Tinfoil Theory time: Kathy
has a gym that she already goes to. Doesn't Phil's gated community have a gym? Kathy can hop in the car and be at the gym within moments anytime she wants. I highly doubt Kathy wants a cardio machine for the house for her to use after being on her feet walking around a store at her job all day.
Maybe Kathy wanted the exercise machine """for both of them""" and her present was really just an excuse to get a cardio machine in the house so she can force Phil to start using it while he's watching TV. Surely she's aware how massivly unhealthy her bag of skin & fat husband is.
Phil claims to 'collapse with exhaustion' after getting back from his day off where he had to intermittently waddle and stand for a couple hours in-between eating at several restaurants and car rides. He claims they both collapse with exhaustion, but I highly doubt Kathy who works retail and goes to the gym is at all winded after what amounts to a light half day of work with many long breaks. Maybe Kathy collapses with emotional exhaustion from having to put up with her husband for several hours in a row, but it's not exhaustion from physical exertion.
So my Tinfoil Theory is that Phil had some inkling in some corner of his lazy oink-oink brain that he was going to be expected to use this cardio machine on a routine basis because Kathy was going to force him, so he passive aggressively did everything in his power to fuck it up.
- When he ordered it he specifically did not select the option to have it professionally assembled for an extra $70
- When he assembled it himself he did a shitty half-ass job, but it was not his fault and there was nothing he could do because the assembly instructions were in fucking Taiwanese or broken English (like 'Insert Tab A into Slot B' or some gobbledygook, who talks like that?)
- Upon assembly Phil seems to have immediately declared the machine unsafe because it was making a noise he didn't like, or it 'locked up' after 15 minutes of use;
- and even though this would clearly be his fault for doing a piss-poor job assembling it he did not attempt to fix it and instead declared it defective
- He then spent the next couple weeks demanding a full refund and that someone come to get the goddamn thing out of his house fully (shittily) assembled as Phil refused to ever touch the devil machine again.
- Phil also threw multiple temper tantrums about the freight company hauling it away for him and locked Kathy's cat in a room for hours at a time.
In conclusion: Phil purposefully fucked all this shit up and sperged the fuck out about it for weeks so that he can claim to have 'Exercise Machine related PTSD and Anxiety' so that if ever the subject of an exercise machine for the middle-unit condo is brought up again he can immediately shut down all discussion of it, because he is a fat, lazy pigroach.
I will be proven somewhat wrong about my conclusion if Phil actually uses the refund to purchase another piece of In-home cardio equipment (that Kathy wants for Phil to use) as you would think would happen when you buy someone a birthday present, then it breaks and you get a refund. My guess is we will never hear about another piece of In-home exercise equipment, or what was bought as a replacement birthday present for Kathy with the refund.
