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By @Yellow Yam Scam
The Tenacious Unicorn Ranch (referred to as the "tranch" or "tran ranch") is a Colorado trans-only ranch which functions more akin to a bizarre BDSM sex cult. The tranch was originally contained in
Kevin Gibes's own thread since not only was it his place of residence, but because it was also strikingly similar to Kevin himself: disgusting, destructive, and overwhelmingly careless. The tranch primarily focuses on raising alpacas rather than crops, but also is home to various other animals, their human residents not included. As time goes on, the tranch has made themselves a clear nuisance to their community and act as if they are on the verge of war with still-unproven "right wing militias." They also are horrible at graphic design.
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The leader of the tranch is
Phillip Matthew Logue, who goes by "
Steampunk Penny." Their various members are also deserving of considerable criticism due to their behavior,
Paul Mendoza (or "Bonnie") in particular. Forever in Phillip's shadow, Paul is his own league of ridiculous. If their tranch members' bizarre histories aren't strange enough, their interactions with those around them, and actions in general, range from absurd to abhorrent.
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Special thanks goes to
@Meiwaku,
@Lubby Smith,
@Chewing Character, and
@Guy Made Of Bees for their extensive effort in archiving.
DIG THROUGH THE STINK DITCHES
On the surface, the tranch is merely strange. A trans-only commune, the tranch's primary focus is alpacas, which is not a particularly lucrative venture. The most money which can be gained from alpacas is selling their wool, but it is a niche market which allegedly is only used for pyramid schemes, although this hasn't been verified in any capacity regarding the tranch. If
the reviews of their wool is to believed, what the tranch produces is of low quality and filled with debris. If anything, it seems the tranch's main export is fluff pieces, as outlets such as
PBS,
NBC, and
Vice have made saccharine documentary segments on it.
Underneath the hopeful façade these documentaries present, and foreshadowing for what would be later revealed, the first major bit of information gathered from the tranch was that
it was labeled as "non-compliant" and "delinquent" by officials, demonstrating their senselessly defiant or apathetic nature. One may have a perception of a communal farm such as the tranch having a strong sense of family among its members and close ties to the surrounding towns, but the tranch has anything but. According to ex-tranchers,
the tranch tends to treat its workers quite poorly. Either way, living on the tranch is absolute misery as
systems such as the heating, plumbing, or electricity break down on a constant basis while members settle on temporary quick-fixes every time they try to repair it.
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Even those outside of the tranch are not safe either, as
articles from local news outlets have been written complaining about the tranch's negative impact on the community, and when any fluff piece gets enough traction,
the comments for it are rife with individuals criticizing the tranch while the tranchers attempt damage control, countering with the stock excuse stating anyone who holds a poor opinion of the tranch is simply a bigot. The tranch doesn't even seem interested in seeing a bond between other farms either, as members
have expressed amusement and smug superiority when discussing farms which are struggling during difficult conditions, mocking the suffering of farmers they have never met in jest.
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Whether or not the criticism regarding them is justified, to the tranch, the fact they are disliked means they are victims, and thus tranch members are exceptionally gung-ho about "self defense." This is evident by how they seem to treat owning guns as a power fantasy, as they will regularly try goading people who question them to tresspass onto the ranch so they can justify shooting them. Members have even
bragged about paranoically pointing guns at passing vehicles. And, if they can't get a problem to come to them, tranch members will go out looking for it instead, as
members have also boasted and verified (along with the victim's recount) they went out, hunted down, and physically assaulted people solely for disagreeing with them.
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Unfortunately, the tranch treats their animals about as well as they treat outsiders. As an important note,
Kiwifarms is not a website for vigilante justice. Do not waste public service's time and money calling the police anonymously. That said, the best way to describe the tranch is "incompetent animal hoarders." The tranch itself is a barren wasteland of dirt yet
is home to literal hundreds of animals, with the numbers increasing rapidly as they are allowing their animals to breed unsupervised. The sheer quantity of their livestock is far more than the members can handle, and
it certainly exceeds the cramped living conditions they store them in. The tranchers also seem to struggle with managing the chilly climates of Colorado, the state of their residence, as they have admitted to both
alpacas freezing to death and
chicken eggs being ruined from the cold. Their haphazard attempts to warm the animals by covering their sheds with exposed insulation seem to have adverse effects as well, as
the alpacas have visible manure stains caused by poor diet, leading many to speculate the animals have been feeding on the said exposed insulation. And, because it wouldn't be any other way, the tranch is
ready and and willing to deflect any criticism by stating anyone who takes umbrage with how they raise animals is just a troll from Kiwifarms, willfully ignorant of the actual message, all while
thoughtlessly posting images of the alpacas being exposed to the elements until they are covered in snow.
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PENNYWISE AND THE TROON GOONS
To take a step back from the dire topic of animal abuse and into the laughable topic of cartoonish cults, as Kevin Gibes has expressed giving his open and tactless nature, the tranch is keen to isolate its members from their families and make only other tranchers the single social safety net the members have,
which is a standard cult recruitment tactic.
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But a majority of the tranch members aren't particularly interesting in terms of history (although many are due to their behavior), with Phillip Logue (Steampunk Penny or Penellope) and Paul Mendoza (Bonnie) being the exceptions. Starting with the leader, the tranch was first established by Phillip after undergoing his transition. However, leading up to its establishment, Phillip
served in the military and fathered two children. He then abandoned the mother and his child to fulfill his absurd fantasy (starting with promptly
cutting his testicles off) and presumably has not contacted nor supported them since. However, considering
he admits to having tried grooming his four-year-old daughter to become trans, that may be for the best.
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As for the tranch's second-in-command, Paul, he owes a lot to his mother, especially given how
the current tranch is in her name. However, Paul
holds nothing but contempt for his mother and, as with other members of the tranch, has isolated himself from her, opting to discuss her in the most mechanical, disparaging, and emotionless ways possible. The only thing as disgusting as how Paul treats his own parents is his cooking skills and trigger discipline, as the former has anything not already burnt to charcoal made with an ungodly amount of grease and fat, while the latter is, to put it lightly, lacking. Notably, as visible in the video in the header, Paul decided to paint the trans flag onto his pistol's barrel, which will certainly give investigators quite a story to share when it's eventually used for manslaughter on an innocent local. Regardless, the poor storage and handling of his guns is often a reoccurring theme in any image where they are visible.
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There are other tranchers who will certainly come and go and occasionally be worth mentioning in passing when relevant. But in general, a majority of the amusement from tranch drama will often stem from these pair of knuckleheads.
TRANCH WARFARE
Between their clueless nature and brainless members, the most recent ordeal afflicting the tranch is the
Tranch™ Warfare Saga©. Tranch Warfare had begun not too long after a fluff piece was aired on television, where the tranch soon claimed to
have received death threats and the reporter who covered them got letters containing an "acidic powder" of some sort. However, the tranch both refused to publish the death threats nor approach the police with them, and have not confirmed what the "acidic powder" in the letters was. In general, authorities expressly tell receivers of death threats not to publicize them, so the tranch unquestionably either approached the police and became frustrated when they were told to stop sharing the death threats, or had not received death threats to begin with. As for the powder, it has been theorized, assuming if it was real to begin with, to perhaps be some form of powdered fruit due to the ridiculous nature of the scenario.
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Regardless if the threatening letters were fake, the fact the tranch saw fit to capitalize on such a tempting grifting opportunity is very real. Immediately after claiming to have received these threats, the tranch shared a link to a crowdfund for supplies,
which instantly gained tens of thousands of dollars. Tantalized by this considerable haul, the tranch has since doubled, tripled, and quadrupled down on these threats, leading to events which not even the most bold of parodies could fathom penning. The tranch now claims
an "alt-right" militia is currently rallying around their perimeter and are readying for a
literal war. These still-unseen extremists
have been allegedly caught sneaking onto their property (who the tranch did not shoot despite all their posturing with firearms) and, when one of the tranch's alpacas died from
the freezing Colorado temperatures, the tranch claimed
it was a sneak attack performed by a covert alpaca assassin.
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Emboldened by these events which
are very real and actually happened you guys, seriously, stop laughing, the tranch has been stockpiling their defenses. Purchasing
dozens of security cameras and
hording an estimated 40,000 dollars worth of guns and ammo, the tranch seems ready to start a war with the surrounding community; presuming tensions on the tranch don't heat to the point they just wind up shooting each other, of course. The stupidity of this entire saga has escalated to the point where
even overt supporters have started questioning the legitimacy of this farce.
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Between the chaos of the ranch, the neglect towards their animals, the lunacy of the tranchers, and the upcoming and highly-anticipated war, the only individuals set to benefit from it all seem to be the tranch's observers. While the suffering of their animals and neighbors is regretful to watch, at the very least, the self-destructive nature of the tranch and its inhabitants serves as a small positive admist the cacophony of nonsense.
INFORMATION
The Tenacious Unicorn Ranch
Penellope Logue at 2530 County Road 305, Westcliffe CO 81252, phone #: (303)-261-7039
Etsy
. From what little I've read about it, it's weak enough to be used as a cleaning solution for humidifiers when mixed with water.
