maybe if I see another janitor I can ask him about it.
 
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Jacob Harrison said:
Now I saw a woman(who I think is the same woman as the detective, though I don't remember the detective's exact appearence) through a window in the computer lab next to the library talking with some guy wearing a yellow vest who I think is another officer. The woman was holding an object that the guy was also pointing to. They walked out of the computer lab and were laughing about something.

I think that the detective and the previous police officer were more likely searching for clues in the back of the library because the library has desks that go all the way to the back, so the students working there would notice them making out. Then again, the desks are on the other side of the columns of bookshelves so they might not have noticed if the officer and the woman briefly made out.

Now I remember that the librarian and the original officer were talking about something missing. I think what they are thinking is that a someone who was sitting in those chairs took some objects that are missing and the police were wondering if they slid underneath the cushion which is why he checked. I think that they are looking for objects that may have been stolen. This could be unrelated to the disappearance of the janitor or it could be related. What if the janitor discovered the thief and something happened to him. I also noticed that another librarian who used to show up for a morning shift has been gone this week.

I am afraid if I directly ask the police officer, he will know that I am onto this case. Maybe if I see another janitor I can ask him about it.
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OK man, keep in mind, this is all very silly and there's no weird conspiracy. This scenario where the janitor discovered the art thief stealing priceless masterpieces from the library and was murdered/kidnapped is beyond ridiculous and obviously didn't happen. You do realize this right?

You're still having fun with this right? You're seeming a little paranoid here...
 
Corbin Dallas Multipass said:
OK man, keep in mind, this is all very silly and there's no weird conspiracy. This scenario where the janitor discovered the art thief stealing priceless masterpieces from the library and was murdered/kidnapped is beyond ridiculous and obviously didn't happen. You do realize this right?

You're still having fun with this right? You're seeming a little paranoid here...
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It is just a speculation. There have been real bizarre crime cases in history.

I do admit that it was a TV Show that I watched recently that is making me think very deeply about these things. While I am majoring in Biology, my degree requires that I take some social science and humanities courses, so I am taking a class about TV.

Last week, one of the assignments in the class involved watching the first episode of the TV show called You and take notes on the different kinds of scenes.

“You” is a show about a psyco who falls in love with a woman he meets at a bookstore, so he stalks her and conspires to get rid of obstacles to his potential relationship with her, including her current boyfriend.

I was so fascinated by the first episode that I watched the other episodes. The crazy events that happened in the show has made me have a detective mindset lately.
 
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Corbin Dallas Multipass said:
Well... jeez man, any good cult has an MLM or two built into it. That's sort of entry level stuff.

The basic MLM is recruiting for the cult. Starting up, you're probably going to need to make this part free, it's hard enough getting cult members without also having to get them to pay you. But worthless titles and awards can be handed out for the best recruiters, who of course get a portion of awards if their recruits get awards.

Then, the big bucks are in selling licenses. These are going to depend on your specific flavor of cult. Maybe you have a special technique, like scientology and the e-meters. Maybe you have re-branded protein shakes that you claim will give you superpowers in the afterlife, whatever.

You get people to sell these products, at a modest mark-up. However they have to buy a license to be allowed to sell the products (This is to make sure they're properly trained to sell the powerful thing, or whatever. You really only need the thinnest veneer of an excuse.) That's where your big influx of cash comes from, the licensing ponzi scheme. Sell a license, get a small commission. If someone you sold a license to sells one, you get a small piece of their commission. Basic pyramid scheme stuff. The actual product will help keep it going, bare pyramid schemes really don't work anymore. Eventually this MLM is going to collapse under its own weight, of course, so you need to get that cash up front. Put some annoying member of the cult in charge of the MLM, so they can take the fall if it gets busted.

After that the sky is the limit.
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You've put a lot of thought into this. We should fleece the rubes go into business together!
 
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